Porocrom’s Crappaper

    Hello dear reader, and welcome. I would like to inaugurate our new section, aptly entitled “Cooking”. Do you live alone, and you are too lazy to cook yourself? Is your girlfriend a worthless bitch and she couldn’t cook to save her life? Are you tired of eating out and spending a fortune on Big Macs? Do all cookbooks assume like you have all day to cook and a servant to keep your fridge stocked and clean after you? Then our new section is for you. Read on, and you will understand.
Dish: Tortellini con Prosciutto with bacon (sounds impressive, huh?).
Preparation time: 1 South Park episode.
Stuff that will need cleanup afterwards: 1 pot (WARNING: This will look like you held a bukkake session in it, but don’t despair), 1 knife, 1 tablespoon, a strainer.
Ingredients: 1 bag of tortellini (with prosciutto if you like meat, or cheese if you don’t), 1 pack of cream (the white gooey stuff that looks like cum), 1/2 tsp. of salt (levelled), 5 slices of bacon, 70 grams of grated Parmesan (or other cheese).
Calories: Enough to keep your house warm for a few months, so make sure you get light cream.
People: This dish is enough for 2 normal people, so you’ll get quite full with it.
    First of all, pour some water in the pot (not a lot, about 0.75 lt or so), and let it boil (you will know when it does from all the bubbles. Wait for the big bubbles, not the little ones). When it boils, throw the tortellini and the salt in. You should let those boil for 11 minutes while stirring frequently with the spoon (no idea why) and watching South Park (preferably episode 107 – Pink Eye). When it is done, pour them in the strainer and leave them to dry as you cunningly prepare for the next step.
    Empty the pot, rinse it a bit and let it dry while you also rinse the spoon, then throw in the cream. Chop the bacon up into little pieces and throw those in too, and then some grated cheese. Then put the tortellini in and throw the rest of the cheese in for good measure. Put it on the stove (on the lowest temperature it has to offer). Stir fervently with the tablespoon until the cream thickens, the cheese dissolves and the tortellini are all covered in the gooey mess that will appear.

This is what it should look like. If it’s any different, you’re a dumbass.
    Now your gourmet lunch is ready to be eaten. Serve in the pot (why make a mess in a plate when you can avoid it?). You have just prepared a meal that would make your mom jealous and you still have time to watch the South Park episode while eating. You can definitely impress chicks with this (on the other hand, if they do get surprised it means they can’t cook for shit, so what are you doing with her? Unless, of course, she’s hot).
    Warning: You should clean the pot and stuff RIGHT AWAY, otherwise, much like semen on your ass, the cream will thicken and it will, again much like semen on your ass, mean that you have gotten screwed, and that will be a bitch to clean. If you do leave it despite my warnings, you deserve to die, so I will not tell you that you should put some hot water in it and leave it to soften the cream.
    I hope you liked today’s cooking update. We will be back with more food.

Stuck in a dead-end relationship? Does the voice of your significant other cut through your head like a hot knife through babies? Are you spending all your ‘intimate moments’ thinking about that chick at McDonalds with the tight pants? Are your fantasies about getting stuck in an elevator being replaced by sticking your girlfriend in the freezer? Now, you COULD just end it, but why not go out with some style? Here’s a list of ways you can end a relationship and go down in the Dumper Hall of Fame (the non-scatological one).


Number 10: One-way trip

Take her on a romantic trip to Eastern Europe. It is key that she has absolutely no input into the planning of the trip. Better still is to tell her you’re going to the Bahamas and then by the time the plane lands, it’s too late. Then, the first night in the hotel, grab all her personal belongings (including any means of her getting money) and high-tail it to the airport with your return ticket.

Cons: Expensive, unless you fly Air Babushka where you pay 2 chickens and a llama and you get to fly for free, and when I say fly I mean you are actually flying the plane. Also, there is the possibility that she can speak several European languages and has been keeping it secret.

Pros: Avoids the whole issue of accidentally running into her ever again. Also, you get to sell her stuff and play the ‘grieving widower’ when she doesn’t turn up ever again.


Number 9: The Psycho

This one is fairly self-explanatory. Act normal, but then at the slightest provocation (or preferable with no provocation at all) turn into a raging psycho. Bite trees, kick small dogs, accuse priests of philandering. Then go back to normal. If she is foolish enough to invite you to meet her mother, call her a ‘cunting whore’ (a la Brooke Dennings in The Exorcist). Nobody could handle this for more than a couple of weeks before dumping your ass.

Cons: Possibility of criminal charges. Also, none of her friends will ever date you.

Pros: You get to leave the relationship guilt-free because she has dumped you. Plus the added bonus of getting to act however you want.


