Ladies and gentlemen (but mostly ladies. Actually only ladies, gentlemen go away), I’m sorry, but I have just become unavailable. It’s not because I have found a new girlfriend (sadly), but because of my new infatuation. After
Kate Beckinsale,
Kathleen Robertson,
Kathy Evison and
Jennifer Love Hewitt, here comes
Elisha Cuthbert (honorable mention to
Elizabeth Berkley who never made it to the top) to steal my heart. Starring in movies such as
24 (which is essentially a 18-hour movie),
Love Actually and
The Girl Next Door (a movie I am going to watch as soon as I finish writing this piece of crap), she has won my heart with her acting, wit and the fact that she is
FUCKING HOT!
As you may or may not know or may have known and have forgotten (I think this sentence covers all the possibilities), from time to time I am prone to becoming infatuated with various women. The symptomatology of this infatuation includes but is not limited to daydreaming, dizziness, butterflies in the tummy, inability to think coherently, drowsiness and, more rarely, schizophrenia. It usually lasts 2-7 days and the patient has a high probability of regression upon sight of the aetiology.
After describing the epidemiology and symptoms of the disease, I would like to move on to the actual subject. For those of you who don’t know Elisha, she is Jack’s daughter in 24, Carol-Anne in Love Actually and the girl next door in “The Girl Next Door”. She is blonde, has the cutest face I’ve ever seen, and her boobs are also great.
The only imperfection she has is that her facial features resemble those of my sister’s rather strikingly, which immediately removes almost all sexual desire. Below is a comparison of my sister and Elisha:
As you can see, the two are virtually identical. Luckily my sister is a brunette and Elisha is blonde (you cannot distinguish Elisha’s hair on the above image due to the monochromatism of the picture), so they don’t look too much alike. (NO,
YOU CANNOT MEET MY
SISTER YOU FILTHY LOSER.)
Having stated the above, I am now free to go watch the movie which I hear is R rated due to pornographic content (or pr0n to you losers) which I hope Elisha is a big part of (she is
SOOOOOOOOO DREAMY!
_). I will maybe let you know of my impressions later. If you are Elisha Cuthbert, email me at
ILoveElisha@poromenos.org
So yes, it is time for yet ANOTHER Crommunist rant.
There are two types of females in the world. Girls, and women. Girls (ideally) grow to become women, and men everywhere rejoice. This is because women are friends to all mankind. Women are a marvellous balance to masculinity, and when men and women get together, it is a good thing for all parties concerned.
Girls however, are the scum of the universe. Girls are self-absorbed immature brattish hellions bent on the control and domination of the male species. (Now I must put as way of a disclaimer that I am not referring to little girls who are still growing up. If you are below, let’s say, 17, then you are allowed to be a girl.)
It’s difficult to really typify the differences, as they are multitude. Women are mature, self-confident, assertive (without being overly aggressive) people who are still in touch with their femininity. They take pride in their personal appearance without trying to appear overly sluttish. They apply themselves to what they do and are capable of judging a person based on their actions above their possessions.
GIRLS, on the other hand, take particular pleasure in their immaturity. They squeal with delight when they can exploit another human being, or cut them down with scorn. They obsess over personal possessions, self-obsess and have little-to-no ability to share or be any less than the CENTER of attention at all times.
While I can describe the differences quite eloquently, since I am the master of metaphor, the archduke of analogy, the sultan of simile, I will give some examples.
Dude: So, what would you like to do tonight?
Woman: I dunno, whatever
Dude: Well, some of my friends are having a party, we could go there.
Woman: Well I’m not really in a partying mood. Perhaps we could go see a movie? There is a new one out that looks really good.
Dude: Is it a chick flick?
Woman: Kind of. Maybe we can find something we’d both enjoy at the video store and I can take one of my girlfriends to see that other movie another night.
Dude: Okay, I’ll get my keys.
See how easy that was? Now let’s look at GIRLS
Dude: So, what would you like to do tonight?
Girl: I dunno, whatever
Dude: Well, some of my friends are having a party, we could go there.
Girl: No, I don’t really feel like a party
Dude: Well then what do you feel like doing?
Girl: Oh, whatever you want to do…
Dude: How about we rent a movie?
Girl: There’s nothing out that I like.
Dude: Well then suggest something!
Girl: I don’t really care what we do. You pick something…
(Then dude suggests things for half an hour and girl shoots them all down)
Dude: FINE! Why don’t we just go to the mall and you can buy 12 identical pairs of shoes on my credit card!
