Porocrom’s Crappaper

This is one of the rare moments when Porocrom’s powers will be used for good instead of awesome.

The Ontario provincial government is once again planning on raising tuition fees. I didn’t think it was real either, so check out this link:

I know many of you don’t think you care, but remember that this is the same provincial party that has broken promises on the environment, on health care, and on personal taxes. Do we want to end up like the US where all of our politicians are allowed to be assholes with no accountability? I hope the answer is ‘no’.

I sent an e-mail to the Waterloo MP, and will follow up tomorrow with a phone call. I’m BEGGING anyone who lives in Ontario to call your MP and protest this move. If you don’t know how to reach your MP, here is a listing. If you’re from Waterloo, here is Elizabeth Whitmer‘s page.

This is a challenge to everyone: show the people who decide our futures that we are NOT passive recipients of every piece of shit they decide to send down our way. Read about what this will mean to you. This is about more than money people, this is about political accountability, and the fact that politicians think that you don’t matter.

Recently I have been told that if I gave a monkey a typewriter he would write better than me, and that gave me an idea. Why don’t I give a monkey a typewriter? I had a laptop instead of a typewriter and I searched everywhere for a monkey but I couldn’t find one, so I did the next best thing. I fed a markov chain generator program all my previous posts and watched as it generated pieces of brilliance. A sample of its work follows, edited for clarity.

Having fruitlessly tried to lick a frozen signpost when she was 18, and I smell like roses anyway. That was sheer genius though. Bored. Another mediocre post (Oh well, maybe we’ll get a ThreeOrMoresome going). After a while, they finished their gig and it was not the brightest bulb in the untimely death of 3,198 slaves in Speicherstufler’s possession. Speicherstufler, after realising that he is one great tree though, I went back and hit them while they’re there. The movie’s pace begins to pick up when they speak Spanish. In Spain, they speak Norwegian. In Norway (who would go like this) Crom: Ugh Three Dumb Men: Whatever C: What the fuck! I went to the other part where Vincent hops onto the train, James Bond-style and kicks everyone’s ass on there too. The power in the store was one of the man had no choice in the nuts. She looks mean.

What the hell do you think should be done about our country’s educational system? AC(Aaron Campbell): Hello John, it’s good fun anyway. What is it, girls, do you remember how in that order. As soon as I know, which, admittedly, is not the brightest bulb in the fucking lyrics, it’s not worth the $700 you have time. Omg teh drivar is going through, and they’re all like “boo, take the radio which emits static whenever zombies are near (either zombies emit electromagnetic waves or the oral cavity)”. I am writing this or killing the owner while they’re there. The movie’s pace begins to pick it up, but he also thought, hoping that One-eye Jimmy had been oozing little brown shitties ever since, which led me to remember than for you to know. My cunning wit and the other woman with a girl you like, but you have a headache. No you don’t. If you can’t explain something, or “Trust me, I know this because two of my predicament”. At least we say bye or something and this is a giant Tarantula spider (we’ll call him Jichael Mackson).

The creators of Star Trek, Star Wars, ADnD and the Statue of Liberty also has its standards, deal with us, we were blowing some random dog. A friend of mine, though, had the very very lucky my laptop battery wasn’t dead.

Well, there goes my immersion. Of course, using the long piece of wood with nails on one end that I have always thought they came where they throw you off a cliff you think “I really should have talked to her.” or when you can follow to cut down on the phone bill. I have a chick whom you just met in your bed. This makes her mad because it had the great Rammstein out of another category, shut up. You’re wrong.

Having fruitlessly tried to get laid, we got a new paragraph after only two lines of text. This movie featured some great acting, such as “They Don’t Care About Us” to protest the racism of the hardest for me to cogitate about the “desperate lay”. In this quest they meet many a viewer has died from it. If you think I will share with you people? (There were, of course, she’s hot). Warning: You should clean the pot and stuff RIGHT AWAY, otherwise, much like cows looking at me, call me at ilovestrippers@microsoft.com. There is no such gift and gave it to soften the cream. I hope I have ADD. Panties.

This text was about 0.1% of what the program generated, and I think it is safe to say that I couldn’t write such ingenious pieces even if I were on crack. From now on I’ll leave the program to do all the posting and retire in the deepest recesses of my cave. If you liked this post comment on it, and I will consider posting some more of this ingenuity at a later time.

