Porocrom’s Crappaper

It is time for yet another Porocrom post. To those of you who said that this site is dead, we can only say “shut up, it’s not dead, it’s only dying”. This time, the amazing review will concern the movie 300. The review is brought to you by Dark Tranquillity’s Ex Nihilo and a watchplate. So, 300. Granted, I haven’t actually seen the movie, but hey, this is the internet, you’re what you say you are, so fuck if I’m not going to write a review. While I’m at it, I am a movie critic and a historian who specialises in ancient Sparta.

Before watching the movie, I constantly heard all kinds of criticism about it, so you can imagine that I was more than a little curious to see if it would be justified or not. The Iranians were like “Persians are portrayed as goddamn fairies”. Goddamn fairies were like “man, those spartans are hot”. Spartans were like “Dude, what the fuck, ancient spartans were actually wearing armor, but who the fuck cares, those spartans are hot. Plus the Persians are kinda gay, are we sure they actually wanted to make war, not love?”. I’ll let you know when I do watch it, but in the mean time, I can tell you one thing. That movie is so fucking unrealistic. Seriously. For one, spartans weren’t all ripped. There’s not one spartan with a pot belly in that movie, or even one whose abs’ indentations are less than two inches deep. I happen to know for a fact that in the original battle there was one guy who liked to have one beer too many occasionally, but they still kept him around as a human shield or for fetching the drinks.

Also, what the fuck is up with the sun? The colors are all wrong. Have you ever seen the sky being that red? We are forced to conclude by the cinematography that ancient sparta’s atmosphere was part methane, either because of the flatulence all those beans caused or because of the fact that the movie actually takes place on Mars.

Shit, there are so many things wrong with the movie, I don’t know where to begin. Fuck, I bet those guys weren’t even 300. I bet they just said that to sound cool. “Hey, we’re 300 and we killed like, a million persians! Of course, we’re all dead, so, come to think of it, there’s really noone to tell you this, but it’s still cool as fuck. Also, the previous sentence contains profanity unbecoming a spartan”.

While I’m at it, I should warn you about some other unrealistic movies. For example, Terminator 2. God that movie sucked. Remember the scene where the Governator is on the motorcycle (by the way, on the high-def version you can clearly see it’s not the Governator, but I digress)? Remember how he like, twirls his gun like a well built, masculine cheerleader twirling a baton to reload it? THAT SHIT NEVER HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE. I got a sawed-off shotgun and tried to reload it like that, and I fucking shot myself in the face! Twice! It’s impossible for that to happen, yet I don’t see the persians or the Terminators complaining about that. You know why? Because the Terminator minority is misrepresented in the world, but that’s a whole other post.

So, 300. I have another bone to pick with the movie, which is that the music playing in the background (on the trailer, anyway) is totally out of place. No spartan would be playing that music in the background, alternative rock wasn’t invented until a few millennia later. The movie is just rife with inaccuracies. Also, if Ephialtes was born in sparta, they’d have thrown his ass down a cliff, not given him a lollipop and a bullshit excuse. “Aww, U R 2 KEWT, but ur 2 short 4 hold teh shield, sorri ^_^”. Fuck that.

That movie totally pissed me off. I should probably watch Harry Potter or something to cool off. Harry Potter contains no inaccuracies whatsoever, by the way. That is all.

A few years ago, a movie called Saw came out, and stupid viewers the world over watched it and cried in unison “Wow, that was so unexpected. I just came in my pants”. If you haven’t seen the movie, it’s about some guy killing people by putting them in situation where escape is hard (such as trapping a guy in a device that will crush his face and putting the key behind his eye or some shit), and enjoys watching what they do.

So, these two dudes wake up in a room with a corpse one day, and try to escape. After many trials and tribulations, it is revealed that the murderer was a patient of one of the two dudes, and we see him in the movie for two fucking seconds. Literally, he’s lying in a bed during a scene, he doesn’t even have a line. In the end, the dead body with the bashed head that has been in the room for the last two hours stands up and it is revealed that hey, that’s no dead body, it’s the murderer. This is the point where people go “wow, I did not see that coming”.