Number 8: Freak in the Bedroom

Start requesting bizarre stuff instead of the usual efficient German love-making (eins, zwei, eins, zwei, orgasm NOW). It’s best if you ask for things that a) would make the Marquis de Sade question your sanity and/or b) are physically impossible for her to perform. Refuse to even talk to her unless she immediately complies. When she protests that she couldn’t possibly detach her limbs like that, dump her cold.

Cons: None… unless she’s into that crazy shit. Then you’re in a LOT of trouble.

Pros: The look on her face will be priceless.


Number 7: Hitting on her Best Friend

I know you do this anyway, but this time do it when she’s around. A good trick is to wait until she’s talking on the phone with her best, then pick up another phone in the house and say things like “I wish I could be with you instead of this bitch I’m dating. Wait baby, are you still on the line? Hang up for a second. So, what are you wearing?” Subtlety in this situation is not your friend. Be as blatant (and graphic) as possible. The dumping is imminent.

Cons: Your girlfriend may dump the friend instead of you. I’ve seen it happen, it isn’t pretty.

Pros: The advantage of being the ‘dumpee’. The possibility that the best friend might be into it. The possibility that they might both be into it. Hey, we can dream, right?


Number 6: Captain Nasty

Whip it out. Any time, any place. Chase her around the room with it and command her to “kiss the lizard”. Any public setting (especially work-related) is ideal, as she will have to try and explain your bizarre behaviour. This one can double up with Hitting on the Best Friend and The Psycho. If it worked in Seinfeld, it’s got to work in real life, right?

Cons: Criminal charges. The possibility that she might just cuff you one time in the junk and then it’s all over.

Pros: Give Mr. Happy some air.


Number 5: Headbutt in the Tit

While we don’t condone spousal abuse here at Porocrom, Maddox definitely had the right idea. It’s simple, requires no long conversations or pointless post-relationship friendships. A headbutt in the tit lets her know you mean business.

Cons: Hitting women isn’t cool, even if you really think she deserves it. Also, criminal charges (hmm, seems to be a recurring theme).

Pros: Pretty good story to tell when you’re with the guys and you’ve had a few.


Number 4: Sky-Writer

You know in those cheesy 50s sitcoms or whatever where the guy hires a sky-writer to spell out his love to some beehive-haircut bimbo? This is the evolution of that. Hire a sky-writer to spell out choice messages like “It’s over, bitch” and “I’m nailing your sister” where EVERYONE can see it. Also works for Superbowls.

Cons: Expensive

Pros: If you have a few buddies who are in similar predicaments, you can pool your money and share the message. Also, sky-writing is cool.


Number 3: Drafted

Tell her you are joining the army and that you’re shipping out the next day, and that you don’t want her to wait for you. Send a telegram 2 days later to her house telling her that you were killed in battle and that your last words were “Tell that bitch it’s over”. When she sees you again, say you have no idea who she is. REFUSE TO SHOW ID! This could blow the whole ruse. Make sure your friends/family are willing to corroborate your story if she doesn’t get the message right away.

Cons: Faking your own death has its drawbacks. Also, sending a telegram might be tricky. I have no idea how you would go about that…

Pros: Getting “I’m leaving for the army” sex. I hear it’s dynamite.


Number 2: Switcheroo

Those 6 magic words… no, not “I’m sleeping with your best friend”, we already covered that. No, the words are “You mean you’re not a man?” Claim that you though she was the most convincing drag queen ever. Tell her that while you find the thought of sex with a woman repulsive, the thought of sex with a man dressed like a woman is somehow appealing.

Cons: Explaining how you didn’t notice she had no penis. My advice: claim EXTREME short-sightedness. Also, rumours get spread that you are gay, which is never good. Unless you are gay, but then that raises the question of why you were dating a chick to begin with. Unless you are a lesbian, but then why would you think she was a guy? No no, this isn’t right at all!

Pros: Not only do you get out of a relationship, but you crush her self-esteem as well.


And the NUMBER 1 WAY to end a relationship

Alzheimer’s Steve

This one takes preparation and timing. You have to figure out a way to not talk to her at all for 2 weeks or more. You also need to train your friends and family to get them to learn their parts in this. Then, once the preparations have been made, arrange to ‘accidentally’ run into her somewhere. Here is the script.

Her: Hey! Where have you been? I haven’t seen you in so long (goes to hug or kiss you or something)

You: (Pushing her away) Excuse me? I really don’t think that’s appropriate anymore.

Her: What do you mean?

You: Well you know… since we broke up.

Her: What? Broke up?

