Porocrom’s Crappaper

Dear Porocrom readers… After a year or so of not posting, I am again… Well… Posting. This time, though, it is not to bring you our pure comedic genius. The tidings now are bad, sadly. Porocrom, the blog you all know and love, has come to an impasse. It is with great sadness that I must announce to you the grim future of Porocrom, brought upon it by the sheer atrocities committed by Crommunist and me (mostly Crommunist though).

I shall explain what I mean immediately. For quite a few months, we had installed Akismet, which is a plugin to catch blog comment spam. In our doing so, we have committed a most heinous of crimes, that of depriving our readers of, umm, stuff they might want. As Crommunist notified me today, Akismet has been blocking very very useful comments which could raise the quality of life of our readers. In an effort to exonerate ourselves, we would like to present to you, though belated, some of these comments.

hip hop videos uncut
hairypussy free uncut latino hairy cops

How could we have not seen this? How could we allow this comment to fall into the oblivion of the spam trap? There are not enough hairy cops in hip-hop videos as it is! (Well, except that Sasquatch 5-0 clip). Who would not want to see latino hairy cops? Our only recourse is to post this now and hope not to get sued by the latino hairy cop syndicate for excluding them from uncut hip hop videos. So, next time you watch a hairy cop video and there are no latino hairy cops in it, you will know that it was our fault, but we deeply, deeply regret it.

Cortislim Loss Pill Weight
Thanks for the author! This site realy helps me. Hold it on!
My site is about {DATA:name}

We would like to thank this anonymous poster for her feedback. Anonymous poster, I have personally visited your site, and I must say that {DATA:name} is indeed a very interesting topic. I hope you hold it on as we hold ours on. In fact, I’ve been holding mine on for so long that it’s starting to get limp. On a related note, we think that the Cortislim Loss Pill Weight could do wonders for our readers. I have my pills set on my counter, and whenever the wind blows they get scattered all over the place. A Pill Weight would be a great idea, and I think Cortislim Loss is the Pill Weight for me! I would urge all our readers to head over to Anonymous’ site (the URL of which she doesn’t mention, but do a Google search for {DATA:name} and it’s sure to come up first) and order all the Pill Weights you need.

oak secretary reproduction
secretary stockings professional secretaries association blonde secretary

Have you always wanted an original oak secretary but you were never able to afford one? Well, this site promises to make you happy by delivering oak secretary reproductions! Forget the artificially inflated prices of original oak secretaries, these secretaries are reproduced from 100% oak, following the style of the original artist closely. Of course, when you buy a reproduction, customization is a must. If you don’t like the original artist’s work, you can modify it to fit your tastes. You apparently have a choice of stockings, whether or not your secretary will be a professional in the secretaries association, or blonde! Really, what more could one want from their oak secretary reproductions?

horse sucking
horse wallpaper jungle animals aluminum horse trailers

If you’re anything like me, the only horses you’ve seen are on the racetrack, and those motherfuckers rock, they run like hell. I’ve never seen a horse limping or going rather slowly, so this site is perfect for me. If you want to see horses that suck, this site has everything. Pictures, videos, even fan fiction about sucky horses. There are wallpapers, jungle animals, and you can also order your own high-quality aluminum horse trailers! Run, don’t click, run there now.

free tit thumbnails
firm boobs jennifer love hewitt breast site cheryl ladd breasts

Are you tired of full pictures of constrained tits? Well, this site offers you thumbnails of free tits. End the oligarchy of bras now, visit this site for free tit thumbnails. Everyone likes firm boobs, Jennifer Love Hewitt is awesome, Cheryl Ladd is sufficiently unknown, this site is everything a thinking man could want.

Well, that’s all for now. We hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive us for having withheld this information for so long. If there are any more superb bargains in our comments we will be sure to show them to you!

I’ve wanted to do a BIL on this band, but they’ve only produced two albums, so I feel it might be a bit premature. Instead, I’m going to review their latest album.

Billy Talent: Billy Talent II

This album was released in June of 2006, the long-anticipated sequel to 2003’s Billy Talent.

Track Listing

1. Devil in a Midnight Mass (released as a single)

• Relative rating: 3/13
• Star rating:

“Devil in a midnight mass, he preyed behind stained glass/A memory of Sunday class resurrected from the past.”