A good movie surprise must consist of two elements: Giving you hints all over the place, and the outcome still being totally unexpected. Sixth sense was a good surprise. Saw excels in the second element, but only because it fails miserably in the first. It’s very fucking easy to do something unexpected when you haven’t shown anything relating to it during the whole fucking movie. A dead guy gets up, and whoop-de-doo, nobody expects it. Of course you don’t expect it, you idiot, it wasn’t hinted at at all! Would you still think the movie rocked if the murderer came out a flowerpot?

I am thinking of making a movie as well, and since audiences are so easy, it will be an instant hit. It’ll feature gory murders and major plot holes, but in the end some dude will come in and be like “I did all the murders because I am going to die some day and I wanted you all to die before me! Also, I am responsible for all the plot holes, and I have been hiding in this flowerpot for the entire movie! How obvious was that?!”. I can see it now, it will be the highest grossing movie of all time. Noone will expect the ending, even though the killer will have been right there under their noses the entire time. Maybe I’ll add a flowerpot watermark on the lower right corner of the screen, too, thus making it the only movie ever that featured the killer in every single scene with no one being any the wiser. It’s brilliant, brilliant!

So yeah, there’s this dismembered dude in the middle of the room for some twelve hours, and neither of the characters notices he’s alive. No “Hey, this guy’s breathing”, no “Who farted? It was you, wasn’t it? Well, it wasn’t me, so it’s either you or the dead guy! Oh, wait…”, no nothing. And in the end the guy just gets up and is like “Hello gentlemen, I am really alive, my severed head was really just makeup, how good am I, huh”!

I am in awe of how stupid people can be while thinking they’re Sherlock Holmes. “Wow, how could I have missed that? He was there the entire time, and I am very very good at spotting these hints, therefore my hat’s off to the writers”. Nobody considers that the reason they might not have expected the dead guy to be the killer is that the guy is fucking dead!

Please, please, if you have seen this movie and think it is the best thing since anal sex with a young Thai boy, please comment here and tell me why you find it so brilliant, I am very much interested in hearing your opinions (so I can mock you afterwards for being an idiot).

I just saw House of Wax and I want my fucking hour back. What an utter load of fucking shit. It was about a city where some brothers kill and maim and whatever, bleh. I realise films require some suspension of disbelief, but this fucking movie required suspension of brain activity in order to be enjoyed. No, not really, not even braindead people would enjoy it. In fact, they would detest it. Anyway, as I was watching it, getting ideas on how to kill the friend that suggested it, I began to identify some of the cliches of horror films. Seriously, come to think of it, all these movies are always, always the same. I will elaborate on what I mean anon:

When being chased by someone, forget to walk.

Why is it that when the killer chases someone, that dude never remembers how walking goes. I mean, how fucking often have you tripped and fell in the last 20 years of your life? Seriously, it’s right foot, left foot, it shouldn’t be that fucking hard. Also, when someone’s chasing you and you fall, don’t get up immediately, just take your fucking time, what’s he going to do anyway, kill you? Nah. Lying down and staring at him is a surefire way to scare him away, do that.

When hiding, don’t be quiet.

There’s someone after you and you manage to pick your ass up from the ground long enough to find an abandoned warehouse, conveniently placed in the middle of the desert. You get in and find a hiding place, and the killer waits patiently for you to hide and comes in, even though he was just two seconds behind you. So, now that you are safely hidden, what can you do to pass the time? That’s right, sneeze. Don’t feel obliged to be quiet, that’s rude. Sneeze, cough, play with some bones and scream when a severed head falls, whatever, it’s all good.

If you manage to injure the killer, walk away.

Picture this: You’re walking through an abandoned town, complete with everything people have in houses, and you know there is one or more killers in the vicinity. Don’t stop to take anything, and if you see knives or guns around just leave them there. If, despite what I just said, some kind of lame weapon like a baseball bat or a crossbow falls in your hands, try to injure the killer. When you do, he will invariably fall to the ground and obviously die. You don’t really need to check or make sure he’s dead in any way, because, well, you just put a dart through his fucking skin! If that’s not a fatal wound, I don’t know what is. “Hey, wanna check if the dude’s dead?” “Nah, just leave his gun and yours and let’s go to the other buildings, it’s cool.”