You: Oh… shit. I KNEW I forgot to do something. I’ve been walking around these past few weeks wondering what I was forgetting. Well Cindy, I broke up with you about two weeks ago, but I forgot to tell you.

Not only is your story air-tight, but it puts her at a complete disadvantage. She doesn’t know WHAT to say. Don’t give her the reason – instead say thing like “Well you of all people should know”. This also works if you say that she broke up with you, but she forgot. When she offers to take you back, tell her the reasons she gave you were too compelling, and besides you have already moved on. It’s best if you can use that two weeks or so to find another girlfriend to lend your story some more credibility.

Cons: None. This is fool-proof.

Pros: You go down in history as the greatest Relationship-ended and the ballsiest guy in history.


So now you have the tools to surgically remove the cancerous relationship from your life. When you’re finished with your former girlfriends, give me their numbers. I’m so lonely…

So Poro sent me this link.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00061LC8W/qid=109805258 8/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/103-5270041-6340636?v=glance&s=kitchen

The page advertises a hexagonal steel bird-cage. The ad screams FREE SHIPPING IN THE UNITED STATES! It also smugly boasts that the locks on the cage are unsolvable by even the wiliest of birds. This cage truly comes with all the bells and whistles (pun intended). And what’s more, this modern miracle of avian science is available for the low price of $3500!

This got me to thinking. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? You’ve obviously got your priorities a little mixed up if you’re seriously considering dropping 3.5 grand US (which is like a million bajillion Canadian dollars, or 16 euro) on a cage for a bird.

Well fear not, boys and girls. Uncle Crommie is here with…

WHAT YOU SHOULD DO WITH $3500 INSTEAD OF BUYING A BIRD CAGE

Idea #1: Take a semester or two at a community college
Sure it isn’t glamorous, but you could learn the rudiments of something really cool, like small engine repair, arc welding, ballet, a foreign language, object-oriented computer programming, what-have-you. Upgrade your job, help out around the house, or maybe design the doomsday device you’ve always wanted and hold the world ransom for a tidy sum.

Idea #2: Buy a new wardrobe
Tired of all the cool kids at school making fun of you because you’re still sporting your once-fashionable “New Kids On The Block” t-shirt and matching biking shorts? Turn your life around by sporting some new, swanky togs from all the hippest boutiques (or blow your whole stack on a single mitten from Holt Renfrew).

Idea #3: Start an X-rated website
Make your money work for you. Buy a digital camera, a couple of adventurous prostitutes and a bottle of Old English and start your own business. Maybe that object-oriented programming will come in handy… or at least your newfound famliarity with foreign tongues.

Idea #4: Buy a sound system for your car
Become your own “Pimp Out My Ride” and sink that cash into a new set of speakers and a 6-CD changer for the trunk. Then you can cruise in your 1992 Mercury Topaz down by the home for blind nymphomaniacs and try to convince them that you’re pulling up in a brand new Mustang. And if their heightened sense of smell doesn’t tip them off that you’ve had those chicken bones under the back seat since the Macarena was at its height of popularity, at least they won’t be able to ID you to the cops.

Idea #5: Purchase a third-world country
Anyone who has ever played the Risk board-game knows how easy it is to become a military dictator. Get your whole underfed population to start building those cannons that are worth like 10 guys each. Once you have 7 or 8 cannons (this might take a few turns), you can start your manifest destiny of global conquest. Just hope that you are consistent with those dice-rolls.

Idea #6: Hire a hitman
Well, most hired killers worth their salt will turn up their noses at a measly $3500. Maybe you should just outfit your neighbourhood wino with a 40 and a hand-gun, then turn him loose at a preview screening of an Olsen Twins movie. Innocent bystanders? They should have known better than to be within 10 blocks of that vortex of acting talent.

Idea #7: Become addicted to a designer drug
I hear great things about Cocaine mixed with chilli pepper. They call it the Unlucky Housewife. Just one snort and your nose is bleeding worse than the foolish woman who married a guy named Jim-Bob then tried to wean him off football and pork rinds. Maybe she should have had dinner ready like he asked…

Idea #8: Rent a crappy apartment for a year
If your landlord isn’t wary about a tenant who pays in cash up front, you will be the proud owner of a scumhole shack. Start a grow operation, lure some children, start a mail-fraud scam. The world is your oyster now that you have a new mailing address and a clever alias (I recommend “Ares Stevenson” for the fellas and “Phyllis J. Armistice” for the ladies).