Girl: Sure, if that’s what you want to do…
- NOTE: I have been in this position. OMFG it sucks –
Situation #2
Woman: Hey, some chick named Julie called while you were out.
Dude: Oh, sorry I forgot to mention this. I am going out to coffee with my friend Julie from work. I think you met her at Jason’s party. She was the supermodel dance instructor with no gag reflex.
Woman: Hmm, when are you two going out?
Dude: That night when you said you were going to be at your mom’s place for dinner. I didn’t want it to conflict with your plans.
Woman: Well that is thoughtful. While I can’t say I am completely comfortable with you and this babe, I know that you have been faithful to me and that you have a right to your own friends. Please be extra-careful not to give this girl any wrong ideas.
Dude: I appreciate your trust and will not to anything to betray it.
Now let’s see what happens when you have a girl as a girlfriend…
Girl: Who is this Chelsea WHORE?
Dude: Pardon me?
Girl: Some chick named Chelsea called while you were on the john.
Dude: Oh, CHELSEA! You met her, remember? She is my hunchback one-legged nun friend with all the warts all over her face? I’m suprised you don’t remember the incredible stench and the stain she left on the carpet.
Girl: YOU’RE CHEATING ON ME!
Dude: How could I? You keep me on this 10’ leash all the time!
Girl: Then why are all these women calling you?
Dude: All these women? Just Chelsea!
Girl: What about that chick Harriet who keeps calling and leaving messages and saying she loves you?
Dude: That’s my MOM!
Girl: Whatever…
Now you see the difference? Of course you don’t. Here is one more.
Woman: Does this dress make me look fat?
(Women, as an aside, this question is NOT fair. There is no right answer to this question, or “do you think that girl is prettier than me?” Just don’t ask, please. On behalf of men everywhere, I’m begging you.)
Dude: No, I like that dress. Besides, you’re beautiful, what could possibly make you look anything less than stunning?
Woman: That is SO sweet. You always know the right thing to say. Tonight we’ll have EXTRA sex.
Dude: Well that suits me just fine.
Wow, what a great gal! But uh-oh, what do girls do?
Girl: Does this dress make me look fat?
Dude: No, I like that dress. Besides, you’re beautiful, what could possible make you look anything less than stunning?
Girl: So then looks are all that matter to you? What about my MIND?
Dude: I love your mind too!
Girl: So you’re saying I’m fat then! I HATE YOU!
There is no way of escaping the circle of girl-logic. You’re wrong no matter what you say. Just throw some money on the dresser and get out of the house.
So now you see the problems. Women, I applaud you. You are genuinely lovely people and a pleasure to have around. Guys everywhere will agree that a woman is a wonderful asset to any relationship. A GIRL however, is good for only one thing… making your life more complicated.
To girls, if you are hot, give me a call.
Wow, I haven’t posted in a while.
Let’s talk about something that happened to me last week. I went out to celebrate the birthdays of two friends of mine. We started off at a bar called McMullan’s, drank quite the number of beers (even though everyone thought my red beer was gross I liked it). After a few hours we decided to finish up the night at a karaoke bar called The Silver Spur. I sang like a meadowlark that had been shot in the throat.
Anyways, my singing is not the subject of this post. What happened was a friend of mine… let’s call her “Teth” was acting pretty drunk (although she assures me that she wasn’t) and flirting HEAVILY with this guy… let’s call him “Bandy Roudreau”. Now this would be fine if “Bandy” knew the rules, but I don’t think he did. BTW, here are the rules.
THA RULEZ
1) Don’t ever do anything with a girl when she’s drunk that you wouldn’t do if she was sober. Basically, if she wasn’t interested in you before you bought her all those shots, then it’s date-rape.
2) Drunk girls will flirt with, grind up on, or generally behave hornily towards ANYONE. This is not to say you are unattractive, but keep your head on straight or else you are setting yourself up for disappointment later.
3) OBSERVE THE COCK-BLOCK. OMFG this is the most important one. When a friend of a drunk girl, of either gender, initiates a cock-block, back off and try again another day. You have the right to be irritated as fuck about it, but they’re being a good friend; don’t make their life any harder.
So anyways, “Bandy” didn’t know the rules. “Teth”‘s friends (of whom I am one) noticed her highly unusual behaviour. “Sandi” initiated a classic chick cock-block by dancing with “Teth”, attempting to pull her away. However, she was counter-cock-blocked by “Chris”. As we were preparing to leave, yours truly decided to step things up a bit. Since “Teth” and I live fairly close together, I volunteered to walk her home. By this time she was cognizant enough to realize what she was doing, and tried to extricate herself from the friendly-yet-a-little-too-friendly situation. This is when “Bandy” showed his disregard for all three rules.