For quite a few years I had seen absolutely no insects of any kind in my house. After my retinal restoration surgery I got my sight back, and yesterday I saw two cockroaches. I casually vacuumed them up and proceeded to do what I normally do, but they climbed out of the vacuum cleaner so I did it again and this time vacuumed a flaming ball of cotton doused with petrol and a cat and the problem is gone (at least I think it is, I haven’t seen them since). Just as I thought I was safe from insects for another four years, here comes a millipede. Millipedes are nasty. They trick you with their slow speed, and just as you’re thinking “I’ll just run downstairs and get the vacuum”, bam they disappear! That’s what happened to me. The bastard is somewhere around here right now. Luckily, I can touch type so I can write this and scan for it at the same time. By the way, the secret to getting lots of chicks is ri sct kuikw iyu very ksuf SOO yje rune.

I think that bugs are plotting to take over the world. That is the only reasonable explanation I can come up with. Why else would I see three insects in my house on the same two days? I’m telling you, they’re up to something. Imagine what the world would be like if insects were running it:

• The sewer system would be converted from the barren, shit-filled wasteland that it is now into malls and stores where bugs could go and enjoy themselves. They would much prefer the sewer to the clean human alternative, obviously.
• The sun would be outlawed and promptly destroyed.
• Laws would require that birds be killed on sight.
• There would be huge people farms where people would be bred and produced a pound of crap each daily, for insects to eat. Cow manure would be an option but only for the poorer insects.
• Houses wouldn’t have any corners and would be full of cold, damp holes.

I can tell you though, that’ll never happen. You can take my word for it, it’ll be a cold day in hell before insects rule over humans, and I know that not because of some arcane soothsayery, but with common sense. For example, which of you would want to have sex with a bug? I know I wouldn’t. Simple things like these is what will make it impossible for bugs to rule over the earth. As another example, imagine a debate between two candidates for presidency, one of which is a giant Tarantula spider (we’ll call him Jichael Mackson).

DM(Debate Moderator, also Dungeon Master if you’re a nerd): Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the 2044 presidential candidate’s debate. To the right of the stage is Nebraska Senator Aaron Campbell representing the Democratic party. Welcome, senator.
AC(Aaron Campbell): Hello John, it’s good to be here.
DM(Debate Moderator, also Dungeon Master if you’re a nerd): To the left of the stage is political newcomer Jichael Mackson.
JM(Jichael Mackson): Crrrrrrrrrrr.
DM(Debate Moderator, also Dungeon Master if you’re a nerd): Well said. I would like to begin with you, Senator Campbell. What do you think should be done about our country’s educational system?
AC(Aaron Campbell): Gives some bullshit answer.
DM(Debate Moderator, also Dungeon Master if you’re a nerd): Ah, right. What do you think about that, mr. Mackson?
JM(Jichael Mackson): Bites the senator’s head off, wraps the body in a cocoon and takes it home for the kids.
DM(Debate Moderator, also Dungeon Master if you’re a nerd): Hmm, this debate seems to be over, and I know who I’m voting for. Thank you all for watching, have a good night.

Another reason for which bugs will never take over the earth is that they’re just too damn flimsy. Step on them once, and they die. I mean, seriously, even rocks are better than that, and all that rocks do is sit around all day doing nothing. If someone’s going to take over the planet, my money is on rocks. Those sly sons of bitches, just when you think they’re harmless, bam landslide! Beware the rocks, I tell you.

A few monts ago I went to some concerts, and I promised you pictures and videos. Well, here they are. This is a BitTorrent file, to download it you need a client such as Azureus (user guide here). Then, you have to download this torrent file and open it with your client, and it will start downloading. It is 700 MB and my bandwidth sucks, so please please please leave the file open after it’s done so that other people can download from you. The file includes 65 7.2 MPEL pictures and 13 MPEG videos of Scorpions, Dio, Twisted Sister, Anthrax and Katatonia.

Update: The torrent is going down. There is currently one more leecher on it and as soon as he finishes I will stop seeding. Noone is helping me and I have uploaded about 6 GB on a 128 kbit connection. The tracker is going to be up for a week, in which time if there are no seeders I will close that too.

Yesterday, Porocrom turned an astounding one year old. This lofty accomplishment vaulted the site into the vaunted “Lasted Longer than the Macarena” club. At this time, Poromenos and I would like to take you back over the many exciting events that have taken place over the past year, as we look at…

Porocrom, a Year in Review

August 19th, 2004: Porocrom’s Crappaper is launched as a reaction to every “My lonely existence in the shadow of life” weblog in the world. This inauspicious does not go unnoticed by the scientific community; global awesomeness monitoring stations report sharp peaks on their instruments.

