So I’m not nearly as smart as I’ve been telling people, because there are STILL things out there that baffle me beyond all comprehension. So here’s my latest list of imponderables…

1 – The crosswalk button pushers

It rarely fails that I see someone at an intersection beating on the crosswalk button like it’s their wife and it didn’t get dinner on the table. Apparently classical conditioning is wrong, because these lab rats are too stupid to realize that the button doesn’t care how many times it is pushed. No matter how frenetically you mash that thing, it sends the message to the computer that regulates the light on the FIRST push – subsequent pushes only make you look like a hamster beating on the feeder bar, praying for a food pellet.

2 – Homophobia

Those of you who know me well know of the two rules by which I live my life:

Rule #1: No dudes
Rule #2: NO DUDES

That having been said, there is nothing inherently wrong with two dudes who like dudes having naughtybadfun with each other… provided a) I’m not involved in any way, and b) I don’t have to watch. What I don’t get is guys who are HYPER-sensitive to homosexuality. I can understand having an aversion to guys kissing each other (to the gay community: it looks weird. I’m not saying you can’t do it, I’m just saying it looks weird. To lesbians: go for it!). What I CANNOT understand is guys who actively persecute and harass gay guys. Fellas, these guys are doing you an evolutionary favour. As everyone knows, gay guys are better-looking and take better care of themselves than straight guys do. However, they are no threat to your womenfolk… they’re actually a negative threat because they are taking other well-groomed hotties out of commission! Why anyone would look a gift horse in the mouth just because it’s got a cock in it is beyond me…

3 – Men with long hair

Now, when I say long, I don’t mean the Sloan haircut, or the Chad Kreuger mop-top… I mean long. 1980’s-refugee long. Metallica-tribute-band long. Lady Godiva hallowe’en costume long. I don’t know why these men didn’t get the memo, but it stopped being okay to have hair that long when the Bee Gee’s star fell. I don’t even know how anyone could justify having hair that long… it’s like walking around with a family of dead possums nailed to your head. Those girls aren’t staring at you because they think you’re cute, they’re filing away your image as bulimic inspiration.

4 – Guys who go on daytime TV and are surprised by the shit they hear

I could understand if Jerry Springer did a few “World’s Greatest Husband” shows or something, but every single guest they bring on there is a total freak. If you’ve EVER seen or heard of the show, and your wife/girlfriend/transvestite midget lover says that she wants you to appear on the show, it might just be best to move out and save yourself the embarassment of having to look like a jackass as your best friend beats you up with a chair. I seriously can’t understand how you can make the trip out to California, get to the hotel, go to the studio, make it backstage, and NEVER have it occur to you that some bad shit is about to happen to you. Then again, they are American…

Human behaviour continues to befoozle me. Anyone with any insightful reasons behind any of these unexplained phenomena, please feel free to post comments. If you’re a dumbass, don’t be surprised when I mock you openly.