30 Dec 2005

Smokers

I hate smokers. They smoke all the time. You go out to the cafeteria, and someone lights a cigarette. What the hell is up with that? Seriously, who was the first person to look at a tobacco plant and say “Oh, what a nice plant! I will pick it, dry it, cut it into little pieces, wrap it in paper, light it on fire and suck on it.” I mean, even the Stadium Pal was created through a logical sequence of steps, some guy had the following requirements: “I want to pee. I do not want to get up.” Voila, Stadium Pal. What were the cigarette guy’s requirements? “I want to stick a flaming plant in my mouth and annoy people around me”? How does that make any sense? The only acceptable social circumstance for smoking is when you’re on fire, and you shouldn’t even do it then for long.

!/images/baby.jpg!
Death at an early age.

Thankfully, smoking in public places is banned everywhere here in Greece. That means that now whenever I go out to a club or a whorehouse or some other public place and tell people to put that cigarette out or I sodomize them, they will now go “bah, shut up” instead of “if you don’t like it, leave”. That is a huge victory for human rights activists everywhere. I especially hate it when women smoke. Not only is it repulsive, but when you try to kiss them you burn your tongue. Nowadays I blow the lighter’s flame out when my friends try to light a cigarette, but they have gotten smarter and bought one of those windproof lighters, so I just spit on them instead.

Smoking in a non-smokers face is very annoying. I started farting in smoker’s faces, but it had a few disadvantages. For one, no one else does it, so it puts me in somewhat of an awkward position, although essentially it is the same as smoking, you are still emitting noxious gases in peoples’ faces. Sadly, for the aforementioned reason, farting is still not as acceptable as smoking, though it can be more pleasurable and less harmful than smoking (it’s only harmful towards passive farters). Secondly, farting can be dangerous since, well, let’s face it, you are farting in a smoker’s face. Fire + methane = explosiriffic. Having your large intestine blown up from the inside is not good, because then you have to spend three fucking days in a hospital with some nurse sticking burn cream up your ass, and woe is you if it’s a male nurse. They gave me a male nurse once, I had to swallow half a tube of cream to avoid him. It worked out in the end, though.

Disgusting.

I also hate smoking after sex. Bitch, if you smoke after sex, I’m going to sleep and there’s nothing you can do about it. What is this fad with smoking after sex? Go take a shower you filthy whore, you have millions of unborn children on your face. Movies endorse this behaviour by showing people smoking after sex all the time. By the way, have you noticed how chicks in movies hide their tits with the sheets afterwards? What the hell, retard, I have had my junk in yours for an hour now, I have seen your tits bounce more times than I care for, why are you hiding them now? Did they grow anything new I shouldn’t know about in the meantime? IF YOU DON’T WANT TO SHOW YOUR ACTRESS’S TITS, DON’T MAKE HER HAVE SEX! If you want to show the conversation afterwards, just skip directly to that and film their heads only, you fools. If we see two sweaty heads panting, it’s somewhat obvious what went on, unless they are wearing jogging outfits. Requiem for a Dream was good in that respect, although those guys smoked pot or some shit like that afterwards, which is unacceptable, pot smells like ass, and they all died in the end, or they should have.

Smoking makes you crazy.

But I digress. I don’t really hate smoking itself, I just hate the smoke. There must be better ways people can smoke without all that damn smoke all around them. Chew tobacco or something (although that leaves those awful stains all over the floor). Heroin addicts have it right, all you need is a rusty spoon, a diseased needle and a lighter and you’re good to go for hours on end. Why can’t people do that? They should legalise heroin and outlaw smoking, at least I wouldn’t have to deal with it all the damn time that way.

By the way, what is up with coffee? It tastes like piss, only worse. How can people drink that, it’s not even thick. I don’t have anything against coffee, I’m just wondering what people find so great about it. I watched this movie, Coffee and Cigarettes, and it sucked extraneous amounts of ass. There were people who were drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes and talking. It was also in black and white. Why was it in black and white? There have been colour cameras out for centuries, couldn’t that guy get one? Hell, I have one he could borrow. Anyway, that movie is no good. Don’t watch it.

This post is getting rather long and I know you people can’t stand reading for long, so I’ll stop here. It’s odd how people will gladly read two normal posts and still want more, but when you write a big one they get tired. Anyway, stop smoking. Well, in my presence, anyway.