Porocrom’s Crappaper

As many of you know, I am a huge music fan. That doesn’t mean that I myself am huge and that I am a fan of music… nor is it to say that I am a fan of huge music… although I am pretty big, and huge music rocks pretty hard…

ANYWAYS

I am a huge music fan. What you may not know is that I am secretly a fan of hip-hop. Now when I say hip-hop I’m not really referring to the crap that you hear on the radio or in the clubs with some idiot who broke into the studio and figured out how to turn on the microphone and raps about how much he enjoys bling and shooting people. That’s not hip-hop to me, that’s pop music. I’m talking about real hip-hop. It’s a style of music that originated as a voice of repressed and alienated urban youth in the 1980s. There exists currently a huge schism between “Old School” sometimes called True School) and “New School” hip-hop, with many artists caught in the middle. Suffice it to say, the stuff out there that is good is AMAZING.

Anyways, having been listening to a lot of hip-hop (both good and bad) and I have deciphered what you (yes YOU) need to become an overnight success in the rap industry. Hang on to your Los Angeles basketball jerseys and Starter caps, and follow me down the road to…

RAP IMMORTALITY

Step 1: Name

Your rapper alias should be a reflection of the image you wish to project as a rapper. Biggie Smalls apparently wanted to confuse everyone with a paradox, which would keep them distracted as he quickly stole their money. Snoop Dogg is Charles Schultz’ bastard son. Puff Daddy, as everyone knows, is a marshmallow addict. Dr. Dre spent 10 years in private practice as a plastic surgeon before a major celebrity screw-up forced him into the music business (I’m not at liberty to divulge who, but think “Jack Michaelson” and you’ll be on the right track).

Your name could be something dangerous like “Mack the Knife” or “Dangerous Person” or “Guy Who May or May Not Have a Gun”. The name could also be something subtly clever, like “MC Square” or “Mike Rho Phone”. If you are really stuck for a name, take the first letter of your name and pair it with an animal. So “Jared” becomes “J-Dogg”, Tiffany becomes “T-Kitty” and Arthur becomes “A-Galapagos Tortoise”.

Step 2: Image

There are three main rapper images, which are blended like primary colours to make various shades of rapper.

- The first theme is “Homeless Person”, where you dress in clothes that do not fit you properly. The appeal to the homeless person persona is that you appear to be close to the streets, since you sleep with your face against them every night. The downside is the obvious odour problem and that pesky crack habit.

- The second type is “Wealthy Merchant”. This is a person who has far more money than they can possibly spend wisely, and so they purchase luxury cars and diamond necklaces. They drink overpriced alcohol and throw lavish parties. The best part of this image is that it makes your fans feel bad about being poor and having little-to-no opportunity to improve their lifestyle.

- The third and final type is “Thoughtless Hurtful Ugly Guttersnipe” or, known better by its acronym, THUG. The THUG style is espoused by several rappers, and is characterized by thoughtless lack of regard for human life and the authorities, coupled with antisocial behaviour. The key to pulling this image off is to confess to killing a lot of people. We are still puzzled as to why Tim McVeigh’s rap carreer never got off the ground.

NOTE: This is also an excellent time to acquire “bling”

Step 3: The Video

No hip-hop artist can be successful without a video. This is a chance to exhibit your newfound name and image. Most of the videos I have seen feature a few essential items:

• Women with self-esteem only slightly lower than their body fat percentage
• Excessive pointing of fingers or sometimes gestures with the entire hand
• Unrealistic dance routines that would get you beat horribly if you tried to perform them
• Infidelity and polygamy, especially with really ugly men getting ridiculously attractive women. This gives fat guys hope so that instead of going to the gym and getting a job, they will just buy more records.

Remember, the magic formula to sales is

Phase 1 – lower fan self esteem
Phase 2 – ???
Phase 3 – Profit

Step 4: The Music

This is probably the least important step, but we’ll include it anyway because I like things that have 4 parts. You can rap about anything you like. Here are some helpful tips:

• Make unrealistic (or better yet, impossible) boasts about your skills. For example, “I rap so well that I arm-wrestled God and won” or “I traveled back in time and single-handedly defeated the armies of Gaul” or “There are 4 fundamental physical particles, protons, electrons, neutrons, and my rap.” Keep in mind that most people won’t understand these references, but they sound cool.
• Use the lingo. You don’t “sing”, you “spit”. You don’t have a “gun” you have a “glock”. You don’t have “female friends” you have “bitches”. This will help increase your “street cred”, which our team of scientists believe is either a small, squirrel-like creature native to Sumatra, or a type of submersible conveyance used in the slavery era.
• Use racial slurs as much as you can, unless you are white. If you are white, pick a different genre. We let Eminem in and now look what happened.

Using these tips you should have no problem becoming an overnight success. In a related note, look for my new album “Stronger than Strong Nuclear Force” coming out under the name “MC Having-Sex-with-your-Mother” in stores soon.

Yes folks, it is time for yet another edition of…

This month we’ll be looking at an artist (not a band, sorry) that was brought to my attention by my buddy Ken when he was introducing me to a lot of hip-hop music. He cautioned me that Sage is not strictly hip-hop, but I decided to give it a try anyways. I’m really glad I did.