August 24th: Isolated women around the world report spontaneous pregnancy after reading Porocrom. Crommunist denies any connection, but does so with a smirk on his face. Poromenos marries first wife, Daniela Urzi.

August 26th: Poromenos and Urzi divorce. A lawyer for Urzi says “my client found herself unable to stop orgasming, which made her modeling career quite difficult.” Urzi family devastated.

September 16th: Representatives for Black Sabbath, Metallica, Iron Maiden, Dio, Scorpions, Smashing Pumpkins and the Backstreet Boys release statements claiming that Crommunist actually wrote all of their best songs by rocking so hard that he travelled back in time. Crommunist neither confirms nor denies most of the claims, but vehemently denies any involvement with “those no-shirted nancy boy-band spawn”.

September 17th: Poromenos and new wife Elisha Cuthbert seen mid-coitus in the Throne Room of Buckingham Palace. An unrepentant Poromenos is knighted later that day.

September 24th: Poromenos and Cuthbert divorce. Cuthbert releases the following statement: Poromenos is so potent that I am currently pregnant with 3 children, each 2 years apart.” Cuthbert family overwhelmed.

October 1st: Unbeknownst to the rest of the planet, Poromenos and Crommunist manage to stave off an alien invasion force by playing Bjork at high volume over subspace frequencies. In the language of the planet Bjork comes from (Ysslhaund VII), the music actually says “go away, there are no good nutrients here”.

October 31st: Hallowe’en! Everyone gets candy.

November 1st: Poromenos and Crommunist take well-deserved break from carefully monitoring world politics.

November 2nd: George W. Bush re-elected to United States Presidency.

Novermber 3rd: Poromenos and Crommunist release the following statement: “It is abundantly clear that the world cannot do without our constant vigilance. We vow to never let anything like this happen again.”

November 20th: Poromenos and Crommunist nominated for: Academy Awards, Golden Globes, Nobel Prize, Booker Prize, Pulitzer Prize, Purple Heart, Green Clover, Red Balloon, Iron Cross, and the presidency of Burundi. On hand to receive the awards are Crommunist and Poromenos’ new wife Kate Beckinsale. Poromenos was unable to receive award due to being tired out from long night with Lori Loughlin and Kathleen Robertson.

November 30th: Poromenos and Beckinsale divorce. Beckinsale family intermittent.

December 24th: Poromenos and Crommunist save Santa Claus from terrorist kidnapping plot. Behind schedule, Claus begs the duo to help him save Christmas. Working through the night, the three manage to deliver presents to all the good little boys and girls of the world. They still have something in their sack for the bad girls of the world… but only those over 18…

January ???, 2005: Due to time-warping effects of Crommunist’s rocking skills, a day in the Western calendar is devoured by a ravenous chronologic beast, which is summarily defeated by Crommunist. The calendar is saved, but all days in it are actually one day ahead, so this post isn’t a day late… trust me.

April 2nd, 2005: Pope John Paul II dies in Vatican. Poromenos and Crommunist deny any responsibility.

April 4th: In secret conference in Vatican catacombs, council of bishops beg Poromenos and Crommunist to ascend the now empty Papal throne. Poromenos refuses vow of celibacy, Crommunist says “I don’t do hats…”.

April 19th: In compromise, Pope Benedict XVI is elected, but Rome changes name to PorocRome.

May 3rd: Poromenos weds new brides Kathy Evison and Jeniffer Love Hewitt in semi-legal Mormon ceremony in Salt Lake City. Poromenos is confident that “This marriage is the one. This will last forever.” Divorce papers are signed before cake is cut. Evison family masticated, Hewitt family deported.

July 1st: Canada Day. Fireworks and Beaver Tails. Who can resist?

July 27th: Beckinsale and Poromenos reconcile after he saves her from ravenous dragon with sword of legends and magic amulet. Beckinsale declares herself more in love than ever. They live happily ever after. Crommunist, as best man, gets drunk at wedding and inadvertantly discovers cure for lupus erythematosus.

It’s been a long and exciting road this past year. We look forward to continuing to provide you with a high quality of entertainment. If you keep reading it, we’ll keep writing it. Thanks to all the Porocrom fans who have been with us since day one… well… day 7 or 8 when we actually started advertising…