Porocrom’s Crappaper

I went to see a movie yesterday to this new multiplex movie theatre thing which boasted a screen the size of the equator, a sound system that plays even sounds you can’t hear and seats that give you orgasms. By the way, if you watch Ong Bak, there’s some chalk writing on a wall somewhere that says “Hi, Speilberg. Let do it together.” I wonder if they are going to “do it together”… But yes, the theatre.

I don’t understand the point of larger and larger screens. They have gotten so large that I always have to turn my head from side to side to catch the entire frame. Whenever conversation scenes come on I get spinal injuries, I have watched tennis games with less pain than that. I can only blame the stupid people that go to whatever theatre has the largest screen. Here’s a tip, Einstein: If you want a big screen, stick your nose up to your TV and watch, it’s much better that way.

Also, what is up with the sound systems? People seem to have mistaken “better quality” for “higher volume”. Hey, owner guy, I would prefer gunshots not to cause my ear drums to bleed. On romantic scenes it feels like I’m in a club and on action scenes it feels like I’m strapped to the bottom of the space shuttle during takeoff. Digital sound is great as long as it doesn’t cause deafness, and soon my insurance company will stop covering cinema-related injuries so a movie will cost about $1300.

Needless to say, the seats didn’t give me an orgasm (or if they did it was when I was unconscious), my pants were clean. Seriously though, how can each row of seats be a foot higher than the next one and I still get some guy’s head right where Kate Beckinsale’s genitalia is supposed to be? Damn you, tall guy. Maybe it would help if they didn’t make the fucking screen larger than a football field and then lower it right in front of the first row.

And don’t get me started about the popcorn and soda. Since when do they cost more than the actual fucking ticket? A bucket of popcorn costs like $6, and last time I checked it took two cobs of corn and some salt to make it. We grow that shit by the ton, what the fuck caused a worldwide shortage of corn these days? And since when did a medium Coke cost $3? Where am I, Africa?

The thing that pisses me off the most is that almost every movie is a piece of shit. I remember watching Ecks vs. Sever a few years ago, it was the most expensive nap I ever took. I slept through 90% of the movie and I still know the plot. It was like “doze off, explosion, wake up, Antonio Banderas. Doze off, explosion, wake up, Antonio Banderas”. What an original concept, and Lucy Liu wasn’t even naked in any scene (or maybe I missed it, but I doubt it, I would have woken up if anyone was moaning). At least there’s not much else to do in the theatre so my ADD isn’t a problem, but it takes me 3 days to watch a DVD when I rent one. Late fees are a bitch.

In summation, they should give you a complimentary blowjob with each movie, and with all the darkness in the cinema I wouldn’t even take that, you never know who’s doing the sucking. Also, I just finished watching Saw II, and it’s not as horrible as the first one, but a bit more stupid. Imagine, you’re in a house full of traps and you just rush to grab everything you see. “Oops, I died.” That’s Saw II.

P.S. Best movie ever: The Shawshank Redemption (Disclaimer: I haven’t watched any one of the Godfathers)

Ladies and gentlemen, it is not often I am able to astound the scientific community and bring never-before-seen material to light, but I have conclusive PROOF that aliens live and work among us… my research design prof.

This specimen, which I have called Biological Replicon KR-Alpha (BRKR) appears at first glance to be a normal human person. Well, maybe ‘normal’ is stretching it a bit. However, upon closer and repeated inspection, it is clear to even the most skeptical of people that this is not a human as we know them.

Physical appearance, while very peculiar, is not the basis of this pronouncement. Despite the bizarre structure of the human costume that BRKR wears, the most damning evidence is in the specimen’s unorthodox behaviour. I make a few observations about its species:

The people of BRKR’s planet seem to communicate through the backs of their heads. This becomes increasingly evident as one compares the amount of time BRKR spends staring at the overhead with its back to the class, while continuing to talk. This is possibly due to the extreme aversion BRKR’s people have to seeing empty chairs. When faced with this situation, BRKR becomes highly agitated and will lose track of its thought patterns.

BRKR’s people display displeasure by moistening their upper lip repeatedly. To the untrained eye, this action would appear much like an eerie attempt at seducing an entire lecture hall. However, being the scientist I am, I conclude that this is a means of expelling waste chemicals. Another waste removal site is what we humans would call the ‘belly button’. As a consequence of this, BRKR is careful never to wear clothes that conceal this aperture, opting instead for belly-toppers without undershirts, or wearing a jacket as a shirt.