Sage Francis (or Paul Francis as he is otherwise known) pioneers a really effective fusion of spoken-word poetry and hip-hop. He is the front man for his group Art Official Intelligence (AOI). Anyone who read the BIL about The Weakerthans and liked the lyrical depth will NOT be disappointed by Sage:

… is she buying it? I tilt my glass and drink the phlegm, she’s still scoping in fact this chick’s a 10
At least in my book, which isn’t all that well read, but it’s been said
That when she gets her grip on men they simply bend backwards
She attracts nerds, jocks, substitutes and student teachers,
Who all profess their love for all of her protruding features…

It’s difficult for me to pick one good quote from Sage, so I have posted this exerpt from the middle of Cafe Girl and instead ask you guys to download some of the titles I’ve indicated below, because it wouldn’t do the music justice to judge it by a couple lines.

Sage’s sardonic sense of humour, coupled with his incredible skills as a lyricist make his stuff really interesting to listen to. This is boosted by the fact that he’s not another carbon-copy rapper talking about bitches, booze and blunts. One of my favourites is a song about blind fealty to brand power called Narcissist: “I don’t look at myself in the mirror because I’m a narcissist, I simply like to watch myself exist“. Other songs like “Makeshift Patriot” and “Sage Kills” are reactions to Sept 11 and the resulting war in the gulf. Many others are drawn from personal experience.

Sage is also very outspoken in his criticism of the state of rap music, which he is justified in doing, since he is great and gets very little recognition, while rappers with no talent are making money in fistfuls. For example, at an outdoor festival in England, Sage performed a song in which the chorus was “I’ve seen 99 rappers, but Jay-Z ain’t one”.

Sage once again fulfills my requirements for an ideal artist. He’s obscure enough that I can still feel cool talking about him, but not so esoteric that nobody’s heard of him. He’s incredibly lyrically strong, and in terms of production and the back beat he’s more than acceptable. His live stuff is a lot of fun to listen to as well.

If you’re interested in Sage, check out some of these titles

• Hopeless (this one is just a poem, but it is one of the most amazing things I’ve ever heard)
• Narcissist
• Andy Kauffman
• Makeshift Patriot
• The Write/The Rewrite/The Threewrite
• Cafe Girl
• Her Schlag

I was listening to the new hit by the popular Rhythm and Blues artist Jennifer Lopez, and it is apparently featuring a mister “Fabolous”(sic?). Now, this mister Fabolous appears to be very good at math because he is constantly raising variables to various powers, for example “J to the lo” and “F to the a b”.

Now, I am no mathematician, so I can only assume that these are various complex numbers, but I would like to applaud mr. Fabolous’s idea of introducing mathematics in songs and commend ms. Lopez for teaching our kids proper values with her songs. If only more songwriters chose this road and educated people while entertaining them, the world would be a much better place.

Another band I would like to congratulate are Iron Maiden (whom, incidentally, I am going to see live at their concert next week) for their contribution to the teaching of history the world over. Such legendary tracks as “Quest for Fire“, “Powerslave“ and, more importantly, “Alexander the Great“ (to name a few) retrace with vividity and, above all, historical accuracy the steps of man throughout the ages. Who, today, would remember Alexander the Great, arguably the biggest conqueror of all time (and certainly the biggest Greek conqueror) were it not for Iron Maiden? One thing saddens me though, and that is that Iron Maiden refuse to play this song in their concerts. An ingrate and a dimwit might even think they don’t know the lyrics, but they would both be wrong.

Of course, I would be lacking if I left the great Rammstein out of this list. With their amazing album “Reise, Reise“ they teach both young and old how much fun geography can be. Each track in the magnificence that is “Reise, Reise“ travels us to a different country of the world and introduces us to its culture and customs. An interesting listen, to say the least.

This concludes today’s update. More on the Iron Maiden concert as soon as I actually go to it.

This has been a long time in coming, but I wanted to wait until I did a BIL about this particular artist.

I first encountered him through a video for “Wonderful (It’s Superman)” on Much Music. The song is a really peppy up-beat tune, perfect for driving.

I sing you this song, so you can see
Whatever became of me
This summer I will wait under your cherry tree
Just to hear wonderful from you

His single “Stutter” got a fair amount of airtime on the Edge (Toronto radio station). I sort of filed his name in the back of my mind for a couple years, until I saw a poster for a show he was playing in Waterloo. I called up a friend and we went to Bomber to see him play.

Little did I know that those two singles would only scratch the surface on my love for the musical stylings of

Andy Stochansky

While 5 star Motel wasn’t Andy’s first released album, it was the first one I was exposed to. That night he played most of his songs from the album, as well as some other song from previous recordings. The thing that struck me about Andy the first time was the sheer honesty that dripped from every line. These words MEANT something to him. The other thing that I liked about Andy was his voice, a sort of worn-in-jeans soulful croon that fits his musical style like a cup in a saucer.

