Things I don’t understand - pt II
So I’m not nearly as smart as I’ve been telling people, because there are STILL things out there that baffle me beyond all comprehension. So here’s my latest list of imponderables…
1 – The crosswalk button pushers
It rarely fails that I see someone at an intersection beating on the crosswalk button like it’s their wife and it didn’t get dinner on the table. Apparently classical conditioning is wrong, because these lab rats are too stupid to realize that the button doesn’t care how many times it is pushed. No matter how frenetically you mash that thing, it sends the message to the computer that regulates the light on the FIRST push – subsequent pushes only make you look like a hamster beating on the feeder bar, praying for a food pellet.
2 – Homophobia
Those of you who know me well know of the two rules by which I live my life:
Rule #1: No dudes
Rule #2: NO DUDES
That having been said, there is nothing inherently wrong with two dudes who like dudes having naughtybadfun with each other… provided a) I’m not involved in any way, and b) I don’t have to watch. What I don’t get is guys who are HYPER-sensitive to homosexuality. I can understand having an aversion to guys kissing each other (to the gay community: it looks weird. I’m not saying you can’t do it, I’m just saying it looks weird. To lesbians: go for it!). What I CANNOT understand is guys who actively persecute and harass gay guys. Fellas, these guys are doing you an evolutionary favour. As everyone knows, gay guys are better-looking and take better care of themselves than straight guys do. However, they are no threat to your womenfolk… they’re actually a negative threat because they are taking other well-groomed hotties out of commission! Why anyone would look a gift horse in the mouth just because it’s got a cock in it is beyond me…
3 – Men with long hair
Now, when I say long, I don’t mean the Sloan haircut, or the Chad Kreuger mop-top… I mean long. 1980’s-refugee long. Metallica-tribute-band long. Lady Godiva hallowe’en costume long. I don’t know why these men didn’t get the memo, but it stopped being okay to have hair that long when the Bee Gee’s star fell. I don’t even know how anyone could justify having hair that long… it’s like walking around with a family of dead possums nailed to your head. Those girls aren’t staring at you because they think you’re cute, they’re filing away your image as bulimic inspiration.
4 – Guys who go on daytime TV and are surprised by the shit they hear
I could understand if Jerry Springer did a few “World’s Greatest Husband” shows or something, but every single guest they bring on there is a total freak. If you’ve EVER seen or heard of the show, and your wife/girlfriend/transvestite midget lover says that she wants you to appear on the show, it might just be best to move out and save yourself the embarassment of having to look like a jackass as your best friend beats you up with a chair. I seriously can’t understand how you can make the trip out to California, get to the hotel, go to the studio, make it backstage, and NEVER have it occur to you that some bad shit is about to happen to you. Then again, they are American…
Human behaviour continues to befoozle me. Anyone with any insightful reasons behind any of these unexplained phenomena, please feel free to post comments. If you’re a dumbass, don’t be surprised when I mock you openly.
Homophobia :: Back in highschool, the numbers of gays were increasing in a very scary way. The first semester you’d have 1, the next there are 6 !! They’re like fungus!
Anyhow, they were beaten up almost daily, in front of everyone including teaching staff (The teaching staff can’t do anything because the kids beating the gays have powerful backgrounds/connections that could sack the principle himself).
What baffels me, is that those gays remained in the school (some even graduated!) regardless of the abuse, and get this, most of those who used to beat them, had had sex with ‘em (guys).
What puzzles me even more is why the guys took all that abuse and had sex with them!!!!
All in all, I wish them hell.
Comment on November 14, 2005 @ 8:04 am
Homophobes are gayer than homosexuals.
Comment on November 14, 2005 @ 8:34 am
Good point about the button-bashers, although I must say I do the same thing, When I’m listening to music on my headphones, I even try to drum a little rhythym on the button, even though our traffic lights even show that you’ve pushed the button.
I, however, do not care what other people think, if I like to expand my listening experience to a switch, I’ll do it :).
Cheers,
B.
Comment on November 14, 2005 @ 5:16 pm
I know what you mean about the hyper-sensitive homophobes – my stepdad is one. Every time he even hears something to do with gay people, he’s like “f*cking queers”. I mean, WHAT the F*CK IS YOUR PROBLEM? So what, they like guys. Does it affect you? No. Would you like if gay people were going around saying “f*cking straight people”? Someone’s sexuality is no reason to feel like being violent towards them. If they try and come onto you, and you say no, and they don’t leave you alone, fair enough. But some pro-active crusade against homosexuals just because they are different to you is NOT NEEDED.
