A famous poet once said “How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man?”. Or was it Bob Dylan? Whoever it was, that is fucking stupid, because you already called him a man, retard. The truth is, that before someone can be called a man, he must do these things (women are excluded, they can do whatever they want, or not):

  1. Eat chocolate.
  2. Have sex.
  3. Say nothing while someone verbally abuses them for two months and then beat him into submission without sustaining a single scratch.
  4. Watch Family Guy, even reruns.
  5. Play Giants: Citizen Kabuto.

I have done all those things, and let me tell you, they are immensely enjoyable. The enjoyment grows the further you go down the list, but I probably find Family Guy better than sex because the sex was really bad. I was actually thinking of watching Family Guy during sex. Oh well, at least I got paid.

Best. Bluescreen. Ever.

This brings me to my main point: Playing Giants: Citizen Kabuto is the greatest thing anyone can hope to do in their entire lives. This game kicks ass. If there was a contest between pirates, ninjas, robots and Giants: Citizen Kabuto, plenty of people would watch it, because they are all immature morons. Ninjas don’t exist, you fucking retards, and pirates are just Somalis trying to feed their families, they are not awesome. Also, robots. Have you seen a Roomba? That’s as advanced robots get. What the fuck can a mechanical cockroach do? Giants: Citizen Kabuto, though, kicks ass. It would win hands down.

A bit about the game: You start off as an alien australian astronaut (say that ten times fast) or three and you get weapons and shit and try to destroy stuff while running around destroying stuff, building bases and generally being amazing. Then you become a woman who has no guns (except a sword) but many spells, and then you become the most amazing thing ever conceived by human imagination: Kabuto.

Awe. And shock.

Kabuto is awesome (I will buy a thesaurus later). He fulfills the three requirements for awesomeness:

  • He is taller than a tall building.
  • He can roar.
  • He can smash shit and eat people in cold blood.

That, together with his offspring, that look like lizards, makes him the best thing ever. If Kabuto and King Kong fought, Kabuto would have anal sex with King Kong while watching Family Guy. That’s how awesome Kabuto is. When he eats enough sheep (or are they cows? something like that), Kabuto gets mad and shits an egg, which then produces an offspring which does Kabuto’s evil bidding.

That is one doable sun.

Overall, the game is beautifully designed and has great style. The writing is hilarious, almost as funny as Porocrom, but without all the repetitive crap. It cannot be classified in a single genre because it ranges from an FPS to an RTS to an STD. The stunning visuals, coupled with the witty script and imaginative quests are guaranteed to fuck your shit up with their awesomeness. Seriously, just look at this picture. Wouldn’t you do that sun? If I was a planet, I’d do that sun. The only downside is that the game was made in like, 1990 or something gay like that, when there weren’t even computers and the only way to play a game was to have Mexican immigrants do the math by hand and then draw the picture on the wall. The framerate suffered as a result, but it was mostly playable. The colours and all are quite great, but the lack of antialiasing might put you off a bit, but then you’re just a stupid fanboy who only cares about graphics and not about gameplay, in which case you should just go masturbate to your Lara Croft poster and leave me alone.

Hawt.

In detailing the awesomeness of the game, I have purposefully left out its best characteristic. The Reapers. You only actually play as one reaper, Delphi. Now, she is hot. P-H-A-T, hot. Well, in reality she looks kind of a dog to me, but she’s supposed to be really hot in-game since everyone falls in love with her and she is a princess and shit, plus you can like delete a file and have her play topless, and she has nice boobs, so who cares, I say she’s hot. She’s different from Kabuto and the Meccs in that she has spells and some sort of warp speed and a jet ski. That jet ski rocks, you can go anywhere with it, but the Meccs have a helicopter which is even more awesome and can drop bombs and shit and kick the shit out of other players. You can also jump out of the helicopter while it is really high and land safely by using your jetpack as a lander.

This game is amazing. Sadly, it was a rather huge commercial failure due to its numerous bugs (although there are patches to fix those nowadays) and if you want it you can get it for like $2 at bargain bins. Seriously, if you find it at one buy it, what’s $2 anyway, you can’t even get a decent blowjob for that.