The killer dies.

This is an extension of the previous rule. The killer never dies, you idiot. Even if he somehow dies now, he’ll be alive in the sequel. This is actually a pretty good way to discover who the killer is, just kill everyone on the cast, whoever doesn’t die is the psychopath. Other people will die by the dozens, just smack them in the face and they die, but you can bludgeon, shoot, burn, poison, hang, maim, burn, poison, shoot, maim, maim the killer and he’ll still be alive to kill again. That’s why you see three and four sequels to a god-awful movie.

The killer can’t walk through walls.

No matter where you are, no matter how well you’ve looked around before you get in there, the killer is in there with you. I don’t care if you just jumped in a coffin and locked the lid, the killer will either be hiding under the pillow or slip in through the crack. Just when you think you’ve lost him, he’ll come and stab you in the ass with his dick. Can you say “anal rape”?

Whatever you do, don’t stick together.

Hey, you’re 12 people against one killer and you’re trying to avoid dying. Obviously, the best way to do that is to split up, because, let’s face it, noone is going to kill 12 people one by one, right? Right. So, don’t arm yourselves, don’t stick together, don’t even try to get the fuck out of wherever you are, just split up and roam around aimlessly. Statistics have shown that people who do that have a 95.7% chance of survival, and that’s a damn good chance.

So, there you have it. An unofficial guide on how to survive a (bad) horror movie. By the way, Elisha Cuthbert is quite the hotness. Nice boobs. Paris Hilton could use some face ironing, but nice body. Yes, this post has descended to boob talk, sic transit gloria mundi.

I went to see a movie yesterday to this new multiplex movie theatre thing which boasted a screen the size of the equator, a sound system that plays even sounds you can’t hear and seats that give you orgasms. By the way, if you watch Ong Bak, there’s some chalk writing on a wall somewhere that says “Hi, Speilberg. Let do it together.” I wonder if they are going to “do it together”… But yes, the theatre.

I don’t understand the point of larger and larger screens. They have gotten so large that I always have to turn my head from side to side to catch the entire frame. Whenever conversation scenes come on I get spinal injuries, I have watched tennis games with less pain than that. I can only blame the stupid people that go to whatever theatre has the largest screen. Here’s a tip, Einstein: If you want a big screen, stick your nose up to your TV and watch, it’s much better that way.

Also, what is up with the sound systems? People seem to have mistaken “better quality” for “higher volume”. Hey, owner guy, I would prefer gunshots not to cause my ear drums to bleed. On romantic scenes it feels like I’m in a club and on action scenes it feels like I’m strapped to the bottom of the space shuttle during takeoff. Digital sound is great as long as it doesn’t cause deafness, and soon my insurance company will stop covering cinema-related injuries so a movie will cost about $1300.

Needless to say, the seats didn’t give me an orgasm (or if they did it was when I was unconscious), my pants were clean. Seriously though, how can each row of seats be a foot higher than the next one and I still get some guy’s head right where Kate Beckinsale’s genitalia is supposed to be? Damn you, tall guy. Maybe it would help if they didn’t make the fucking screen larger than a football field and then lower it right in front of the first row.

And don’t get me started about the popcorn and soda. Since when do they cost more than the actual fucking ticket? A bucket of popcorn costs like $6, and last time I checked it took two cobs of corn and some salt to make it. We grow that shit by the ton, what the fuck caused a worldwide shortage of corn these days? And since when did a medium Coke cost $3? Where am I, Africa?

The thing that pisses me off the most is that almost every movie is a piece of shit. I remember watching Ecks vs. Sever a few years ago, it was the most expensive nap I ever took. I slept through 90% of the movie and I still know the plot. It was like “doze off, explosion, wake up, Antonio Banderas. Doze off, explosion, wake up, Antonio Banderas”. What an original concept, and Lucy Liu wasn’t even naked in any scene (or maybe I missed it, but I doubt it, I would have woken up if anyone was moaning). At least there’s not much else to do in the theatre so my ADD isn’t a problem, but it takes me 3 days to watch a DVD when I rent one. Late fees are a bitch.