Disclaimer: My stepdad is one of the few people I could say I even come close to hating for his entire attitude towards life and other people. And towards me.
Sorry, just had to get that out of my system. Yet more “Stuff to make you think” from this blog
Comment on November 14, 2005 @ 11:00 pm
Your stepdad is in for a surprise when he realizes he likes men.
Comment on November 15, 2005 @ 4:23 am
Haha! I think I would prove once and for all it is possible to die of laughter, if that happened.
Comment on November 16, 2005 @ 2:35 pm
There’s actually already been a documented case of death by laughter. You should pretend to come out to your stepdad, then beat the fuck out of him with a waffle-iron. At the very least he’ll be surprised… plus waffles!
Comment on November 20, 2005 @ 7:11 pm
“Why anyone would look a gift horse in the mouth just because it’s got a cock in it is beyond me…” is one of the funniest lines I’ve seen in ages. Love it
Comment on November 25, 2005 @ 4:28 pm
Boys, I’ve got a gem for you. Got a gay uncle, love him to death. Only person I know that can actually rock a feather boa, sleeveless levi jacket, hotpants and cowboy boots and look not only like he’s completely at home, but like that is where he was meant to be. So, me, a big guy with a burning hate for nerds, I have my own take on the gay community. I currently reside in northern Idaho, going to the University of Idaho in the U.S.A., hazardous for a Mexican of my stature any way you slice it. I was walking across campus on a recent day, dreaming of going home and bending the wife over for the sweet spot, and I come upon a booth. The booth was set up by the university women’s center for national ‘coming out’ day, a day where the gay community in the U.S. encourages closet cases to announce that they’re queerbags. So I happen by, and this wall of a lesbian jumps out at me, shoves a pink triangle in my hand, and says “Happy coming out day”! I just kind of stared at it, then said “I don’t want this”. She gave me the fisheye, and accused me of not supporting peoples’ right to be gay. I told her that it’s not that, it’s just that I’m not gay. And then I thought about it for a second, and said that on second thought, I don’t support the ‘right’ to be gay. She stared at me like I pissed in her cereal, as did her loyal gaggle of brooding lesbos and cackgobblers. I looked at them all and said, “Do you support my right to be a dirty badass Mexican”? She looked confused, one of the gayboys was now giving me his fisheye, like he suddenly noticed my atrocious outfit. She thought for a second and said, “No, well, you were born Mexican.” I looked back and said “EXACTLY!!!” I then proceeded to crush the pink triangle in my fist, laugh like a maniac, and proceed home where I topped off the wife like I never had before. I guess, in retrospect, I do have to support a part of the gay struggle. In Idaho, as in many states of the union, anal sex is illegal. My wifey will not stop reminding me of that fateful day, when she could not sit for a week after the butt reaming which commenced post confrontationally, a small token for the naqtional coming out day as I buried El Chingon deep. How can a man resist when a sista has an ass that juicy? She got it from her momma. Long in short, I am not a homophobe. Just don’t expect me to get all revved up for the local drag king/queen shows. Check my last post in the “I hate Nerds” string, boys. Much love, NH out.
Comment on December 2, 2005 @ 5:25 am
Showoff
Comment on December 2, 2005 @ 7:04 am
Dude, get your own fucking blog. Stop posting so much shit on ours. We get charged by the letter.
Also, being Mexican isn’t something you’re born into. It’s a lifestyle that one chooses because their mommy used to dress them up as winos for Hallowe’en. The bible is the only way to cure being Mexican.
Comment on December 12, 2005 @ 12:23 am
I used too have long hair and people looked at me from behind and thought i was a fat chick. also my teachers thought i was ugly. wtf am i doing here even god.
Comment on December 28, 2005 @ 11:55 pm
If the button-pushers keep at it long enough, they might just discover the secret codes. http://www.bbspot.com/News/2005/06/crosswalk_button_hacks.html
Comment on January 17, 2006 @ 9:57 pm
Unexplicable behavior? As I always say, never attribute to anything else what can be explained by stupidity.
Comment on February 11, 2006 @ 2:46 pm