Now, far be it from me to underestimate the effects that alcohol has on the human brain (please see my last post) but when someone comes out and says “Okay, for the purposes of tonight, I am being a grade-A cock-block. Tomorrow you can do whatever you like, but tonight she’s getting into bed ALONE and that’s the end of it”, would you not see that as the time to tactfully withdraw? Apparently not.
Gentlemen, I have advice, but first I need you to drink a 26er of rye, so I can talk to the drunk you. I can wait…
…
…
Okay ready?
It has been my own experience and the experience of others (as related to me) that women respect tact and perceptiveness much more than they respect drunken back-rubs while you’re trying to walk home. Not to diminish the greatness if a back-rub, but if it has been clearly articulated to you that you’re not getting anywhere, then the smart thing to do is behave politely and try to salvage any left-over guilt that she might have. The cock-blocker (unless they are an ass) KNOWS that they are violating the rules, but for a noble cause. If you act the fool, they lose any remorse. If you behave well, you’re looking at a recommendation from at LEAST the cock-blocker himself, if not the drunk girl.
Teth, no more for you. Bandy, ‘tis a shame my friend, better luck next time.
To all of you, beware the dangers of loose women.
I am sure everyone has had a moment in our lives where we thought, “Damn! I really should have said that!”. Like when you realize that the cute woman sitting next to you in the bus was staring at you while you were getting off, you think “I really should have talked to her.” or when you watch your wife drive off the edge of a cliff you think “I really should have told her that I removed the brake fluid for repairs today”. It’s these small moments that you will end up regretting for a long time.
But, fear not. I am here to save the day. There are a few simple steps you can follow to cut down on the amount of regretting you do. First and foremost, of course, is to not do something you might regret. So, the next time you see a cute girl, talk to her. It is better to get shot down every time than to think that there was a one in a million chance that she might not have spit on you. Of course, we both know you are too chickenshit to talk to a woman, so here is the next piece of advice:
Try your best to recreate the circumstances which you regret. If you missed the woman on the bus, get on the bus again (don’t be afraid of looking stupid, you do anyway) and talk to her. If you killed your wife, serve your time, get married again, remove the brake fluid again and this time, tell her about it. This is a surefire way to relieve your conscience and help you sleep better at night.
I hope this short guide has helped you to improve your quality of life significantly. As always, cute women email me at idontgivemyemailtoanyone@domain.com.
I have a friend… let’s call him Peter.
Peter is 21, tall, fit, funny, interesting, etc etc. His job pays well, he gets a lot of hours, and on the side, when he’s not teaching hip-hop or cheerleading for York University, he’s a DJ at a local club. In short, Peter is a fuckin’ CATCH AND A HALF.
Peter is recently single.
Now I know what you’re thinking. “Holy shit, this guy must be STOKED! He’s smart, rich, and free of girlfriendly attachments!” Peter is anything but stoked. Since the breakup, he has pined and bitched and generally NOT been cool about the whole thing. Peter has thunderclouds in his MSN handle and says things like “I would do anything to make it better” and “My fate has decided my life” and Dashboard Confessional-type bullshit like that.
Gentlemen: If (God forbid) your possessive, controlling, possibly philandering girlfriend cuts you loose, you are better off. When you’re in a relationship where you put your heart, time and cash into making things work, and the other person just sits there and receives it all, and all you get is passable sex, you can probably do better… unless you are really hairy… or completely hairless.
If you (for some bizzarre reason) want her back, here are a few strategies GUARANTEED to make you miserable even if you get your wish. 1) Pine for her, arrest the rest of your life 2) call incessantly 3) Tell her “I’ll do anything” 4) Write poetry and send it to her 5) Talk to all her friends to find out what went wrong 6) Blame yourself for EVERYTHING (unless you cheated, then it is your own fault you bastard).
The best advice I ever got from a girl was “women like MEN”. If you want to impress this bitch, then be a man! Tell her “I don’t know why you’d give up the good thing you’ve got, but if you want to talk to me about it, you have my number”. Then, SEE OTHER PEOPLE! Jealousy is an aphrodisiac. If you let her think that she can control you, then she WILL. If you say you’ll wait for her, she’ll make you wait. If you say you’ll make it work, she’ll make you work. If you say that you can do better, she just might believe you.
But seriously don’t get back together with her unless she has a big booty and a nice rack… or a best friend/sister/mom with same and you have a reasonable chance of a threesome.
