Porocrom’s Crappaper

A recent critical look at the child’s prayer (you know, the really morbid bedtime prayer that comes from the days when the plague could kill you overnight) sparked my thoughts about what other things we are teaching our children. Is it any wonder they are so messed up when we teach them such BIZARRE shit from an early age? For your consideration…

A Porocrom Look at Nursery Rhymes

The old woman and the shoe

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children, she didn’t know what to do.
She gave them some broth without any bread,
Whipped them all soundly and sent them to bed.

While I am all for teaching our children the realities of the world in which we live, is it really necessary to expose them to the brutality of single motherhood, child abuse and neglect at such a tender age? This woman needs a social worker or something. Getting past the deplorable state of her children, let’s ask a practical question, shall we? Why the heck does she live in a shoe? Are we to believe that this woman and all her children live in an ordinary sneaker (or perhaps a disarded loafer, M. Goose is not specific)? Or perhaps it is, as many fanciful illustrations would have us think, they live together in a humongous boot? If that is the case, where on Earth would one find such a dwelling? Are we to then conclude that a moster shoe is available for a more moderate price than an ordinary house? I want to meet the Real Estate Agent who managed to trick this dumb bitch into putting a down payment on a place like this (“Aluminum siding? That’s so passe! This place has STEEL TOES!”) Also, here’s some advice for you lady. Keep your damn legs closed.

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men,
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

Classical illustration depicts Mr. Dumpty as an egg. I am confused by this, as nowhere in the rhyme does it specify what manner of person/thing this Humpty character is (For those of you who are going to be parents, please don’t give your kids rhyming names. It isn’t cute, it’s frightening). As far as we know, Humpty could have been a 500-piece puzzle, some furniture from Ikea, or a delicious 7-bean casserole. Here’s the second head-scratcher. Why would you ask the king’s horses to put him back together? Horses, as my research indicates, do not have thumbs. It is, therefore, very difficult for them to manipulate broken pieces of anything in such a way as to reconstruct them. They should have called in all the king’s chickens, since they are the egg experts. Also, why not give the women a go? Women are often quite skilled at putting things back together! At least they could have brought sewing kits or something. While I am not a blind optimist, is it really necessary to introduce children to a suicidal egg? I think not…

Peter Pumpkin Eater

Peter Peter, pumpkin eater
Had a wife and couldn’t keep her.
He put her in a pumpkin shell,
And there he kept her, very well.

How sad that we make light of battered wife syndrome. This woman is clearly not able to flee her husband, who is so poor that he must eat pumpkins and nothing else. Then again, maybe Mrs. Peter was a constant source of nagging: “Why can’t our relationship be more like the Spratts? They are always doing things betwixt the both of them!” Clearly he is concerned with her welfare, since he keeps her “very well”. This rhyme is probably designed to desensitize children to the way their parents like to beat the fuck out of each other all the time.

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down, and broke his crown,
And Jill came tumbling after.

This one is so messed up that it doesn’t even rhyme. What are we saying to our children? “It’s okay to be lazy if you can’t find a rhyme for water.” Anyway, no mention of what they need the water for, nor is there any mention of why anyone in their right mind would construct a well on top of a hill, since water is below the ground. It seems that this rhyme is designed to put women in their place, since Jill dutifully “tumbles after” Jack, despite the fact that she could have just stayed at the top of the hill and maybe called an ambulance for Jack… or at least scooped his brains back into his head.

Jack be Nimble

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
Jack jumped over the candlestick.

This rhyme is clearly written by a pirate, since it employs the infinitive form of the verb ‘to be’ (as pirates are wont to do: “Yarr, I be a pirate!”). There’s only one question to be asked about this very short rhyme: Why? Why not just walk around it? We will never know, as Jack went on to die falling down that hill. I guess he wasn’t quite as nimble as this verse would have us believe.

So, Mother Goose, we can only assume that in between penning rhymes you were grooming parasites from underneath your feathers and taking wicked bong hits. As a society, it is encumbant upon us to analyze carefully what message we are sending to our children, lest they grow up to produce unoriginal and unfunny websites…

Today I found out I have not been speaking English correctly all this time. I watched a crap movie where American soldiers went to a place in Africa or Asia or Antarctica and bought an elephant with a kid to torment them. From the first few moments of the movie it dawned on me that my English sucks. Apparently, people outside native English speaking countries should have no concept of the first person singular, and refer to themselves only in the third person, because this kid could speak immaculate English but only in the third person, sort of like IRC. You know, “/me likes sex”. A sample phrase from the movie: “Lin is very happy that he has met your acquaintance. Lin would be grateful if you would allow him to accompany you and Lin’s elephant on your quest for saving the world, as American soldiers in movies always do.”
From now on Poromenos will talk like that. Poromenos sorry he could not speak English very well until now, but Poromenos not knew. Come to think of it, I think this only applies to Asians. I don’t know what Greeks are supposed to talk like. Maybe we’re all terrorists who can’t speak.
Bah.

