Yesterday I didn’t know what to do, so I went over to the video store and I looked for hours to find a movie I’d like to watch, but in vain, as I had seen most of them already. I asked for a good comedy because I didn’t want to be bummed out again (“Lilja 4 Ever” sucks and so does “Sonny”), and I was promptly instructed that “comedies are over there”. So, here I am, going over there, and as I was browsing the movies on the shelf, I see… “THE SEARCH FOR ONE-EYE JIMMY!” So I’m thinking “Hey, there’s Steve Buscemi, and that guy from Mr. Jeeves and some other dude I don’t know, and there’s a one-eyed dude in it, so I can’t lose, can I?” BIG mistake.
I rented it, took it home and popped it in the DVD player. Things went kinda blurry from there, but I will narrate what I DO remember. There was this journalist or something that did a story on the particular neighbourhood for some reason, and he stumbled upon the discovery that One-eye Jimmy had been lost like a few days ago. “Eureka!”, he thought! “This story is going to make me rich and famous”, he also thought, hoping that One-eye Jimmy would be dead and that he would be the only reporter to document something of that magnitude on tape. And so, THE SEARCH FOR ONE-EYE JIMMY begins!
They roam faraway lands and strange places (their neighbourhood) in a futile quest to return Jimmy to his rightful owner (his mother). In this quest they meet many a farcical character like the guy from Mr. Jeeves (John Turturro? Yeah, him) and other useless people. At some point they “rescue” a hooker from her manager who rightfully wants to claim his share of her earnings, the bastards. At some other point, they throw a party hoping that Jimmy would hear about it and show up(?) or something like that.
After the party, and while Jimmy is nowhere to be seen, his mother begins to despair and realise that she is never going to see her dumbass lazy son alive again. At that exact moment (or maybe earlier or later, I don’t remember), like a deus ex machina, Jimmy appears! Everybody is overjoyed (except the reporter who lost his only shot at becoming famous, because he’s obviously a hack and stupid), and they ask Jimmy where he had been. After these breathtaking (yawn) two-or-so hours, the question that was on every viewer’s lips is about to be answered: “Where was Jimmy?!”
Wait for it… Jimmy had LOCKED HIS DUMB FUCKING ASS IN THE BASEMENT LAUNDRY ROOM when he tried to do some laundry and the lock jammed or something, and he couldn’t call the super because he was away on vacation. HOW FUCKING STUPID CAN HE BE?! I was overjoyed at having wasted my money to see this piece of shit, and I wished wholeheartedly that Jimmy died after losing his other eye.
The picture was horrible (it looked like it had been shot with a goddamn camera obscura), and the plot was so dumb that made you think “Wait, it can’t be that dumb, I must have not understood something and this is actually great.” Only it turns out that you didn’t miss anything, except maybe your $2.50. How did all these actors get together in this monstrosity? Did they just say “hey, let’s see if we can make a film that costs more to rent than make, while ruining our reputations at the same time!” Well, they succeeded. This is a good movie to see if you are suicidal, it gives you a purpose in life, and that purpose is not to rest until every single person in this movie is dead or in jail for the rest of their lives.
Other than that, I enjoyed the film a lot.
I just finished watching Jackie Chan in Legend of the Drunken Master. Great movie, awesome fight scenes, funny jokes. What struck me most though, was the valuable life-lessons it taught.
For those of you not familiar with the Drunken Master films, I will give a brief synopsis. Jackie stars as Wong Fei-Hung, a rebellious Chinese youth who spends his days carousing with his ne’er-do-well friends. When he’s not mocking his kung-fu instructor or slacking off with his friends, he also enjoys sexually harassing his cousin. This eventually gets him in trouble when his aunt kicks his ass, then tells on him (which I think is unfair. Either one or the other, but both is a little harsh). Fei-Hung is sentenced to train under So Hi, whose training methods are notoriously brutal. Despite running away, Fei-Hung is caught by So Hi and must learn the style of the Drunken Master in order to defeat the assassin sent to kill his father.
In the second film Legend, Fei-Hung returns much chastened by his experiences as a kung-fu master. However, his rebellious streak lands him in trouble when he gets mixed up in the world of artifact theft. Apparently the British are stealing Chinese artifacts and Fei-Hung must stop them with his kung-fu styles.
These seem like short enough plots, but luckily for you and me, each tiny bit of plot development is punctuated by a 15-minute fight scene. These aren’t your sissy Matrix-style fight scenes either. These are Jackie Chan fight scenes (I direct your attention to Supercop when he beats up like 15 ninjas using an A-frame ladder!)
The movie’s simplicity belies the deep and moving lessons one can learn by watching attentively. For your convenience, I have outlined them here.
1) Kung-Fu is the strongest force in the universe
This is the primary lesson, around which all the others orbit. If your kung-fu is strong enough, you can stop multi-million dollar international intrigue. The guys who are highest up on the command chain have the best kung-fu. All the other average Joes have barely passable kung-fu.