Idea #9: Invest in technology stocks
What? You were going to throw it away on a bird-cage anyway…

Idea #10: Empty out a fast-food restaurant
Go in to your neighbourhood Harvey’s and ask for 1500 value-burgers with extra pickles. If they are capable of making this order, then pay for the burgers, then go out on the street and throw them at oncoming traffic. Leave any unthrown ones to fester in a hidden place near the entrance to the store. The stench of rotting meat will serve as a constant reminder to the management of the error of contributing to the cult of excess.

Idea #11: Buy some Porocrom t-shirts
Or better yet, just give me the money and I will draw funny pictures and sayings on t-shirts you already own.


With these ideas firmly in hand, I’m sure you’ll have no trouble properly investing your money in a more lucrative endeavour than a cage for birds.

But some of you are probably wondering: “Skivven, if I blow my $3500 on these ideas, where will I keep my birds?”

For the last time: My name is not Skivven

But I will help you anyways. I have designed a cage with all the same features of the deluxe version, but at a fraction of the cost.




With its durable yet light space-age cardboard frame, this cage utilizes the same technology used by package-delivery companies worldwide!

Remember the story of the three little pigs? The smart one’s house used bricks, and now yours can too! This brick is guaranteed bird-proof. No matter HOW badly Polly wants to go gallavanting about town, she’ll be safe and secure in her cage.

These ergonomically-designed holes allow both air and light through simultaneously to maximize viewing efficiency. Certified 100% organic, low-carb and free of trans fats, these holes are also guaranteed fire-proof, rust-proof, and will not shrink in the wash (WOW!).

FREE SHIPPING IN THE USA, CANADA, OR PRETTY MUCH ANYWHERE WHERE I CAN GET MY HANDS ON A BOX, A SHARP STICK AND A PIECE OF MASONRY.

Today I found out I have not been speaking English correctly all this time. I watched a crap movie where American soldiers went to a place in Africa or Asia or Antarctica and bought an elephant with a kid to torment them. From the first few moments of the movie it dawned on me that my English sucks. Apparently, people outside native English speaking countries should have no concept of the first person singular, and refer to themselves only in the third person, because this kid could speak immaculate English but only in the third person, sort of like IRC. You know, “/me likes sex”. A sample phrase from the movie: “Lin is very happy that he has met your acquaintance. Lin would be grateful if you would allow him to accompany you and Lin’s elephant on your quest for saving the world, as American soldiers in movies always do.”
From now on Poromenos will talk like that. Poromenos sorry he could not speak English very well until now, but Poromenos not knew. Come to think of it, I think this only applies to Asians. I don’t know what Greeks are supposed to talk like. Maybe we’re all terrorists who can’t speak.
Bah.

Hello, fellow readers. Your coming here can only mean that you can read (albeit barely enough to understand what I am writing). Today I shall continue to educate you on the proper usage of your language (unless that language is Russian and you are a tall, blond, HOT woman, in which case I will educate you later in private).
From what I have seen, there are two categories of people and myself. There are the people who can’t distinguish between the nominative and the objective case and always use the objective case, and the people who can’t distinguish between the nominative and the objective case and always use the objective case. Let me enlighten you further:
The first group of people (the majority) would say: “You and me are going to fuck them!”
I don’t understand why someone would use this. You don’t say “Me is going to fuck them”, do you? Why would you use “me” here then? The correct phrase is “You and I are going to fuck them!”.

The second group wants to appear more literate, and they say: “These two dolts are going to fuck you and I.”
Again, why would you say that? You wouldn’t say “They are going to fuck I.” now, would you? No, you would use the objective me.
I can understand the first group, most of the time it’s not worth the hours it takes to think whether you should use “I” or “me” to tell your cousin “Hay thar’ Peggy Sue, I’ma go with tha fellers over to tha barn, get them varmints ready fer bed.” (“Dearest wife, would you be kind enough as to prepare the children’s sleeping arrangements?”). The second group, though, is unforgivable. They just want to appear to be well educated so they just throw an “I” everywhere, even where it’s not correct. That is unacceptable.
The rule to speaking English well is very simple: Don’t say together what you wouldn’t say alone.
Examples:
Wrong: “John and me went to the whorehouse but the pimp told us we couldn’t visit our wives while they were working.”
The unfortunate person should have said “John and I”, because had he gone alone, he would have said “I went”, not “me went”.
Wrong: “Our husbands saw Peggy and I while we were blowing some random guy at work.”
Again, the same applies. The working lady would have said “My husband saw me”, not “My husband saw I”. It’s really not that difficult.
I hope this clears up the grammar fog a bit. I will see you later.

By the way, you can only see a small part of Elisha’s boob in “The Girl Next Door”, while there is a scene where she pretends to fuck that ugly dude. Shame on the director. Nice boobs though, Elisha. Very nice.