Porocrom’s Crappaper

Hi…

I’m that guy.

You don’t know me, but you’d definitely recognize me if you saw me.

I’m the guy who always pukes first at the party and forces his friends to look after him so he doesn’t die.

I’m the guy who starts shit with random guys at bars, just to see the reaction.

I’m checking out your girlfriend, even though I know you guys are still together.

I’m the guy who swoops IN on your girlfriend at the first sign of trouble between the two of you.

I’m the guy standing on the wall by the dance floor waiting for your friend to leave you long enough for me to start anonymously grind on you.

I’m the guy who thinks that if he buys those girls drinks, they will go home and sleep with him, and who will get mad if they don’t.

I’m the guy who keeps feeding that girl drinks until she DOES go home with him, even though I’m aware of the fact that if she was sober, I’d have no chance.

I’m the guy who gets drunk at the classy party/wedding/bar mitzvah/funeral

I’m the guy who cock-blocks his own wingman while the wingman is talking to a really cute girl.

I’m the guy who deserts his wingman when he sees a really cute girl.

I’m the guy who will go/has gone after your little sister.

I’m the guy wearing one Lacoste shirt underneath another Lacoste shirt so I have more than one collar to pop.

I’m the guy who is the first to make racist jokes in mixed company.

I’m the guy who tells his female friend he’s in love with her, then spends the rest of the night trying to pick up random tail.

I’m the guy who sends drunk e-mails late at night that are in NO way appropriate.

I’m the guy who screams ‘WHOOOOO!’ at really inappropriate times.

See, I knew you knew me.

If you have a ‘That Guy’ statement, put it in the comments.

It is time for another life-saving update, dear readers. This time, the dedicated people at Porocrom realized that many people like to travel. It happened in the bathroom, and we also immediately realized that when you travel, there are some phrases you just can’t do without. Much to your satisfaction, we present you a list of the absolute must know of travel phrases. You cannot travel to another country and not know these phrases, period. They are listed in English, German, Mandarin Chinese, Hebrew and Greek (and no, we didn’t use Babelfish). So, here you go (by the way, you’re probably not going to be able to pronounce the Greek phrases, but just remember each letter sounds the way it looks, with a few exceptions. Yes, it’s quite useless):

En: I’m going to be late, but only because a piano fell on me.
Ge: Ich werde ein bisschen spaeter ankommen, aber nur weil ein Klavier an mir gefallen ist.
Ch: Wo hui qi dao, ke si ing way yao ge gong qing diao zai wo sen seng.
He: Ani holech le’acher, aval rak biglal shenafal alay psanter.
Gr: Tha argiso, alla mono epeidi epese pano mou ena piano.

En: Excuse me, could you rub chamomile on my pet bear?
Ge: Entschuldigung, koennen Sie mein Hausbaer mit Kroetertee einrauben?
Ch: Ching wen, ni ke bu ke yi bong wo de shiong muo yao shui?
He: Slach li, tuchal leshafshef kamomil al dov ha’machmad sheli?
Gr: Signomi, mporeite na tripsete xamomili stin arkouda mou?

En: I made a mistake, this train should not have leaves.
Ge: Ich habe ein Fehler gemacht, diese Zug sollte keine Blaetter haben.
Ch: Wo chuo le, ze huo qe bu ing gai yao yie zi.
He: Asiti taut, larakevet hazot lo tzrichim lihiot alim.
Gr: Ekana ena lathos, afto to treno de tha eprepe na exei fila.

En: Look how beautiful the rainbow is! Now I’m hungry.
Ge: Guck mal wie schoen das Regenbogen ist! Jetzt bin ich hungrig.
Ch: Wah! Hong hao piao liang. Wo du e.
He: Tir’e kama yafa ha’keshet be’anan! Achshav ani re’eva.
Gr: Koita poso omorfo einai to ouranio tokso! Tora peinasa.

En: My mother would like me to give you this syphilis.
Ge: Mein mutter moechte, dass ich Sie diese syphillis gebe.
Ch: Wo ma yao wo gei ni ze mei du.
He: Ima sheli rotza she’ani eten lecha et ha agevet hazu.
Gr: I mitera mou tha ithele na sas doso afti ti sifili.

