A scientific revolution
Ladies and gentlemen, it is not often I am able to astound the scientific community and bring never-before-seen material to light, but I have conclusive PROOF that aliens live and work among us… my research design prof.
This specimen, which I have called Biological Replicon KR-Alpha (BRKR) appears at first glance to be a normal human person. Well, maybe ‘normal’ is stretching it a bit. However, upon closer and repeated inspection, it is clear to even the most skeptical of people that this is not a human as we know them.
Physical appearance, while very peculiar, is not the basis of this pronouncement. Despite the bizarre structure of the human costume that BRKR wears, the most damning evidence is in the specimen’s unorthodox behaviour. I make a few observations about its species:
The people of BRKR’s planet seem to communicate through the backs of their heads. This becomes increasingly evident as one compares the amount of time BRKR spends staring at the overhead with its back to the class, while continuing to talk. This is possibly due to the extreme aversion BRKR’s people have to seeing empty chairs. When faced with this situation, BRKR becomes highly agitated and will lose track of its thought patterns.
BRKR’s people display displeasure by moistening their upper lip repeatedly. To the untrained eye, this action would appear much like an eerie attempt at seducing an entire lecture hall. However, being the scientist I am, I conclude that this is a means of expelling waste chemicals. Another waste removal site is what we humans would call the ‘belly button’. As a consequence of this, BRKR is careful never to wear clothes that conceal this aperture, opting instead for belly-toppers without undershirts, or wearing a jacket as a shirt.
We can tell that despite their advanced ways, BRKR’s people are technologically behind, since BRKR’s translation module only works one way. As a consequence, BRKR is able to speak fluent English. However, when confronted with even a simple question, BRKR becomes flummoxed and resorts to staring intently at any nearby bright object (i.e. computer screen, projection screen) as a calming technique as the translators in the mothership work frantically to produce an answer (with varying success).
However, the most compelling evidence I can provide for my theory is the following: the presence of antennae on the head. In an attempt to disguise these telltale appendages, BRKR wears a disheveled hairdo, hoping to prevent detection while simultaneously providing ample space for transmission to continue unimpeded. Upon closer reflection, however, one will remember that NO woman lets her hair go THAT crazy unless she is trying to hide something.
To the untrained eye, all these occurrences may seem to be just the profile of a highly-eccentric person. When we look at the facts all gathered together however, we see a much more startling reality: aliens are attempting to destroy the human population by boring us to death. Beware – no one is safe.