This first offering from this album (to both the album owner and the radio listener) shows a darker side to the band that wasn’t fully explored on their first album. The song is an obvious reference to the many recent cases of child abuse perpetrated by priests in the Catholic church. Musically this is a hard-rockin’ song that really doesn’t give the listener any breaks, a somewhat fitting motif considering the subject matter of the song.

2. Red Flag (released as a single)

• Relative rating: 1/13
• Star rating:

“Cast off the crutch that kills the pain, the red flag waving never meant the same/The kids of tomorrow don’t need today when they live in the sins of yesterday”

I’m really not sure how I feel about this song. It’s definitely my least favourite from the album: rather simplistic and almost Sum41-esque in its style. The lyrics aren’t bad, but it strikes me a bit too much like a Linkin Park or Simple Plan attempt to resonate with a marginalized teen audience with bulging pockets. It’s still Billy Talent, and that redeems this song.

3. This Suffering

• Relative rating: 8/13
• Star rating:

“Like a target drawn across my chest, she’s a bullet in Russian roulette”
This song has an almost melancholy feel, despite being a hard-rockin’ face-bangin’ anthem. I really like the echo effects in the first couple lines of each verse. This song begins to scratch the surface of some of the depth that is seen more clearly in subsequent tracks on this album. For this album, it’s a middle-of-the-road type of song, somewhat forgettable, but it’s still a great song on its own.

4. Worker Bees

• Relative rating: 12/13
• Star rating:

“We take our orders given by the queen, we’re not the killers we’re the worker bees”

Wow… that’s all I can say listening to this song. The metaphor contained in this song is one of the best I’ve heard from a punk rock band, a genre dominated (in my experience) by overbearing symbolism. This song is definitely the most intelligent on the album, as it takes a song that sounds like a war anthem and overlays a strong anti-war satirical portrayal of grunt soldiers as worker bees. I hope Bush plays this one for the troops… If you have ANY opinion on the U.S. involvement in the middle-east, give this song a listen.

5. Pins and Needles

• Relative rating: 13/13
• Star rating

“Never understood how she could mean so little to so many, why does she mean everything to me?”

This has quickly become one of my favourite songs of all time. If we can ignore the lyrics for just a moment, this song is the most musically poignant and powerful song on this album. The guitar line that runs behind this track gives it a certain level of sophistication, but it’s the tune that makes this song stand out the most. Deeply passionate and emotionally raw, this track is easily the standard by which all other Billy Talent can be judged. Have a listen and see if you agree. The only bone I have to pick with this song is that it is TOO SHORT. I have to listen to it 2 or 3 times before I am satisfied.

6. Fallen Leaves (released as single)

• Relative rating: 9/13
• Star rating:

“In a crooked little town they were lost and never found, fallen leaves on the ground”

Again, because this is such a great album, some of the middling songs are easily overlooked. This song, like most of the others on this album, discusses a serious social topic. In this case, drug use and addiction in urban youth. There’s really nothing particular to SAY about this song… except that it is also good.

7. Where is the Line?

• Relative rating: 2/13
• Star rating:

“Urban Hipster, the new gangster… fronting by the club/New wave mannequins packing haircuts, instead of packing guns”

It’s about friggin’ TIME those hipsters drew some ire from the mainstream. If you don’t know what a hipster is, go read http://www.catandgirl.com. This is a biting rebuke to anyone who has snobbed someone over not having the right shoes or listening to the wrong music. Not one of my favourites musically, but still a great song lyrically.

8. Covered in Cowardice

• Relative rating: 6/13
• Star rating:

“Twisted tongues will place you in their category. Face to face you’ll hear them tell a different story”

Yet another legitimately good but overshadowed song on this album. These relative ratings are difficult to do on an album like this, because even the worst song on this album is a decent song on its own. This song is an attack of hypocrisy, admonishing the listener to “beware the voice without a face”. This song shows a decent amount of musical contrast, and the lyrics are tight.

9. Surrender

• Relative Rating: 4/13
• Star rating:

“She reads a book from across the street, waiting for someone she’ll never meet. Talk over coffee for an hour or two, wonders why I’m always in a good mood”

I never really got into this song. It’s another melancholy ballad-type, but it doesn’t resonate as strongly with me as Pins and Needles. Lyrically and musically somewhat straightforward, this song just doesn’t stand out for me compared to the rest of this album.