En: Your sister’s odor is most powerful and offensive, please wash her.
Ge: Ihre Schwester’s geruech ist sehr Stark und Beleidingend, bitte waschen sie.
Ch: Ni jie tzo de yao si, ching ni shi ta.
He: Hare’ach shel achotcha chazak me’od, tirchatz ota bevakasha.
Gr: I mirodia tis aderfis sas einai poli dinati kai enoxlitiki. Parakalo plinte tin.

En: Are these your oxen? They have soiled my mittens.
Ge: Sind diese ihre Ochsen? Die haben meine Handschuhen verschmutzt.
Ch: Ze si ni de niao ma? Ta men la tiao shr zai woh so tao seng.
He: Haim ele ha’shvarim shelcha? Hem lichlechu li et hakfafot.
Gr: Einai dika sas afta ta vodia? Lerosan ta gantia mou.

En: I am sorry, I seem to have dropped my catheter in your champagne.
Ge: Entschuldigung, ich denke ich habe aus versehen mein Katheter in ihre Sekt fallen lassen.
Ch: (Left as an exercise for the reader).
He: Ani mitztaer, nir’e she’hepalti et hakateter sheli ba’shampanya shelcha.
Gr: Signomi, nomizo oti eriksa ton kathetira mou sti sampania sas.

A recent critical look at the child’s prayer (you know, the really morbid bedtime prayer that comes from the days when the plague could kill you overnight) sparked my thoughts about what other things we are teaching our children. Is it any wonder they are so messed up when we teach them such BIZARRE shit from an early age? For your consideration…

A Porocrom Look at Nursery Rhymes

The old woman and the shoe

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children, she didn’t know what to do.
She gave them some broth without any bread,
Whipped them all soundly and sent them to bed.

While I am all for teaching our children the realities of the world in which we live, is it really necessary to expose them to the brutality of single motherhood, child abuse and neglect at such a tender age? This woman needs a social worker or something. Getting past the deplorable state of her children, let’s ask a practical question, shall we? Why the heck does she live in a shoe? Are we to believe that this woman and all her children live in an ordinary sneaker (or perhaps a disarded loafer, M. Goose is not specific)? Or perhaps it is, as many fanciful illustrations would have us think, they live together in a humongous boot? If that is the case, where on Earth would one find such a dwelling? Are we to then conclude that a moster shoe is available for a more moderate price than an ordinary house? I want to meet the Real Estate Agent who managed to trick this dumb bitch into putting a down payment on a place like this (“Aluminum siding? That’s so passe! This place has STEEL TOES!”) Also, here’s some advice for you lady. Keep your damn legs closed.

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men,
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

Classical illustration depicts Mr. Dumpty as an egg. I am confused by this, as nowhere in the rhyme does it specify what manner of person/thing this Humpty character is (For those of you who are going to be parents, please don’t give your kids rhyming names. It isn’t cute, it’s frightening). As far as we know, Humpty could have been a 500-piece puzzle, some furniture from Ikea, or a delicious 7-bean casserole. Here’s the second head-scratcher. Why would you ask the king’s horses to put him back together? Horses, as my research indicates, do not have thumbs. It is, therefore, very difficult for them to manipulate broken pieces of anything in such a way as to reconstruct them. They should have called in all the king’s chickens, since they are the egg experts. Also, why not give the women a go? Women are often quite skilled at putting things back together! At least they could have brought sewing kits or something. While I am not a blind optimist, is it really necessary to introduce children to a suicidal egg? I think not…

Peter Pumpkin Eater

Peter Peter, pumpkin eater
Had a wife and couldn’t keep her.
He put her in a pumpkin shell,
And there he kept her, very well.

How sad that we make light of battered wife syndrome. This woman is clearly not able to flee her husband, who is so poor that he must eat pumpkins and nothing else. Then again, maybe Mrs. Peter was a constant source of nagging: “Why can’t our relationship be more like the Spratts? They are always doing things betwixt the both of them!” Clearly he is concerned with her welfare, since he keeps her “very well”. This rhyme is probably designed to desensitize children to the way their parents like to beat the fuck out of each other all the time.

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down, and broke his crown,
And Jill came tumbling after.

This one is so messed up that it doesn’t even rhyme. What are we saying to our children? “It’s okay to be lazy if you can’t find a rhyme for water.” Anyway, no mention of what they need the water for, nor is there any mention of why anyone in their right mind would construct a well on top of a hill, since water is below the ground. It seems that this rhyme is designed to put women in their place, since Jill dutifully “tumbles after” Jack, despite the fact that she could have just stayed at the top of the hill and maybe called an ambulance for Jack… or at least scooped his brains back into his head.

