Porocrom’s Crappaper

I was walking past a house the other day, and I saw this sign that said “Beware of Dog”. I asked myself, “Hell, why do we even have dogs as guards in the first place?”. “That is a pretty damn valid question”, I answered. I kept talking to myself for a bit until this old hag thought I was schizophrenic or some shit so she called the cops so I had to get the fuck out of her house, and also that fucking dog mentioned in the sign started chasing me. But seriously.

Why do we have dogs as guards? They suck, you can kick them in the nuts and they go down like pussies. Even if they bite you, the most you’ll get is rabies, and then you can sue the fucking cunt that owns the dog for liability or some legal shit like that. That’s not very smart now, is it?

What we should do is get rats. Oh man, rats are the shit. Dump a dozen hungry rats in your apartment and no thief will ever dare get close. Include a “Beware of Rats” sign and you’re covered. Rats don’t need no stinkin cups, good luck finding the balls on a rat to kick him there, you need a magnifying lens or something. A rat’s only weakness is his low education level. Most rats aren’t very well educated, that’s why they make the perfect guards. They ask no questions, they obey whatever you tell them. Also, you can’t kill rats. You can stab them, shoot them, maim them, nothing, They just don’t fucking die! If you cut a rat’s tail off, the rat will grow a new tail, and, get this: A new rat grows from the tail. No other species can do that, except from that fish that looks like an asterisk, but what the hell are you going to do with an asterisk? Maybe write a footnote.

Also, if a rat bites you, you’re dead. Rats carry like, a gazillion diseases, so if you don’t die of the sheer ferocity of the bite, the AIDS is going to kill you for sure. Plus rats are awesome to look at. Have you seen a rat lately? They’re HUGE. Especially if you get rats the size of cats, those will scare the crap out of anyone. I know people who have died because of rat poisoning, and that’s even before they saw them! Rats are kickass.

There are these old ladies who keep cats as guards. Fucking cats, man. What the fuck are cats going to do, scratch my leg? Fuck that shit. A rat can chew RIGHT THROUGH a cat in no time. Also the rat/cat ratio is huge, rats lay like 10 eggs a day while a cat only gets like, a kitten a year, and that’s if she’s a whore. What chances does a kitten stand versus 10 fully grown rats? Rats breed like rabbits, man, before you can say Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, they’re ALL over the place. And their kids, and their grandkids. They’ve got a whole fucking nuclear family set up in your house. You don’t even have to buy a rat, just ask your friend to give you one. I’m telling you, you can’t go wrong with rats.

Look at this rat on the right. This rat has weapons. This rat is here to chew ass and chew bubble gum, and he doesn’t like ass. This rat will kill any dog he comes across. There are no dogs armed with RPGs. Hell, even if there were, they wouldn’t know how to use them, they’d just keep barking like the pussies they are. Only the Pekingese are somewhat leet, I have to hand it to them. The Pekingese will bark at everyone, and I mean fucking everyone. The Pekingese don’t care if you just fed them your last Oreo which was all you had to eat for a week, they’ll still bite your ass when you’re done. Only the Pekingese can stand up to a rat, but they still can’t use an RPG so they also suck ass.

A rat will never fail you. You can always count on a rat. If you’re stranded in the mountain and you have no food and are dying of the cold, the rat will run the fuck away from you to get some food and come back with his friends to eat you when you die. That’s fucking reliability. Even at those harsh conditions, the rats kick ass. If a boat is going to sink, rats are known to leave it by eating holes through its hull. They have foresight. Show me a dog that can predict the future! That’s right, no dogs can predict the fucking future. Useless.

P.S. This post contains gratuitous violence and copyrighted images and as such is not suitable for consumption.

I don’t know about you lot, but having a religion these days is a pain in the butt. First of all, which one do you pick? Catholicism comes with free food and booze, Islam gets free virgins, Judaism gets you mad stacks of cash… WHAT TO DO?

And after you’ve picked your religion, there’s the pesky unanswered questions. “If God is all-powerful and all-good, why does evil prosper?” “If everything is fated, can free will exist?” “Can Allah make a taco so big even he cannot eat it?” So many questions. And lastly, there is the pesky problem of all the good religious guys being long-dead. Mohammad, Moses, Santa Claus… buried and unavailable for questions.

Well friends, there is an answer. I have discovered a religion that is way better than having a REAL religion. Imagine eternal Earthly happiness with guaranteed and SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN results! Sounds impossible, doesn’t it? Well for the low low price of $49.95, you too can become a Scientologist.