We can tell that despite their advanced ways, BRKR’s people are technologically behind, since BRKR’s translation module only works one way. As a consequence, BRKR is able to speak fluent English. However, when confronted with even a simple question, BRKR becomes flummoxed and resorts to staring intently at any nearby bright object (i.e. computer screen, projection screen) as a calming technique as the translators in the mothership work frantically to produce an answer (with varying success).

However, the most compelling evidence I can provide for my theory is the following: the presence of antennae on the head. In an attempt to disguise these telltale appendages, BRKR wears a disheveled hairdo, hoping to prevent detection while simultaneously providing ample space for transmission to continue unimpeded. Upon closer reflection, however, one will remember that NO woman lets her hair go THAT crazy unless she is trying to hide something.

To the untrained eye, all these occurrences may seem to be just the profile of a highly-eccentric person. When we look at the facts all gathered together however, we see a much more startling reality: aliens are attempting to destroy the human population by boring us to death. Beware – no one is safe.

It is time for another life-saving update, dear readers. This time, the dedicated people at Porocrom realized that many people like to travel. It happened in the bathroom, and we also immediately realized that when you travel, there are some phrases you just can’t do without. Much to your satisfaction, we present you a list of the absolute must know of travel phrases. You cannot travel to another country and not know these phrases, period. They are listed in English, German, Mandarin Chinese, Hebrew and Greek (and no, we didn’t use Babelfish). So, here you go (by the way, you’re probably not going to be able to pronounce the Greek phrases, but just remember each letter sounds the way it looks, with a few exceptions. Yes, it’s quite useless):

En: I’m going to be late, but only because a piano fell on me.
Ge: Ich werde ein bisschen spaeter ankommen, aber nur weil ein Klavier an mir gefallen ist.
Ch: Wo hui qi dao, ke si ing way yao ge gong qing diao zai wo sen seng.
He: Ani holech le’acher, aval rak biglal shenafal alay psanter.
Gr: Tha argiso, alla mono epeidi epese pano mou ena piano.

En: Excuse me, could you rub chamomile on my pet bear?
Ge: Entschuldigung, koennen Sie mein Hausbaer mit Kroetertee einrauben?
Ch: Ching wen, ni ke bu ke yi bong wo de shiong muo yao shui?
He: Slach li, tuchal leshafshef kamomil al dov ha’machmad sheli?
Gr: Signomi, mporeite na tripsete xamomili stin arkouda mou?

En: I made a mistake, this train should not have leaves.
Ge: Ich habe ein Fehler gemacht, diese Zug sollte keine Blaetter haben.
Ch: Wo chuo le, ze huo qe bu ing gai yao yie zi.
He: Asiti taut, larakevet hazot lo tzrichim lihiot alim.
Gr: Ekana ena lathos, afto to treno de tha eprepe na exei fila.

En: Look how beautiful the rainbow is! Now I’m hungry.
Ge: Guck mal wie schoen das Regenbogen ist! Jetzt bin ich hungrig.
Ch: Wah! Hong hao piao liang. Wo du e.
He: Tir’e kama yafa ha’keshet be’anan! Achshav ani re’eva.
Gr: Koita poso omorfo einai to ouranio tokso! Tora peinasa.

En: My mother would like me to give you this syphilis.
Ge: Mein mutter moechte, dass ich Sie diese syphillis gebe.
Ch: Wo ma yao wo gei ni ze mei du.
He: Ima sheli rotza she’ani eten lecha et ha agevet hazu.
Gr: I mitera mou tha ithele na sas doso afti ti sifili.

En: Your sister’s odor is most powerful and offensive, please wash her.
Ge: Ihre Schwester’s geruech ist sehr Stark und Beleidingend, bitte waschen sie.
Ch: Ni jie tzo de yao si, ching ni shi ta.
He: Hare’ach shel achotcha chazak me’od, tirchatz ota bevakasha.
Gr: I mirodia tis aderfis sas einai poli dinati kai enoxlitiki. Parakalo plinte tin.

En: Are these your oxen? They have soiled my mittens.
Ge: Sind diese ihre Ochsen? Die haben meine Handschuhen verschmutzt.
Ch: Ze si ni de niao ma? Ta men la tiao shr zai woh so tao seng.
He: Haim ele ha’shvarim shelcha? Hem lichlechu li et hakfafot.
Gr: Einai dika sas afta ta vodia? Lerosan ta gantia mou.

En: I am sorry, I seem to have dropped my catheter in your champagne.
Ge: Entschuldigung, ich denke ich habe aus versehen mein Katheter in ihre Sekt fallen lassen.
Ch: (Left as an exercise for the reader).
He: Ani mitztaer, nir’e she’hepalti et hakateter sheli ba’shampanya shelcha.
Gr: Signomi, nomizo oti eriksa ton kathetira mou sti sampania sas.