I got another chance to see him play in the SLC in November. He and Les (his guitarist – really cool guy who kinda looks like Gord Downie) played some semi-unplugged stuff in the afternoon. One of his songs (“Here Nor There”) was apparently on Felicity, so if you watch that show you might have heard him. I was really jazzed to hear that he was releasing another album soon, and that he would be coming back to Waterloo.

So when Andy found himself in Waterloo again, I found myself standing in the middle of a seated crowd singing at the top of my lungs along to “Wonderful”. Most of the material in the show came from the upcoming album 100, including the first single “Shine”. Whereas 5 star Motel was a bit more romantic and quiet, 100 appears to be a more well-rounded blend of moods. Some happy, some hard, some quiet (including a song reacting to rock super-stars and their boyish mentality), all AMAZING. He closed out the set with a few old favourites, including a rocked-up version of Fly which saw a somewhat impromptu drum solo by Andy. It was a really fun show.

The one bone I have to pick with Andy is that nobody I know has a CLUE who he is. So… I went to the show alone. However, as soon as he hit the stage, Andy made everyone feel as though we weren’t watching him on a stage, but hanging out getting drunk in his basement and jamming. I half-expected him to pull someone out of the audience and hand them a guitar.

I HAVE to throw a line or two to the opening band

Turn Off the Stars

A Toronto 4-piece still in the shallow end of the fame pool. I have been to a few live shows, but I have NEVER seen a group sound so polished on stage. Their effects and musical blends were tight as all get-out. It’s a little difficult to classify TOTS, but the closest comparison I can make is to Our Lady Peace, especially the stuff on Happiness (except One Man Army, which everyone hates). TOTS is touring with Andy across the country, so if you’re living in London or Toronto or points west of Waterloo, make sure to check out the website to see when Andy and TOTS are in your town.

Also! March 29th, 100 is in stores. I will be getting my grubby mitts on a copy as soon as I can.

Andy Stochansky Songs to Check Out

- 22 Steps
- Wonderful (It’s Superman)
- One Day
- Paris
- Miss USA

It’s been long overdue (I know some of you are still waiting on that Cake album review for Pressure Chief – I’m not doing it), but here is the second installment of…

This week I’ll be talking about Winnepeg’s own The Weakerthans

I first heard The Weakerthans when I saw the video for “Our Retired Explorer” on Much Music. If you haven’t seen it, it’s worth a look. A guy lives underground in the Antarctic. The song is great to listen to as well. Many of you may be more familiar with their most recent single “The Reasons”:

I don’t know how to sing
I can barely play this thing
But you never seem to mind
And you tell me to back off

The single was released this past summer to great accolade among pseudo-intellectuals (read: music snobs) but pretty much ignored by mainstream media.

The Weakerthans are one of my favourites for two main reasons

The Reasons

1 – Lyrics
Okay, for all you cynics out there who think that Canadians have butchered the art of song-writing, put down the Avril Lavigne, put down the Nickelback, put down the Sum 41… you can pick up Celine Dion but only if you drop her off of something very tall into something very fattening. John Sampson of the Weakerthans might be the best lyricist I have ever come across (and he can SING too, so in your face Leonard Cohen!). The two words that immediately spring to mind when trying to describe Sampson’s style are ‘organic’ and ‘honest’. For a prime example of what I mean, check out “My Favourite Chords” or “Reconstruction Site”. All of the metaphors and similes and anecdotes are seemingly drawn from personal experience, and are so in tune with the small-town Canadian heart that I wonder if Gord Downie doesn’t shed a tear to hear them.

2 – Relative Obscurity
One thing I look for in a band is that they’re not incredibly popular. This may make me a music snob (read: stupid prick), but I think a certain level of poverty keeps a band honest. If you don’t believe me, look at bands like Weezer and Metallica that had HUGE fan bases until they got rich, alienating the fans that filled their pockets. There is a flipside to this though, because I have seen the bands that the hardcore music snobs listen to, and they suck. Yeah that’s right Bombs Over Providence, I saw you open for Flashlight Brown at the 360 and you guys suck. Hmm, imagine seeing System of a Down, except instead of hard-hitting, insightful lyrics, they’ve used a dart board and a dictionary, and instead of killer guitar riffs and bass lines, they’ve used a tenderizing mallet and an electric ukelele. That’s Bombs‘ live show. But we’re not talking about them.

The Weakerthans are obscure enough that I still get the satisfaction of knowing I can still impress my friends with them, but not so obscure that I can’t meet at least one cute girl at a party who’s got a copy of Fallow in her CD rotation and would I like to come back to her place to have a listen. The only thing that makes me sad is that they’re not so popular that they get to headline shows, and have to open for lesser bands.


Anyways, suffice it to say, The Weakerthans are a certified Crommunist pick. This isn’t head-banging like Muse or tear-jerking like… well… Muse. More toe-tappin’ like Cake, but without the American roots. If you’re looking for some tracks by which to judge them, here are a few suggestions:

- My Favourite Chords
- Manifest
- A plea from a cat named Virtue
- Leash
- Fallow
- Sounds Familiar


Stay tuned, hopefully something funny will happen and I can write about it. Until such an occurrence, I’ll keep writing these.