Jack be Nimble

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
Jack jumped over the candlestick.

This rhyme is clearly written by a pirate, since it employs the infinitive form of the verb ‘to be’ (as pirates are wont to do: “Yarr, I be a pirate!”). There’s only one question to be asked about this very short rhyme: Why? Why not just walk around it? We will never know, as Jack went on to die falling down that hill. I guess he wasn’t quite as nimble as this verse would have us believe.

So, Mother Goose, we can only assume that in between penning rhymes you were grooming parasites from underneath your feathers and taking wicked bong hits. As a society, it is encumbant upon us to analyze carefully what message we are sending to our children, lest they grow up to produce unoriginal and unfunny websites…

Cults. They are everywhere. People follow greasy, smelly individuals and worship them as Gods. How can this be? We at Porocrom have prepared a special guide for you, the amateur cult founder. Following these simple guidelines, you too can have your very own cult in only a few days¹.

First and foremost, you need to find a Catchy Concept for your cult. This is the basis upon all else will be built. The power of the self? A supreme being? Aliens? You? What will be the factor that sets your cult apart from others? We at Porocrom suggest you use something ubiquitous, but very hard to understand (Good example: The theory of relativity. Bad example: Women. You could lose half your customers if you based it on women).

Next, the mandatory Promise of Well-being. Nobody will join a cult that promises to make them slaves, they all want happiness/lots of sex. This is as important to your success as the first point. The Promise will make people want to join you, and the Catchy Concept will make them want to stay. This will attract many many desperate people. If you want to attract rich, influential people, the Promise should be one of power and profit. It’s all about choices. Do you want to become rich and influential, or have an army of people who will obey your every whim? It’s up to you. By the way, if you choose the former, make sure you charge A LOT for admission, and make sure you have prepared fancy rituals in manors (think Eyes Wide Shut).

In our experience, the more successful cults are the ones who have the most loyal following (i.e. who brainwash people enough to make them obey blindly). Make sure the spiritual aspects of your cult are airtight. Add some safeguards such as “I am omniscient and I have a plan you can’t know“ whenever you can’t explain something, or “Trust me, I know what I’m doing“ whenever you are about to make them do something very stupid. Also, make it impossible to refute any of your principal truths by adding circular logic in it, for example “Whatever I say is true, because I always speak the truth“ (i.e. “Whatever I say is true because whatever I say is true“) or “I am the Supreme Being and you must worship me, and you know this is true because the Supreme Being does not lie“. Jumble things enough so that the less intelligent of your followers won’t be able to make sense, and the more intelligent will be too ashamed to challenge you. If all your followers are clever (for example if you chose Cult Type 2), you should abandon the spiritual aspect of your cult altogether (or make it vague and thinly veiled) and focus on the power, riches and amusement you will give them instead. Also, with Type 2, you must make it a secret cult, because what good is a cult of rich people when everyone knows who they are? Make sure you add initiation ceremonies and lifetime membership. Also, if someone tries to leave, make sure they meet with an “unfortunate accident” a few weeks later. This way you will keep your followers both satisfied and afraid.

If all goes according to plan, you should be well on your way to having a faithful following by now. You must also beware of the caveats though. For example, if you tell your people that you are the representative of your Supreme Being on earth, don’t forget to invent a Supreme Being, or some people might not believe it. Consequently, if you tell them you are the Supreme Being, make sure you have some superpowers to show them (card tricks work well). Also, if you chose the el-cheapo cult type, make sure you provide for your people, because they sure as hell ain’t gonna have enough money to do it themselves. You could raise enough money to do that by asking them to give you everything they have and then cutting down on costs by making them wear white unisex cotton robes and live on bread, water and vitamins. Be creative. If you choose the lavish cult type you must provide your members with enough amusement that they don’t get bored, say “fuck this cult” and leave. The upside, though, is that you will have more than enough money to do it. If you lack imagination you’d better go with the el-cheapo cult.

One of the most important questions after you have gathered a following of a few thousand people is “What do I do with them?“. There are plenty of choices there. Some people choose to commit mass suicide, but this has several disadvantages, the main of which is that you, well, die. By the way, if you have promised your members post-mortem well-being, make sure you also tell them that they won’t achieve it by committing suicide, otherwise you will see their numbers decrease very quickly. Appropriate excuses for this are “The more you serve me, the more chances you will have of a promotion in the afterlife“ and “Don’t cheat by killing yourself, or you won’t go to the [insert favorite pasture here]“. If you are careful to follow these guidelines, your cult will live a long and happy life.