10. The Navy Song

• Relative Rating: 11/13
• Star Rating:

“Time, rolling along with the waves a thousand miles away, holding you close in the rain, seems just like yesterday…”

This song is commonly mislabeled as ‘In the Fall’ but it’s actually called ‘The Navy Song’. I’ll give you all a second to go change your downloaded mp3s… okay done? Good.

This song is somewhat related to ‘Worker Bees’ except without the metaphor. The song is sung from the point of view of a navy recruit, shipping out for the first time. It’s a tragic song, but powerful and well-written. The band has managed once again to take a hard-rock approach to a song and temper it with underlying softness that sets up a great contrast and makes for a good song.

11. Perfect World

• Relative Rating: 5/13
• Star Rating:

“All we shared was a mattress and a lie and an address…”

I guess every album needs a ‘I’m glad we broke up’ song. It’s not the greatest song on the record, really straightforward and forgettable. Once again there isn’t a whole lot to say about this track… except that nobody should use “Control Alt Deleted” as a song lyric.

12. Sympathy

• Relative Rating: 7/13
• Star Rating:

“A slap in the face, and I can’t erase these things that you say, don’t make it all okay it’s not okay”

Despite its lower rating, this is actually a decent song. The content is innovative: a request that a person not be overly sympathetic. Maybe it’s only because I agree with the subject matter that I like this song, but it’s a pretty decent track. Apparently this song was written about Stephen Harper. Way to stick it to that helmet-haired weirdo.

13. Burn the Evidence

• Relative Rating: 10/13
• Star Rating:

“In a garage beside a house there is a luxury sedan, and for his next monthly installment he’s gonna go out with a bang…”

Out of all the songs on the album, this is probably the best to end it with. It’s a strong offering that alternates between a softer side and a very fast-paced, hard and edgy sound. This song, surprisingly, talks about the pain of forced retirement and depression in the newly-unemployed. I’ve seen bands discuss subjects relevant to groups younger than themselves, but rarely have I ever seen songs written for older people.

Overall impression

I’ve used the term ‘album’ a few times in this review, and I feel like I am not being accurate: this is really a collection of songs. There’s not really a unifying theme or any attempt to create mood or feeling in the song mixture. It’s really more accurate to call this a record rather than an album.

The album is actually very aptly titled. Billy Talent II seems like the other half of Billy Talent. The two albums complement each other quite well, and are idiomatically very similar. Without being repetitive, the second album almost seems like a continuation of the first. One thing you will notice that is strikingly different is that Ben Kowalewicz doesn’t scream as much. Instead of using it as the focus of songs (i.e. ‘Line and Sinker’) it is now used sparingly as an effect to add intensity. Another thing even casual listeners will notice is that there is a lot more depth to these songs. They show internal contrast and thematic changes. That being said, there’s not a lot of differences between each song (at least musically speaking). The middle songs are essentially interchangable to the casual listener, as most use the same guitar effects and musical arc.

Overall, this is a collection of good songs. Nothing on this album scores below a 3 out of 5, and a number of them score 4.5 or 5. The band has shown its willingness to develop its sound, and I hope that translates into a more album-like album.

I give this album 3.5 out of 5 stars.

To buy or not to buy?

This is an album worth having almost for the art alone. If you liked Billy Talent (the first album) you should go out and buy this album. It’s got everything you liked about the first one, with some more mature touches and great songs. If you haven’t heard the first album, you should go buy this album. Billy Talent is a great band, and this is a great bunch of songs by them. If you didn’t like the first album, then this one is probably not for you. I’m glad I bought it… even though I lost it shortly afterwards

Sacrilege Alert
If you aren’t mature enough to realize that all forms of organized religion are inherently hilarious, then you should probably not read this post. I know you’re going to ANYWAY, because fundamentalists are too stupid to read disclaimers… or regulate their bowel movements (yes, I wrote a poo joke).