Many so-called “real” religions are based on the principle that Earthly fulfilment must be abated to achieve an everlasting reward in a perfect afterlife. Any conflicts in your life are the direct result of sinful transgressions from a well-established moral code. According to Scientology, this is just religious mumbo-jumbo. The REAL key to Earthly happiness is to unlock your hidden super-powers that give you control over your life and the circumstances around you. Not only THAT, but it will teach you how to raise perfect children, succeed 100% of the time at your job, and fly faster than light speed (reserved only for Gold-Card members). Also, forget about sin, the only sin is not buying enough books.

Many religions are based around a central and supernatural mythology, usually dealing with the creation of the world. Many believe in the power of an almighty being that creates and controls the ebb and flow of the universe. The truth is found in books like the Torah and the Qur’an, that are considered by many to be God’s revealed word. These books are pored over by scholars and theologians to extract the truth. In Scientology, there’s no need for scholarly insight or careful study, the books are easy to read! And who needs just ONE holy book? In Scientology, you can buy a whole series! As we know from observing American culture (the best in the world because it has the most missiles), more is ALWAYS better. No pesky unexplainable phenomena for Scientologists either. All of life’s problems have been solved scientifically. Never mind that mankind still doesn’t really know how the microwave works… science IS the answer.

How many times have you found yourself puzzling over a mystery that has puzzled mankind for ages? Ever tried to write Jesus a letter, only to discover that he’s dead and his family moved and didn’t leave a forwarding address? Irritating, isn’t it? Well with Scientology, the leader is still alive! Write L. Ron Hubbard a letter, and he will reply with a monographed form letter with an appeal to buy his latest book. If that’s not more efficient than prayer, I don’t know what is. If you’re still in need of guidance, you can always check out the OFFICIAL website. I don’t see judaism.com or hindu.net out there! (Note: since this was posted, anti-Porocrom anti-Scientologists posted these two websites. The conspiracy is everywhere!)

So while all you suckers are wasting your time with charity and self-sacrifice to appease some deity figure way out in space, I’m sinking my money into the kind of religion I can really get into: one that is completely sane. I mean… it worked for Tom Cruise… and there’s nothing wrong with him, right?

The Nobel prizes. The Oscars of the intellectual world. The most illustrious ceremony since Moses parted the seas. The ultimate prize someone can get. The biggest fallacy since the female orgasm.

Yes, that’s right. The Nobel prizes are FAKE. Big, fat fakers, all of them. We at Porocrom bring you another startling discovery, with concrete proof which we shall show you momentarily (and by momentarily I don’t mean in a moment, I mean for a moment, because actually I made them up). The Nobel peace prizes are actually a fictitious scheme instigated by Alfred Nobel to deceive everyone apart from a few important people and to make those people feel better about themselves.

Think about it. When have you ever seen a Nobel prize ceremony take place, or heard of anyone actually receive one? Sure, you have heard about people being Nobel prize winners, but it is not clear when they received it. Whereas the Oscars, while much inferior, attract everyone’s attention and are accompanied by media frenzy each year. One would think that the Nobel peace prize ceremony would cause the scientific/literary/whatever community to foam at the mouth and babble incomprehensible words, but no. Nothing! Therefore, I am forced to believe that it is fictitious.

In light of this new discovery, and since it logically follows that the Nobel prize winners have not actually ever won any prizes, I proclaim myself a Nobel physics prize winner for my discovery of the amazing power of shit, and my good friend Crommunist a Nobel literature prize winner for this amazing piece. I shall now stop writing because A) A Nobel physics prize winner can’t just write whatever crap he thinks of and 2) I must shit. Also, some people have complained that my posts end too abruptly. No they don’t.

