In case you haven’t noticed, it’s almost Christmas. Yes, that time of the year, when you change your wallpaper to that one with the tree and the balls and remove the screensaver with the Easter Bunny you forgot to change since, well, Easter. This is what most adults do, but if you’re a child WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THE INTERNET? IT’S WAY PAST YOUR BEDTIME, GO SLEEP OR I’M TELLING YOUR MOTHER. As I was saying, if you’re a kid Christmas is the magical time when they make new toys and show them on TV and you bitch to your parents to get you a POWER RANGER SUPER DUPER TRIPLE COMMUNICATION MASK DOUBLE MEGAZORD until they commit suicide and you are rushed off to the orphanage where some nice gentleman in red and smelling faintly of alcohol comes and brings you $1 toy cars.

Of course, we at Porocrom could not stand idly and watch while the shopping spree passed us by, so, wanting to take advantage of the gullibility of children and the fact that they act towards toys like addicts do towards crack, we have created a new line of toys that are sure to attract kids with their happy colours, fun gameplay and subliminal advertising sex. And really, how can resist buying them what they want when they are shouting IWANTITIWANTITIWANTIT in your ear and when you see the joy on their (and our) faces when you give it to them? Without further ado, I present to you, the new Porocrom toy line!

Michael Jackson Action Figure

Who doesn’t love a pop star action figure? Kids go crazy over them, they prefer them over candy. Who doesn’t love a Michael Jackson action figure? At the peak of his fame, Michael Jackson is the star most deserving an effigy. Complete with a detachable nose1, this Michael Jackson action figure speaks! Pull down his pants to reveal a well-sized penis, which, when pulled, causes him to say things like “I love you. I really love you.”, “Let’s play a game” and “I am innocent, your honour”. Careful though, don’t pull too hard, it might come off1.

1 You need the Dr. Werner Mang action figure to reattach these parts.

George “Dubya” Bush WMD Detector

Are you suspecting that the kid who’s hogging the merry-go-round has WMDs (slingshots, BB guns, nukes)? Do you want to tell your mom but you can’t do anything because you don’t have proof? Do you want to launch a preemptive strike but you don’t have parental sanction? This detector is exactly what you need to depose evil Johnny and restore democracy to your neighbourhood’s playground. Just go to the location where you suspect he hides his WMDs (or any location will work, really) and fire the detector. It will confirm your worst fears with a jolly “Yep! They’re here.” You can also use the remote detection feature. Just press the “Recon” button and a map of the world will flash red, indicating that the weapons are somewhere in that general region, accompanied by a succinct “They’re everywhere!” Little Johnny will get what was coming to him, and you will control all the rides.

The Saddam Hussein WMD Creation Instruction Handbook

We are sure that you have at some point in your life been in a situation where you were so embarrassed you wish everyone else was dead. Well, now they can be! With our handbook you too can create your very own WMDs. Unfortunately, all the pages of the booklet are empty, but together with it you will get the C.I.A. WMD Creation Instruction Handbook absolutely free[2]! Inside this handbook you will find instructions on how to easily create slingshots, BB guns and nukes, complete with how to mine your own uranium, how to make a nuclear warhead from a can of coffee and how to get the rubber for the slingshot from your underpants.

2 Free as in “P.A.T.R.I.O.T. Act”.

The “Paris Hilton” Dog Leash

Is your dog misbehaving? Do you want to teach your old dog new tricks? The “Paris Hilton” leash is for you! Featuring a button in the handle which, when pressed, will immediately tighten its hold (and emit a high-pitched whine yelling “THE DOG OF A HEIRESS MUST BEHAVE”), thus disciplining your poodle. As a special bonus, you will also get the remote controller and a DVD of Paris Hilton refusing to sit on a bottle completely free of charge! This is useful if, for example you want to teach your dog not to pee on the rug. When you see him beginning to do it, just press the button on the remote control and the collar will immediately go to work (optionally delivering 100,000 Volts of electricity to the animal). Your dog will never do it again, guaranteed!

You can buy all these items at the Porocrom Store at a street corner near you! We would like to wish you a merry Christmas (or whatever you celebrate these days). By the way, we have created a new forum for all you people who are having problems with your computers and stuff, so you can go to http://cpforum.poromenos.org and we’ll help you.