I realize this isn’t a very Christmasy sentiment, but seriously, women, WTF!
I read this comic in the morning paper advertising “A world without men”. Three women were sitting around a TV and it said “Today, no crimes were committed and no puppies were put down in shelters” and the women are having a conversation:
Woman 1: More pie?
Woman 2: No thanks, 4 pieces is my limit. But I will go for more shoes, who wants to go shopping?
Woman 3: No thanks, 317 pairs of shoes is MY limit. But I will go for that 5th slice…
Apparently the artist’s view of paradise is one in which a bunch of fat women with too many shoes can gorge themselves without fear of censure. Now I will allow that it is supposed to be humorous, exaggerated, and a reaction against years of female oppression, but it is still downright offensive. Now maybe if I had my logic circuits rewired to a pair of ovaries the panel would be funnier, but there is a problem here.
I am often shocked and chagrined by the amount of male-bashing prevalent in the media. Apparently it has become okay to treat men as stupid, childish, brutish and unnecessary. “But Ian, they are!” will quip some dumb broad with an IQ I can count on my fingers and toes. Shut up bitch, men are talking.
See? Now THAT is offensive. Why? Because it is classifying an entire group of people in a certain way to get a laugh. Are the women laughing along? Only the ones with senses of humour, I suppose. I’ve said it before, and I will keep saying it until people start listening. EQUALITY DOESN’T MEAN YOU ARE BETTER! Equality, as the word would suggest, means that you are EQUAL! If a cartoonist submitted a strip in which female stereotypes were perpetuated to such an extent, he would be strung up by his… err… thumbs. This is because we are sensitive to the unequal status of women in our society, as well we should be. But ladies, don’t bite the hand that wears the other ring. Men have their deficiencies, and BY GOD so do women. You’re not perfect, you’re not closer to perfect than men, you’re not smarter (and yes, science has “proven” this, Gill), and you’re sure as hell not better.
I could go on at length, but I will spare you a further tirade. In conclusion, please read Poro’s posts because he is a funny guy (even though he can be a dink) and remember Peace on Earth and Goodwill to all Men. Now get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Riddle me this: Why do women have to make it utterly and painfully clear that they absolutely will not, never-ever, not-if-every-man-on-earth-dies-except-you, have sex with you? You’re hanging out with your friends (women included), and you (or someone, anyway) makes a completely harmless joke about you and the woman having sex. The woman always says something like “not in your lifetime”. Why do they say that? Do they think that responding to the joke equals having slept with the person, and that will label them as easy?
It is very, VERY annoying when they do that, since the entire fun of hanging out with girls is the innuendoes (and sometimes the sex), and it’s good fun anyway. What is it, girls, do you feel superior by doing that to someone? Does it make you feel powerful that someone made a joke about you? Well, it’s mean, and I couldn’t bring myself to do that to a woman. By the way, it’s not about actually having sex. 99% of the time, I’m not even attracted to the girl I joke with. It’s also not about actually not wanting to have sex, I have had it from women that were much less attractive than me (yes, they were THAT ugly). Also, most of the time it’s not a subtle dismissal. It is an EARTH-SHAKING ROAR that shouts “YOU ARE DISGUSTING AND I AM NOT BLIND, I AM JUST WEARING THESE EYEPATCHES TO AVOID LOOKING AT YOU” right in your ear.
This entry is deliberately short (well, not deliberately, I ran all out of anger). Expect better posts later.
And, by the way, ladies, a hint: When guys joke about sex, they’re only half-kidding, so if you want all the copulation, take it half-seriously.
I was out in the proverbial “park” the other day, and as I was walking my pet elephant (his name is Judith and he’s 2 years old), I saw these two dudes, who were obviously pretty gay, kissing. I thought, flabbergasted, “omg wtf r these dudes doing, this sux”, and I was appalled and shocked. I continued my walk, obviously disturbed, when I saw these two other chicks, who were also obviously pretty gay, kissing. Then I was like “wow, this rox, we should get more of that”. I stood to watch them for a bit, but they must have noticed Judith after 10 minutes so I had to leave, making a mental note never to take him for a walk again, he’s too conspicuous.
This prologue serves as an introduction to the following question, that torments me ever since: Should I support gays, lesbians, or neither/both? All of these choices have their advantages/disadvantages, on which I will promptly elaborate.
Supporting neither.
By supporting neither, you will most often be flagged as a damn bigot, and some people might figure out that your strong disapproval is a reaction to your oppressed homosexuality, or in other words that you’re gay. BAD. I don’t think there are any advantages to this opinion, so it’s rejected.
Supporting lesbians.
This is a real quandary. As you surely know (or as any man will tell you, if you’re a woman), The order of enjoyment in sex is, rated:
Two women and you (10/10)
Two women (9/10)
A woman (8/10)
A woman and you (7/10)
You (2/10)
A man and you (-124/10)
This argument seems to be clearly in favor of supporting lesbians, but the very very clear disadvantage is that for every lesbian couple, there are two less women that would sleep with me. That is very very disturbing and clearly a point to consider before reaching a verdict.
Supporting gays.