Hello, fellow readers. Your coming here can only mean that you can read (albeit barely enough to understand what I am writing). Today I shall continue to educate you on the proper usage of your language (unless that language is Russian and you are a tall, blond, HOT woman, in which case I will educate you later in private).
From what I have seen, there are two categories of people and myself. There are the people who can’t distinguish between the nominative and the objective case and always use the objective case, and the people who can’t distinguish between the nominative and the objective case and always use the objective case. Let me enlighten you further:
The first group of people (the majority) would say: “You and me are going to fuck them!”
I don’t understand why someone would use this. You don’t say “Me is going to fuck them”, do you? Why would you use “me” here then? The correct phrase is “You and I are going to fuck them!”.

The second group wants to appear more literate, and they say: “These two dolts are going to fuck you and I.”
Again, why would you say that? You wouldn’t say “They are going to fuck I.” now, would you? No, you would use the objective me.
I can understand the first group, most of the time it’s not worth the hours it takes to think whether you should use “I” or “me” to tell your cousin “Hay thar’ Peggy Sue, I’ma go with tha fellers over to tha barn, get them varmints ready fer bed.” (“Dearest wife, would you be kind enough as to prepare the children’s sleeping arrangements?”). The second group, though, is unforgivable. They just want to appear to be well educated so they just throw an “I” everywhere, even where it’s not correct. That is unacceptable.
The rule to speaking English well is very simple: Don’t say together what you wouldn’t say alone.
Examples:
Wrong: “John and me went to the whorehouse but the pimp told us we couldn’t visit our wives while they were working.”
The unfortunate person should have said “John and I”, because had he gone alone, he would have said “I went”, not “me went”.
Wrong: “Our husbands saw Peggy and I while we were blowing some random guy at work.”
Again, the same applies. The working lady would have said “My husband saw me”, not “My husband saw I”. It’s really not that difficult.
I hope this clears up the grammar fog a bit. I will see you later.

By the way, you can only see a small part of Elisha’s boob in “The Girl Next Door”, while there is a scene where she pretends to fuck that ugly dude. Shame on the director. Nice boobs though, Elisha. Very nice.

As you may already know, Greeks invented many things, including but not limited to the Olympics, all the languages, and the entire world. So who better than a Greek (me) to teach you some basic English.

Lesson 1: You’re vs Your

You’re means you are. It is easy to remember if you think of the apostrophe as an a. That way, it becomes youare, which is easier for people of your intelligence (or lack thereof) to remember.
Example: You’re a whore.
Your is the possessive form, indicating that you own something. The basic rule of thumb for this is: “Whenever you write ‘your’, delete it and use ‘you are’ and vice-versa.”
Example: Your daughter is a bigger whore than even yourself.

Lesson 2: Who vs Whom

There is not a chance in hell that you will ever be able to learn the difference between the two, so just use who, unless you want to appear knowledgeable, in which case you will fail anyway, so you can use either. Hint: “I boned mai sister 2day, whom i luv veri much.” doesn’t work very well.

Lesson 3: It’s vs Its

This one is a long shot, but let me try. It’s means it is. You can remember this by thinking of the apostrophe as an i, which will make it itis.
Example: It’s not odd that your kid is a retard, since you married your sister.
Its again indicates possession, i.e. that you own something. Again the rule of thumb is: “Whatever you want to use, it’s wrong. Use the other one.”
Example: Wow, you have a really small dick. Its length is about 3 centimeters.

Lesson 4: Murder is illegal

Please do not murder your language every time you speak. It’s not u, it’s you. It’s not tho or b4 or ne1, it’s though and before and anyone. If you don’t know how each word is spelled, there are institutions that can teach you. They’re called schools, go to one.

Lesson 5: Use embellishments sparingly

Don’t get me wrong, I am all for using smileys and all that crap, they convey emotion very effectively. The sentence You are a motherfucking asshole! will get you beat up, while the sentence You are a motherfucking asshole! will (hopefully) not. A beating is not a small thing to avoid with just a colon and a P.
However, things like the hideous japanese manga face things like ^^ or ^_ are NOT permitted. The only things this conveys are “I have a face” and “I am a retarded American kid that would like to be Japanese because of all the superpowers they have.” Avoid the use of these abominations at all costs.

I hope against hope that this clears things up for you somewhat, so I will not have to tell your mom that you stay up late jerking off to shemale porn.
Suggestions/corrections are welcome, send them to billgates@microsoft.com.