To answer my previous question, you could have your followers work in their day jobs and give you all their money (which will probably all go towards their food/shelter), and have the most useless of them work in the house/field/cave you have set up as your domain. You could also have a harem of the most attractive members of the opposite sex (or, hey, even same sex, whatever flies your flag, we’re not judging). If your clientele is the influential type, you could have them make you president of a small country or introduce you to all the hot actresses/singers/what have you. The possibilities are endless.

This concludes today’s Howto, we wish you good luck with your endeavour. Of course, when you make it big, you will remember your old friends here at Porocrom, won’t you?

¹ Results may vary

Fellow men. I would like to alert you to a clear and present danger that threatens to destroy our very free will. I am talking about the insidious tactic of women invading our dreams and causing us to fall in love with them.

When I was younger I heard somewhere the notion that a girl prayed to God to make her get into the dream of the man she loved and make him love her back. At the time, I was like “Wtf you dumb broad, how the hell is that shit going to work?”, until I have had the very same thing happen to me. Yes, gentlemen, yesterday I dreamt of a girl and now I am in love with her. It is a most unfortunate incident.

I am sure you or a friend of yours has, at some point, fallen in love with a girl he dreamt about. I know this because two of my friends admitted it after I informed them of my predicament. At least I was lucky enough to fall in love with the hottest girl in our university (if you’re reading this, Kiki, that’s you), and not some random dog. A friend of mine, though, had the misfortune to fall in love with a girl he didn’t even like, and for a few months nonetheless! You can imagine the dismay such an incident might bring upon the subject, especially if his affections are not well-received.

It is not like us at Porocrom, though, to merely reiterate facts and stand idly by watching other people fall in the same trap. Caveat, dormitor, for your life is at stake. Our proposals are summarised here:

Legislation: You can always pressure your local congressman (I fear this only works in the U.S.) to enact a law that would prevent unauthorised access to people’s dreams by treacherous spinsters who would do anything to make a man fall in love with them. This law would not really prevent you from falling in love with women, but it would give you firm legal ground for suing the shit out of every woman who dared do it.

Stop sleeping: This is the most successful strategy. If you don’t sleep, they can’t haunt you. The catch is, though, that after a few days you will start to hallucinate, and you might fall in love with someone then. This is, however, highly unlikely. Another downside is that, generally, sleepless people tend not to perform as well in various tasks, such as knitting and sniping, so, if your line of work includes either or both, this technique might not suit you.

Get a girlfriend: This is nigh impossible to perform, for the simple reason that, hey, you’re a guy falling in love with women he dreamt of, does that sound like the kind of guy who could get a girlfriend to you? I am obviously the exception in this rule, because I do. Rule, that is. If you could do this, though, all your problems would be over, because hopefully your girlfriend would make you forget about the other woman with the ancient technique of fellatio.

Unfortunately, some of you might already be in the situation I so vividly describe. Fear not, gentle reader, for there might still be a chance for you. We have thought long and hard and we would like to propose the following:

Stalk her: The tried-and-true technique of stalking is one of the easiest and most effective techniques a man can employ. Equipped with a pair of nightvision goggles, a parabolic microphone and a hacker friend, no part of your loved one’s privacy will be left unexposed to your vigilant eye. You can optionally get a nightvision camera, if you want to savour the moments you spend together with your bride-to-be.

Confess your feelings: This one, I wouldn’t recommend. You could talk to her and tell her how you feel, but, no matter how cute this may be (in a somewhat disturbing way), it is ill-advised for two reasons. Firstly, would you want to be involved with a freak that fell in love with you in her sleep? I didn’t think so. Secondly, if you had any chance with her, you wouldn’t be wasting your life reading the putrid crap I spew, or perhaps the other way around.

Guile: If her IQ is in the single digits, you could try telling her that she is pregnant with your child, and that you would like to marry her to restore her honour. I have actually had this trick work on two occasions, but one was a vegetable and the other one was in a coma, so neither was very enthusiastic about marrying me. Or not marrying me, for that matter. Come to think of it, they were quite indifferent. I never got married to either, at any rate.

I hope this survival guide has helped you out of another difficult situation. Our next installment will feature ducks, because, as CNN.com mentions, jokes with ducks are considered particularly funny.