In summation, they should give you a complimentary blowjob with each movie, and with all the darkness in the cinema I wouldn’t even take that, you never know who’s doing the sucking. Also, I just finished watching Saw II, and it’s not as horrible as the first one, but a bit more stupid. Imagine, you’re in a house full of traps and you just rush to grab everything you see. “Oops, I died.” That’s Saw II.

P.S. Best movie ever: The Shawshank Redemption (Disclaimer: I haven’t watched any one of the Godfathers)

Courtroom dramas. You know, those series/movies on TV where people are in a courtroom. What about courtroom dramas, you might ask. I will tell you what about courtroom dramas, I will answer. I hate courtroom dramas. And by the time I’m done, I will have used the phrase “courtroom dramas” so many times that you will hate it too, because it will have stopped sounding like a phrase and it will sound all weird in your mind.

I was watching Law and Order a few minutes ago, it’s over now. I don’t mean that old one, I mean the one with the hot blonde chick whom I would vow I would have sex with if she wasn’t so old, because now by the time I get to have sex with her she will be a hundred years old, and I don’t do old women. Except Kate Beckinsale, I’d do Kate Beckinsale even if she was 200. Anyway, I don’t even know if it was Law and Order, it is the one that intermittently shows a big black screen with white letters that describe the current place and this sound goes dan dan and you shit your pants, because it’s that cool.

While watching that, I realised how stupid and gullible all the guilty people are. Below is an actual conversation from a movie which I have made up, but it will be from a movie when I film it. Anyhow, it is quite representative of all the other courtroom dramas.

Lawyer: Mr. Smith, did you kill Mrs. Doe?
Accused: You have no evidence! I have an alibi! I was at a party that night! You will never convict me!
Lawyer: Please answer with “yes” or “no”.
Other lawyer: Objection, Your Honour! Speculating!
His Honour: Sustained. Please focus on facts, or I will have you in contempt, bitch!
Lawyer: Mr. Smith, did you not kill Mrs. Doe?
Accused: (Starts to cry) She wouldn’t leave me alone! She was always ordering me “mail this” and “do that” and “call him” and “set me an appointment for 8 pm”!
Lawyer: You were her secretary! You were her secretary and you couldn’t handle that, could you? That’s why when she went to the bathroom you put three gallons of industrial solvent in her coffee, isn’t it? {font-size: smaller} Even though we have no evidence of that because her body was never found. Come to think of it, we don’t even know if she’s dead, she might be on vacation somewhere. But that is irrelevant. You couldn’t take the pressure so you killed her, didn’t you?
Accused: (Sobbing) YES! YES! I CONFESS, ALL RIGHT? Even though your lack of evidence is phenomenal and my full-time job is an actor I cannot take your unfounded accusations any more. I would rather die in the electric chair than refuse to answer for a minute until you go away! (More tears, someone isn’t using Johnson’s Baby Shampoo)

Just think how much simpler life would be if everyone acted like those shows. For example, if you suspect your wife faked an orgasm, you could go with this:

You: Honey, did you orgasm just now?
She: Oh yes baby, it was great. My pudendum feels like sunshine and butterflies now.
You: You’re lying! You didn’t have an orgasm and so you faked one, didn’t you?!
She: (In tears) OKAY! I ADMIT IT! IT WAS ALL A LIE! ALL THESE SECONDS, NONE OF IT WAS TRUE! BOOHOO!

Oh yes, life would be much simpler, like in biblical times when God told you it was going to rain and you built a giant boat instead of a giant umbrella… Ah, those were the days. But I digress. There was one movie I actually liked, the one with Tom Cruise and Demi Moore and Jack Nicholson. DID YOU ORDER A CODE RED? YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID, BITCH! That movie was nice. And this post comes to an end like a car hitting a wall. And by that I mean that you survive unscathed but this post is no more. Also, abruptly.