2) Every Chinese person knows kung-fu
It’s not just a sterotype. If this movie is to be believed, every single person in China is at least a 2nd-degree black belt in kung-fu. Don’t go to China to pick a fight! You will lose. North-American kung-fu is not strong enough to compete. I wonder why China doesn’t win more medals, considering they can all run up walls and stuff
3) It is possible for one man to fight off a gang of armed men
Numbers do not matter if your kung-fu is strong enough. A million guys with axes are no match for one old guy with a take-charge attitude. Also, if your kung-fu is good enough, enemies will not realize that if three attack at the same time they will easily defeat you. They will also forget that they can throw their axes.
4) There are no negative side-effects to alcohol
Don’t believe the pamphlets or the doctors. Alcohol doesn’t destroy your liver, give you delirium tremens, reduce your higher brain functions or reduce your motor functions. Instead, it gives you incredible wisdom (provided your kung-fu is strong enough), makes you incredibly witty and lovable, and actually improves your chances of winning a fight. By dampening the amount of pain you receive, your co-ordination improves as well as your judgment and reflexes. Also, the more you drink, the sharper you become.
5) The average kung-fu master is indestructible
In Legends, Fei-Hung suffers multiple punches and kicks to the head and face, takes several hits with iron bars, drinks flammable chemicals, and is dragged across molten coals. Yet the next day, all he has to do is sleep off the hangover. This is why the Chinese army has never been defeated (unless you count that time when they were completely occupied by Japan). Not only are they invincible, but they are really good at math. Also, blocking kicks with your face is a really good idea.
6) The government, police and authority figures are useless
It’s not just a rumour anymore. If you have a problem, be it someone you don’t like, a dispute at work, or an entire country attempting to plunder historic treasures, it can be solved by kicking ass. Going to the police, army, government or any authority figure will not help you solve your problems. Nor will calm discussion or diplomacy. The only way to ensure that your way of life can continue is if you kick everyone’s ass until they agree with you, or are dead. (Hmm, I wonder if the American government of the past 60-or-so years watched these movies too)
So kids, draw yourself a pint and practice your kicks, because once you learn kung-fu, your life will be perfect. Except that everyone will want to kill you. But don’t worry: if all else fails, block stuff with your face and no harm shall come to you.
I was watching Black Hawk Down (actually I have been watching it for the last week, 10 minutes per day or so), and it suddenly hit me. You can always tell the good guys from the bad guys in any movie, because the good guys kill five bad guys with one bullet, while the bad guys kill one good guy with a hundred bullets, and the bad guys’ rockets never hit anyone, while the good guys destroy a small country’s population with a single grenade.
The Americans were out in the open, with hundreds of Somalis all around them (and in elevated positions, I might add), and the Somalis never hit anyone, no matter how slow he was moving, while the Americans killed 2-3 Somalis with one burst. Now that’s efficiency!
Despite all this, the Americans always ran out of ammo, mainly because of two reasons. The first is that Somalia, being the rich country that it is (never mind that they fit machine guns on old cars), had an infinite supply of ammo so they could shoot all day without running out. The second reason is that Somalis aren’t born, their parents cultivate them in huge fields in Somalia, and each Somali takes two to five days to go from seed to fully adult. Thusly, there were millions upon millions of them, and no matter how many you kill, more will always be back to shoot at you. Oh, and if you kill one, two others will grow in his place, so it’s really OK to kill them en masse.
Also, what the fuck is wrong with Orlando Bloom? When you’re on a chopper, you fucking idiot, you hang on to shit, especially when you are about to go down a rope. If you stand in the middle of the chopper doing your tap dancing, then it serves you right to fall off it. I haven’t finished the movie yet so I don’t know if he lives or dies, but he’s nothing but trouble, so that won’t be a terrible loss.
I have just think of a way that this movie might have been better, so I will release this plot in the public domain, with the hope that someone makes a movie: There are to US soldiers in a chopper, the pilot and another one. The chopper goes down, the pilot explodes ALL OVER THE PLACE, I mean, there’s blood and legs and arms and heads and shit all over Somalia, and not only two of each. Then the other dude who was in the chopper tries to guard what’s left of the pilot (his chopper) while millions upon millions of black thin dudes fires at him with guns, RPGs and nuclear bombs, but nothing hits him, because he’s a well-known actor and not some extra. While he is shooting and killing people and forming mountains of dead bodies (which is OK, because they don’t live in the US), he calls in to his base to send backup, but they say “Negative, Doe, you are surrounded by Somalis so we can’t send assistance”. Oh my, really? WHY THE HELL WOULD HE NEED ASSISTANCE IF HE WASN’T? Because of this hole, I have to add hugeass explosions all around, so noone will notice it, so here goes:
BOOOOOOM! PSHHHHHHHHHH! BANG BANG! PSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! BOOM!
Ok, so he’s alone and killing everyone. This is the point where the movie ends, but I haven’t seen all of it, so I can only speculate. My guess is he does something really heroic like dying or running out of ammo and sneaking behind the Somalis and killing him with his nail clipper. I think that him dying would be better, because there are 270m Americans while there are only 6m Somalis.
Anyway, I’ll watch the rest and get back to you later. Maybe.