Despite countless (read: 2) attempts to get Poromenos to pen (read: key) a post about religious/public holidays (read: Mr. Callaghan, I had sex with your daughter and took pictures), he has refused to do so. And so it is upon me once more to bring you Porocrom’s interpretation of…

The Easter Story

From what I could research, while getting really baked and flipping through Easter specials on daytime TV, the Easter celebration is based upon the Pagan festival of Eoster, a fertility and rebirth festival. It is during this time that Christians celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, who in the spirit of killer rock bands everywhere, did a wicked encore by coming back from the dead. To honor this feat, rockers everywhere still bear his trademark hairstyle.

The story goes something like this. Jesus was chillin’ at the crib with his homies (Peter, Paul, Mary, Simon… Judas was there… some short bearded guy named Gimli I think… anyway there were like 13 of them until they convinced Bilbo to be the burglar) when he was like “Hey, it’s passover. Let’s go into town and like, eat some stuff.” Biblical scholars have cleaned up the ancient Aramaic language so now it says “Blessed are the breadmakers, for they are 30% off with in-store coupon.”

And they went to town and ate supper, posed for the now-famous painting, and had a generally wild time. At the end of dinner, Jesus (in a particularly fanciful mood) took some bread and passed it around and said to everyone “This is my body you eat.” I can only assume he said this after they ate the bread because I don’t care when in history it is, that’s pretty gross. Then, as a great followup gag, he pronounced the wine to be his blood, proving once and for all that Jesus is an ancient ancestor of the Kool-Aid man.

They went out to the garden to take a nap, when the cops showed up and busted up the Brokeback Mount of Olives reunion tour. Peter cut off some dude’s ear, proving once and for all that Mike Tyson is a biblical scholar. They took Jesus and interviewed him, but because he was lousy at producing sound-bytes, they decided to kill him in the most humane way possible: nailing him to a big fucking plank of wood.

Luckily for our hero, he was able to get his daddy to pull his ass out of trouble, proving once and for all that George W. Bush is a true Christian (or Satan incarnate, our scientologists are working round the clock…). Everyone was really bummed out, except for Caiaphas the high priest and Annus, his father in law, who are quoted in a recently discovered manuscript (the gospel according to Porocrom) thusly:

Caiaphas: OMG, we r soo kewl
Annus: LOLZ0R ^_
Caiaphas: ROFL @U
Annus: WTF?
Caiaphas: UR name iz anus, f4gz0r
Annus: STFU

But as we all know, Jesus, like disco, refused to stay dead. He rose from the grave, which was considered to be a good move by everyone except the funeral home who had to refund the disciples’ money. He then made a covenant with all mankind in perpetuity: he swore to come down the chimney every Easter and bring chocolate eggs to all the good boys and girls of the world. And to the bad boys and girls, eternal damnation.

So if you have been good this year, expect a big chocolate surprise underneath the Easter tree (if you are a dog owner, make sure it is not steaming before you eat it) (yes, two poo jokes in one post). If you have been a bad boy, go to church and confess your sins to a guy in a big dress. If you’ve been a bad girl, go to my room and await a spunking… I mean spanking… no I don’t.

Joyeux paque, tout le monde.

My life must be pretty uninteresting these days, because I am posting another installment of…

This edition focuses on yet another rapper. I realize that technically he isn’t a BAND, but he might as well be. This is an artist that was also referred to me by Ken, who is way more up on the hip-hop scene than I am. This is a guy who is often referred to as a ‘triple-threat’ for his skills as an MC, a DJ and a producer. I’ve never heard anyone rhyme quite like…

Scram Jones

Listening to Scram is almost like listening to a standup comedian mixed with Dr. Seuss… mixed with the streets of New York. According to interviews, he’s been mixing since he was 15, and pretty much involved in every part of the underground he could get into since then. It’s interesting to hear about a white guy making it big in an industry that is essentially 100% black (except the lawyers), but what is even more interesting is that he does it better than 99% of these so-called ganstas from the hoods of various cities. I’ve never heard any of the top 10-selling artists spit with the same level of artfullness as Scram (with special exception being made for Kanye West).

There’s something almost playful about the way that Scram raps. I’ve never heard anyone else (in rap or outside of rap) put this kind of a spin on rhyming. It’s not something that can be adequately conveyed in text alone, but I’m going to try. This is a cut from his track “Change Ya Rosta”

I almost lost my 20/20 drinking 20/20, The kind of kid that they would talk about on 20/20 Take the rims off of a Jeep, I got 20 20s, Sell ‘em for 400 apiece, just give me 20 20s. … Y’all don’t know the shit you’re in I’ll leave you in a pool of of piss now you’re in urine And you can’t get out ‘cause once you’re in, you’re in Now you wanna spaz out like (Yrrrin! Yrrrin!)

