Porocrom’s Crappaper

So I’m not nearly as smart as I’ve been telling people, because there are STILL things out there that baffle me beyond all comprehension. So here’s my latest list of imponderables…

1 – The crosswalk button pushers

It rarely fails that I see someone at an intersection beating on the crosswalk button like it’s their wife and it didn’t get dinner on the table. Apparently classical conditioning is wrong, because these lab rats are too stupid to realize that the button doesn’t care how many times it is pushed. No matter how frenetically you mash that thing, it sends the message to the computer that regulates the light on the FIRST push – subsequent pushes only make you look like a hamster beating on the feeder bar, praying for a food pellet.

2 – Homophobia

Those of you who know me well know of the two rules by which I live my life:

Rule #1: No dudes
Rule #2: NO DUDES

That having been said, there is nothing inherently wrong with two dudes who like dudes having naughtybadfun with each other… provided a) I’m not involved in any way, and b) I don’t have to watch. What I don’t get is guys who are HYPER-sensitive to homosexuality. I can understand having an aversion to guys kissing each other (to the gay community: it looks weird. I’m not saying you can’t do it, I’m just saying it looks weird. To lesbians: go for it!). What I CANNOT understand is guys who actively persecute and harass gay guys. Fellas, these guys are doing you an evolutionary favour. As everyone knows, gay guys are better-looking and take better care of themselves than straight guys do. However, they are no threat to your womenfolk… they’re actually a negative threat because they are taking other well-groomed hotties out of commission! Why anyone would look a gift horse in the mouth just because it’s got a cock in it is beyond me…

3 – Men with long hair

Now, when I say long, I don’t mean the Sloan haircut, or the Chad Kreuger mop-top… I mean long. 1980’s-refugee long. Metallica-tribute-band long. Lady Godiva hallowe’en costume long. I don’t know why these men didn’t get the memo, but it stopped being okay to have hair that long when the Bee Gee’s star fell. I don’t even know how anyone could justify having hair that long… it’s like walking around with a family of dead possums nailed to your head. Those girls aren’t staring at you because they think you’re cute, they’re filing away your image as bulimic inspiration.

4 – Guys who go on daytime TV and are surprised by the shit they hear

I could understand if Jerry Springer did a few “World’s Greatest Husband” shows or something, but every single guest they bring on there is a total freak. If you’ve EVER seen or heard of the show, and your wife/girlfriend/transvestite midget lover says that she wants you to appear on the show, it might just be best to move out and save yourself the embarassment of having to look like a jackass as your best friend beats you up with a chair. I seriously can’t understand how you can make the trip out to California, get to the hotel, go to the studio, make it backstage, and NEVER have it occur to you that some bad shit is about to happen to you. Then again, they are American…

Human behaviour continues to befoozle me. Anyone with any insightful reasons behind any of these unexplained phenomena, please feel free to post comments. If you’re a dumbass, don’t be surprised when I mock you openly.

I was reading the dictionary earlier today, as I always do (I’m at the letter “l” now, the plot is really getting interesting past the boring “h” stuff), when I came upon a word that really illustrates the conciseness and terseness of the English language. I was amazed at the simplicity and elegance of the conception of the person or persons who created this word, and this made me think. I will not keep you guessing any more, and I will immediately reveal what that profound word was (I will write this sentence though, to generate more suspense). The word was this:

anon (adverb)
1. At another time; later.
2. In a short time; soon.
3. At once; forthwith.

Wow. Just wow. Look at that. This word means “now”, “soon”, and “later”, all in one! It is like those surprise-people that look like women but when you open their underwear they have manbits! That is a brilliant conception. I cannot extol the virtues of having multiple meanings (and if they’re contradictory, all the better) with one word!

Naturally, we at Porocrom could not stay behind in the race of linguistic innovation. I hereby propose that the following words be made part of the English language, for the betterment of communication globally:

begly (adjective)
1. Having qualities that delight the senses, especially the sense of sight; beautiful.
2. Causing little or no attraction.
3. Unpleasant or offensive to look at; unattractive; a dog.

clumb (adjective)
1. Mentally quick and original; bright.
2. Conspicuously unintelligent; stupid.
3. Causing annoyance, weariness, or vexation; tedious.

whorgin (noun)
1. A person considered sexually promiscuous.
2. A person who has not experienced sexual intercourse.
3. A person who is sexually promiscuous but has not experienced sexual intercourse; fugly.

These are just some of the words I propose. The other three hundred thousand will be published in Porocrom’s Dictoshow of the Freglish Spanguage ($199.95). I am thoroughly convinced that these words will make a huge impact on the language, because it will be possible for people to express multiple meanings in one sentence. For example, is your girlfriend/wife/whatever giving you a hard time? Listen to this:

She: “Baby, do I look fat?”
You: “Nes, you look begly!”

See? You don’t even have to think about it any more, you are answering truthfully and you are both happy. You will be able to memorise these simple words and she will never bug you again! By the way, I finished reading the Da Vinci Code yesterday, it was very gripping, I stayed up until 6 am reading. Then I read the end and I realised I didn’t give a shit whether they SPOILER CENSORED or not. I mean really. This is the end of this post, it was quite clumb.