Sacrilege Alert
If you aren’t mature enough to realize that all forms of organized religion are inherently hilarious, then you should probably not read this post. I know you’re going to ANYWAY, because fundamentalists are too stupid to read disclaimers… or regulate their bowel movements (yes, I wrote a poo joke).

Despite countless (read: 2) attempts to get Poromenos to pen (read: key) a post about religious/public holidays (read: Mr. Callaghan, I had sex with your daughter and took pictures), he has refused to do so. And so it is upon me once more to bring you Porocrom’s interpretation of…

The Easter Story

From what I could research, while getting really baked and flipping through Easter specials on daytime TV, the Easter celebration is based upon the Pagan festival of Eoster, a fertility and rebirth festival. It is during this time that Christians celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, who in the spirit of killer rock bands everywhere, did a wicked encore by coming back from the dead. To honor this feat, rockers everywhere still bear his trademark hairstyle.

The story goes something like this. Jesus was chillin’ at the crib with his homies (Peter, Paul, Mary, Simon… Judas was there… some short bearded guy named Gimli I think… anyway there were like 13 of them until they convinced Bilbo to be the burglar) when he was like “Hey, it’s passover. Let’s go into town and like, eat some stuff.” Biblical scholars have cleaned up the ancient Aramaic language so now it says “Blessed are the breadmakers, for they are 30% off with in-store coupon.”

And they went to town and ate supper, posed for the now-famous painting, and had a generally wild time. At the end of dinner, Jesus (in a particularly fanciful mood) took some bread and passed it around and said to everyone “This is my body you eat.” I can only assume he said this after they ate the bread because I don’t care when in history it is, that’s pretty gross. Then, as a great followup gag, he pronounced the wine to be his blood, proving once and for all that Jesus is an ancient ancestor of the Kool-Aid man.

They went out to the garden to take a nap, when the cops showed up and busted up the Brokeback Mount of Olives reunion tour. Peter cut off some dude’s ear, proving once and for all that Mike Tyson is a biblical scholar. They took Jesus and interviewed him, but because he was lousy at producing sound-bytes, they decided to kill him in the most humane way possible: nailing him to a big fucking plank of wood.

Luckily for our hero, he was able to get his daddy to pull his ass out of trouble, proving once and for all that George W. Bush is a true Christian (or Satan incarnate, our scientologists are working round the clock…). Everyone was really bummed out, except for Caiaphas the high priest and Annus, his father in law, who are quoted in a recently discovered manuscript (the gospel according to Porocrom) thusly:

Caiaphas: OMG, we r soo kewl
Annus: LOLZ0R _
Caiaphas: ROFL @U
Annus: WTF?
Caiaphas: UR name iz anus, f4gz0r
Annus: STFU :(

But as we all know, Jesus, like disco, refused to stay dead. He rose from the grave, which was considered to be a good move by everyone except the funeral home who had to refund the disciples’ money. He then made a covenant with all mankind in perpetuity: he swore to come down the chimney every Easter and bring chocolate eggs to all the good boys and girls of the world. And to the bad boys and girls, eternal damnation.

So if you have been good this year, expect a big chocolate surprise underneath the Easter tree (if you are a dog owner, make sure it is not steaming before you eat it) (yes, two poo jokes in one post). If you have been a bad boy, go to church and confess your sins to a guy in a big dress. If you’ve been a bad girl, go to my room and await a spunking… I mean spanking… no I don’t.

Joyeux paque, tout le monde.