Again, it’s not something that can really be conveyed through reading it, but I swear, this guy’s unbelievable. He’s got these incredible one-liners that clearly show off both his comedic genius for even coming up with these things, but his artistic genius as well for fitting them into a rhyme. In fact, those of you who know me well know I love making outrageous analogies or similies… I got it from Scram. Some of my favourites are:

“Two bitches gave me mono, now I’ve got stereo”
“I tried to become a vegetarian but it was hard to stop cold turkey”
“My flow is like lard, PHAT. While your style’s on a diet with no carbs”
“Yeah your rhyme’s the shit… why? ‘cause it’s crap”
“I used to ride with no hands on the handlebars/now my hand’s on the mike, watch me handle bars”

The list goes on, and Scram fans will undoubtedly say “What about this one?” but you get the idea. If you are a hip-hop fan AT ALL… at all at all at all… check out Scram Jones. He’s a bit undeground, so it may be a little difficult to get your hands on the goods. If you’re Jonesin’ really bad, e-mail me and I’ll see what I can do.

Tracks to Check Out

- Back to Back (f. Rob Swift & X-cutioners) – Air it Out (f. Jack Venom) – Heavy Metal (f. Kool G. Rap) – 3’s Company (f. Swigga & Eddie Brock) – Line Up (f. Styles P.) – Change Ya Rosta – Liquid Heat

Seriously… check this guy out!

I was blissfully sleeping, when the doorbell rang. I wake up and look at the clock, it was 11 am (I had slept at 6, so normal wake-up time was at 2). Cursing my luck, I stumble down the stairs, in my pajamas, still half-asleep. Wondering who could it be at this early hour (and still the doorbell was ringing), I open the door window (my door has a rather large window in its middle, so you don’t have to open the entire door) and I see this Albanian dude, about 40 years old, looking at me.

“Hello”, he says, with a distinctly Albanian accent. “What the fuck do you want”, I say, only to realise that I had thought of it, and not actually said it, so I go “yes?”. “I would like to know how much my Christmas bonus should be”, he says. I look at him for a few seconds while I try to figure out if I’m still dreaming, when I decide that no, I could never make this stuff up.

“What?” I ask. “I would like to know how much my Christmas bonus should be”, he repeats. “Yes, I heard that, I don’t know how much it should be” I say. Really, what do I look like, an accountant? That did not seem to stop him, though.

“They said I had to go to the 2nd floor to ask”, he says, pointing at the internal stairway in my house, which was visible from the door. “Maybe I should go up there?”
“Oh like hell you’re going up there”, I think, but wanting to maintain the already high level of the conversation, I say “no”.
“I want to know how much my Christmas bonus should be, can you help me?”
At this point a thought crosses my mind. “Noone can be this stupid”, I think. “It’s something else he wants. He probably wants to stab me and rob my house. Why did he do this at 11 am? Why not 11 pm?”. I also realised at that point that the key was on the door (on the inside, but easily reachable) and that I didn’t have my knife with me, so I could only defend myself with melee combat if he decided to pull any tricks.

I look at him suspiciously.

He looks at me stupidly.

“Is there a superlisor (sic) here?”
“A what?”
“A superlisor.”
“No, there’s noone here.”

Seriously. You ring a doorbell, someone in their pajamas that obviously just woke up answers, you look inside, it looks like a house, with tables, couches, a kitchen, the works. How the hell could it have a supervisor?

“So you can’t tell me how much my Christmas bonus is?”
“No, sorry.”
“I have been working for six months, how much should I get?”
“I can’t help you, sorry.” (= Who gives a fuck?!)
“Oh, okay, bye.”
“Bye.”

At this point he leaves, but I watch him from the window blinds. He walks down the stairs and talks to my neighbour who was downstairs. I hear him say “No, the NEXT street.” My neighbour had told him to ask at 2nd floor of the insurance office which is on the next road, and this retard came up to my house.

I wish I was making this stuff up.