Last Saturday, I went to a club. When I say “a club” I mean “the club”, and when I say “club” I mean “a pigsty where all men between the ages of 15 and 80 and some women between the ages of 16-17 congregate”. I live in a village of 3,000 people (when we’re being invaded) and this particular club services an area of about 5,000 people (if you count sheep to be human). Therefore, you can understand the dismal situation in which I was in. The general quality of the male population ranges between “sheepfucker” and “homeless person”. The quality of the women is somewhat good, with some glaringly magnificent exceptions. Most women shower, too.

So, I went to the club with a few friends and we walked up to the entrance. Standing there was a fat whore who could obviously not get any tricks so she decided to make a career change. She asked me for four euros, to which I promptly replied “What the fuck? Are you out of your fucking mind? Look where you are, you skanky ho”. She did not relent and threatened to call security, but then she remembered there was no security because the place was a fucking hole. I felt extra generous that night so I gave her the money so she could get something to eat for the next month (never mind that she could very well live merely on her extraneous fat) and proceeded to not bite her. So generally I was very very nice.

We walked inside and sat at a table. The DJ was awful, the songs he played were irrelevant to one another and he synched them with all the grace of someone with Parkinson’s. If he could at least get the beat right, I think he could have been really good at scratching. The dude who handled lighting also sucked, but what do you expect, he’s probably Albanian (Albanians are to Greece what Mexicans are to the US). The people were invariably of the general variety I described above.

Being so fascinated with the general atmosphere in this magnificent nightclub, I turned my gaze to the air conditioning, which appeared not to be connected to an external unit. Then I proceeded to read about thermodynamics and entropy on my cell phone (I love Wikipedia) in hope that I would discover an air conditioning system without external units so I could put a bomb in it and wipe all these people out (no dice, btw, the second law of thermodynamics doesn’t allow it).

Disheartened, I raised my eyes and beheld a stunningly beautiful woman on the table across mine. She was tall, with blond hair and hazel eyes, and her body was shapely and with huge boobs. I stared at her for a while, and she, becoming aware of my gaze on her, retaliated with unrelenting staringness. I decided that time was of the essence, and that there was nary a moment to waste. Immediately, I stood up and walked towards her. Approaching her, I said:

I: Hi, don’t I know you from somewhere?
She: (Coldly) No, you don’t.
I: Are you sure? You look really familiar.
She: (Frowning) That trick is old, no, we don’t know each other.
I: Wtf bitch, stfu. Being a whore doesn’t make you an expert on tricks. Oh wait, it does.

I didn’t really say that last line, but at that point I was very pissed off. Her “did you think of that line or did you read it on a cave wall?” attitude was fucking annoying, and if a woman talked to me like that I’d beat her into submission. As you can see, it had never happened before, so I was baffled. If nothing else, I hadn’t been rude or anything, and she had. I decided to show nothing of what I thought, and exact my terrible revenge upon her.

I: Isn’t your friend’s name Joanne (actual name changed to protect the other hot chick)?
She: (Surprised) Yes, how did you know?
I: Weren’t you in the same class as her?
She: Yes, I was.
I: Oh, we went on the class trip together. (These trips are customary on the last year of highschool in Greece and typically last seven days)
She: Oh, you’re from [my village]?
I: Yep, that’s right.
She: (Smiling) I don’t remember you, but we didn’t hang out that much, we had kind of a feud with you guys (laughs).
I: (Smiling) Yeah, I remember.

I am guessing she felt like a total bitch at that point, because she realised I actually did know her (obviously) and she was quite into me, since she had been staring at me before I went over. I was quite pleased with this turn of events, and a “HAHA, PWNT, BITCH” almost escaped my lips, but I managed to retain my courteous and friendly disposition.

I: (Half-jokingly) Well, your teacher always blamed us for anything that happened, and you girls were always late in the morning.
She: (Laughing) Yeah, we always got up half an hour past when we were supposed to.
(I say nothing, silence ensues and becomes awkward, and she is clearly expecting me to ask her out)
I: (Smiling) Well, that’s what I wanted to ask you. Nice to have met you, bye.
(I walk away, not waiting for her reply and bask in my pwnsive victory)

I am assuming she regretted being such a bitch, because there were 2 men and 3 other women in their group, and the men looked like they had been hit by a train carrying ugly. In the wake of this devastating victory, I decided to hit on a friend of mine, but she was very receptive and not at all a bitch, so there’s nothing to write about that. he rest of the night went pretty uneventfully (if you exclude the fact that I had sex with the village twins, they’re not very bright but there’s two of them) so there’s not much else to say, except that concurrence in sex = nice.