I watched this movie yesterday, about some students who were writing a college project on Jack the Ripper, and a copycat serial killer started killing them one by one. It was the biggest load of crap I’ve seen in a long time, so I thought I would share it with you. Mind you, I don’t know the title of the movie or any of the actors in it (except perhaps their professor, but I don’t even know his name), and I don’t particularly care to find out. The previous sentence serves no purpose at all, I just didn’t want to start a new paragraph after only two lines of text.
This movie featured some great acting, such as the British exchange student, whose accent was 10% British and 80% American (the rest 10% was when he didn’t speak). Seriously, that guy was such a joke, he pronounced half the words with a British accent and half with an American accent. I can do better than that, and I’m neither British nor American. I have no idea why I was not cast for the movie, but I’m just grateful, because it was a wreck.
So, after a few murders they drive (flee? I wasn’t watching too carefully) up to a cabin on the mountain, and they lock themselves in it to wait for daylight to come. When their professor tries to call for help from his cellphone, he finds out that it is not working, so naturally he assumes that the storm has damaged the antenna on the top of the mountain. He tells his eight or nine students that the phone is not working, and one of them goes “I have a little knowledge of electronics, I will go fix it!”. Hey, dumbass, this is not the same as putting batteries in your mom’s dildo, this is complex electronics. I mean, how stupid is that, the multi-million-dollar communications antenna breaks down and a sociology or what-the-fuck-ever undergrad student will go fix it. Naturally, some of the students get the faint idea that there is something wrong with that statement, so one chick tries to stop them by saying, obviously, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”. REALLY?! Why would that not be a good idea!? You mean that I shouldn’t go off alone in the middle of the night to the top of the mountain just because a serial killer wants to kill me, and that I should safely wait in here with nine more people? That’s crazy! Our electronics expert obviously disagrees because “she can’t tell him what to do”, and he gets in the car with a few more students (including the one that warned him, go figure) and they all drive off to the top of the mountain.
Somewhere along the way, the car breaks down (what a surprising plot twist, nobody could see THAT coming!) for no readily apparent reason, and they get out to wait for the killer (I think they actually had another reason for getting out, but it was stupid and I don’t remember it). As you can imagine, they all die, or maybe one survives.
We now go back to the cabin where the others are waiting, and they are trying to figure out why the killer is killing them in that order. As soon as they start to find a logical pattern in the murders, the movie comes to an abrupt end, because I turned off the television, I can’t stand to watch that shit. If you want to know what happens next though, I will venture a guess that the power goes off and they all end up dead, and the killer was actually the chick that warned the dude not to go fix the antenna. Can I have my Academy Award now?
I was watching Alien 1 yesterday, and I noticed that computers are always dealt with in the same way in many movies. I have prepared a small list of these cliches for you:
Whenever there is an “Access Denied” message there is an “Override” button.
“I’m sorry, I cannot let you see these files because they are top secret and only the Prime Minister of Greece can look at them, but if you ask me again I will be happy to oblige”. Seriously, how gay is that? Why would anyone do that? Are they expecting the character to say “Oooh, access is denied, I’d better not tire myself with pressing an extra button and go along doing my business!”. Or in Demolition Man, where the dude was so highly trained while being an ice cube that he could make “Override” buttons magically appear on “Access Denied” windows.
Whenever someone looks at a screen, the letters are projected on their face.
“Hey, look, his face is a screen, cool!”. This increases readability immensely, I suppose, since everyone can see on your face what you are seeing. That wouldn’t be so useful if the character was watching porn instead of saving planet X, would it?
Hackers always run away from the police in great big car-chases.
“Let’s run from the police now that we have defaced this website! That will surely make the police forget our names and addresses and we can live happily ever after.” No, sorry, in reality you just get a paper telling you to come to court, and you’re screwed. You don’t even need a fancy car for that.
Good hackers can guess the password that consists of one letter in a few tries. Security agencies cannot.
“Hey, I will just use my birthday year as the password. Surely noone will guess that!” Tough luck, because the mindpower of the trained hacker is immense, and he can look right through your powerful encryption scheme immediately. Setting passwords like egr#RGerg&*97GE3qg9jh23s is more secure, but let’s face it, your company secrets aren’t worth that much anyway.
Whenever text is output to the screen it comes on letter by letter and the really advanced computers can make a sound, too.
“Wow, this is great! No more instant display, now the computer can display the text at this stupidly slow rate so that I cannot read it as easily!” Our technology has not yet reached the point of making text appear gradually, and it will be a giant leap for mankind when it does.
The more acronyms the computer’s parts’ names have, the better they are.
“I have a RISC processor with OMFG architecture and a WOM chip interfaced by a USB cable on the LAN peripheral through PCI-ISA interface. Needless to say, I have a TB of RAM and a SB of WTF MB w/9000 GFX card.” Names that ordinary people can understand mean that the computer sucks. Hackers know all the acronyms by heart, and that is the mark of the good hacker.
If you are a Hollywood movie director (Earth to Poromenos, wake up Poromenos), read this list and please make a movie about computers that does not suck. Also, hire me as a creative consultant at $6000/mo. Cheap, no?