The disadvantage here is that two men having sex is disgusting, unless you’re homosexual. Should one condone this behaviour in favor of its advantages? Considering that most homosexual people do not like to provoke and do not have sex in public or in your house, I would say that it doesn’t bother me much. Although the same could be said about lesbians, but I hope lesbians will change their minds and have a lot of sex in public, or even better, in my house (LesbianOrgiesInMyHouse@poromenos.org, email me if you are a woman and willing to try). But, back to the subject in hand, the very very appealing advantage is that for every gay couple, there are two less men that compete with you, so your chances with the opposite sex are much higher. If we believe the various jokes, gay people are handsome, kind, caring, and rich, which is kinda like a lottery winner deciding to become a monk and giving you all the winnings.
Supporting both.
The advantage here is that everyone will think you are very open-minded and generally rock. The disadvantage is that category 1 will not like you very much and will probably think you are the spawn of satan, and will curse you in church on Sundays, so make sure your Save vs Spell is very high.
By the way, bisexual women do not belong in any of these categories. I am always in favor of bisexual women, there is no doubt about that (BisexualWomenHere@poromenos.org, email me, we’ll get a ThreeOrMoresome going).
After a lot of thinking, I have decided that I will support both. I have reached this decision because I feel that lesbians are a great great source of enjoyment (just look at all the woman to woman porn), and I also feel that gay men will help offset the loss of two women and actually help in raising my odds. Finally, as long as gay men don’t hit on me (OR SHOW ME PICTURES OF THEIR NAKED BOYFRIEND IN THE SHOWER, FUCK YOU, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE), they are welcome to be as gay as they want, I support that.
Finally, I would like to stress that BISEXUAL WOMEN SHOULD CONTACT ME ASAP. No dogs please.
I recently came upon an email entitled “the Being A Real Guy degree” or some crap like that. It was about an imaginary school where such classes as “Learn to work the toilet seat” and “Learn to share the remote” and shit like that existed. Sounds to me like “the Manwhore degree”, so I am hereupon starting to teach the Quit Being A Bitch degree. Don’t get me wrong, I love women as much as the next pervert (in fact my very mother is a woman herself), but fuck you, ladies. See where the female emancipation led us, now they have time to write crap like this between doing the dishes and the laundry.
I hate this unprovoked “Ooo, look at us, we are flowery-smelling goddesses of wisdom that have finally found their strength and we hate you, you belching, sports-watching, hairy unable-to-work-the-toilet-seat monsters. Vaginas rock”. I never said anything bad about women (not until now, anyway), and I always recognised that the sexes are different but equal (women, stop reading, men, this is just crap I tell women so they won’t hate me too much. HEY BITCH, WHY DID YOU READ THIS?).
While we’re on the subject, what is this crap about the toilet seat? Why should we put it up, do our thing and put it down again while you just sit your royal ass down and go at it? If I hear another woman telling me to put the toilet seat down after I’m finished, I’ll piss with it down and then put it up. Besides, I don’t have a problem with pissing with the seat down, you do.
While I’m typing, I might as well hit this too. I always hear women complaining how there aren’t any nice guys any more, yet they hook up with men that ignore them, abuse them, whatever. I believe, and that email only serves to reinforce that belief, that “nice guys” means “someone who has a lot of money and will do whatever I want”. Even if such men EXISTED, I doubt that you’d find them by hanging out in clubs (not to mention that you blow off almost every guy that hits on you there). That’s like me complaining about how hot models never come to my house to give me blowjobs.
The remote control. What the hell is with this shit? I never watch TV anyway, and I’d rather be dead than caught watching the crap you watch. I think you’re doing this just to bust our balls the ONE time we decide to watch something (not THE GAME, I fucking hate THE GAME, I never watch sports, unless we are EUROPEAN CHAMPIONS 2004! But I digress).
I also hate how you act like sex is a horrible chore we put you through. “Oh, not again, not sex!”. Why do you do this? Do you want people to see that you are an innocent little virgin dressed in white in a world where crazed sex-lusting beasts are out to devour you? Quit it, we know you want sex as much as we do, if not more. Why is it that it’s OK for a woman to not want to have sex, but for a man it’s “neglecting his duties”? Since when is it a duty, if women say they don’t even want it? And besides, on the “headache” issue, is it really THAT hard for you to lie there until we’re done?
Searching a bit, I have found the actual text of the email, so I am going to address a few issues. Bask in the wonderfulness that is it.
“MEN 103…PMS – Learn when to keep your mouth shut”
What the hell, sounds to me that this is advice for you. If you can’t help sounding like a cranky bitch, STOP TALKING. I don’t have to put up with you and nod patiently if you can’t control what you’re saying. I understand that it might feel bad (or maybe it’s just an excuse you make for being cranky all month long, since no man ever knows when women are PMSing), but if every word you say is the beginning of a fight, the sensible thing to do would be to not talk.
“MEN 104…We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas”
We do not want to give things that cost more than the deficit of a small country for Christmas. It was either this or a pair of slippers.
“MEN 120…How NOT to act like an asshole when you’re wrong”
I don’t know about other men, but I’m never wrong. Not applicable.
“MEN 213…Honest – You don’t look like Russel Wong”
Who the fuck is Russel Wong? He sounds Chinese, so yeah, I don’t look like him. I look Greek.
The downside of feminism is that women not only believe they’re equal, they believe they’re better. Cut that crap. You’re going to burn the dinner.
A message to you-know-who-you-are:
I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING MORE ON THE MATTER. KATE BECKINSALE IS ONE OF THE 5 HOTTEST WOMEN ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH, AND THAT’S THAT. PERIOD.
This is not a real post. Don’t look at it.
P.S. For the other 4, look at the “In love (again)” post. The list is subject to change without previous notice.