It is a few months ago. I wake up as usual, and stumble over to the kitchen to see if there is anything to eat. There never is, so I wait until midday to order some takeout, which promptly arrives a few minutes later. Neither I nor the takeout delivery man (or anyone else, for that matter) could perceive the historical importance that fateful day had, for it will truly be forever written in the annals of science for ever and ever, amen.
The importance of that day lay not on the fact that I ate takeout, but that the takeout was significantly different. To this day, I do not know the ingredients, but by some odd twist of fate, that meal reached me and eventually caused me to take a HUGE dump, of which people will also talk in the years to come. Still, I did not know the significance of those turds until today.
My toilet had been oozing little brown shitties ever since, which led me to believe that a mischievous turd had been lodged in the toilet to forever torment me, and I have to flush every single day. I, of course, tried to get rid of it using conventional means like chlorine, more turds, nuclear weapons and flushing embryos down the toilet so they may clean it and return safely home (umbilical cords come in VERY useful when there’s no air), but to no avail. Any other person would be frustrated from this seemingly inexhaustible turd, but it got me thinking. WHAT IF WE COULD USE ITS ENERGY TO POWER OUR HOMES?!
And thus, the notion of harnessing the power of shit was born. Einstein in his theory of relativity tells us that mass, when completely annihilated, will produce energy equal to mc^2, where c is the speed of light (299,792,458 m/sec in a vacuum). So, for the less technically inclined, this would give us a whopping 89,875,517,873,681,764 Joules of energy for a mere kilogram of shit! As you can imagine, this is a major scientific breakthrough, but this fact has been known to physicists the world over for many years. The revolution that I propose today comes from the fact that the turd in my toilet (and thus every turd in the world) has apparently infinite mass, so we could power everything in the world by a single turd.
This, however, would be a bit impractical, since we would have to distribute the energy to everyone. Turds, though, are so abundant, that we are not limited to my turd. Anyone could shit and convert it to energy and be happy for a lifetime. Therefore, to avoid anyone making money off my scheme, I am patenting the idea of making energy from shit, or making anything from shit, for that matter. USING MANURE IS ILLEGAL FROM NOW ON, YOU MUST PAY ME. Hey, while I’m at it, I will patent the idea of producing energy altogether. Aha, yet another ambitious plan hatches! But I digress.
Think of all the uses this would find! The implications are manifold, and the uses are various and all equally important:

• Cars. Your car has run out of gas in the middle of nowhere and you have no cell phone? Just open the special hatch, take a dump in it, and voila! Your car will run great for at least another ten years, at which time it will break down (the shit will continue to give off energy, though). You can even eat some extra beans or burritos, if you’re street racing and you need that extra oomph. Forget about NOS, Turdous Oxide is here to stay.
  
• Turd bombs. Unfortunately, every major discovery is bound to be used for evil, so here it is. That country over there is getting cheeky?. You need more weapons to win the war against terrorism? The neighbour is giving you a hard time? Create a TurdBomb™ and blow the entire galaxy up! That’ll teach ‘em!
  
• Getting paid to shit. Don’t let restaurants, gas stations and other public/private restrooms con you into shitting for free. From now on shitting will only take place in special donation banks, much like blood and semen. You will get paid handsomely for a single turd, and sending crap as aid for third-world countries will not only be accepted, but greatly endorsed!
  

These were only some of the magnificent uses of this great new technology that I have discovered. Only time will show how deeply this will affect us and how rich it will make me. If you are a company and have lots of money to spend on me, call me at 555-EATSHIT.

Okay, since everyone and his semi-retarded 3-legged (and other hyphenated adjectives as well) dog has a reality show, I am throwing my hat into the ring.

Introducing…

The reality show where ‘reality’ is a generous euphemism! The scene opens on a group of 8 people, 4 STUNNING girls, 3 RIPPED guys, and one fat unemployed stamp-collector from Wobitaughie, Maine, standing on a beach on a gorgeous island in the south-Pacific. The host, a pretentious Frenchman with a bright orange suit, arrives from a helicopter carrying a treasure chest.

Host: Congratulations, out of 300 applicants, the 7 of you…

Fatty: Um, 8

Host: (Pulls out German Luger pistol from his belt and shoots fatty in the fat) The 7 of you have been chosen to compete for the contents of this chest. However, the contents will remain unknown to you until the winner has collected all the pieces of the map to find the location of the chest.

Muscle-bound-dude #1: Umm, it’s right behind you.

Host: (Cocks Luger) Anyone else feel like pointing out obvious plot holes? (All contestants shake heads) Good. Your first task will be to build a canoe out of birch bark, then paddle across the bay, where you will have to wrestle a live bear. Once defeated, the bear will indicate where the next challenge is, a 500-foot climb up a slippery rock wall to the top of “Contestant-killer Falls” where you will find another piece of the map.

Killer-body-girl#4: That doesn’t sound too hard.

Host: Aha! But there is a twist! All the birch trees on the island are home to KILLER BEES!
(Cutaway to Dude #2 on the ‘record your private thoughts’ camera)

Dude #2: When he mentioned the bees, I was a little freaked out. You see, when I was young, a family of bees killed my father and carried my mother off to work in a factory. Oh wait, those weren’t bees, they were Republicans.

(Back to host)

Host: Aha! There is another twist! The lake is filled with piranhas, and instead of water, it is 12.0 M Hydrochloric acid! And also, I will be shooting at you with a high-powered rifle as you cross.

Girl #1: Oh my god!

Host: Aha! And also the bear hasn’t eaten in 6 weeks and you will be tied up and smeared with rotten fish-guts and honey, and also the bear has a samurai sword.

Dude #3: Egadzooks!

Host: Aha! And also instead of water in the waterfall, bowling balls fall down!

Girl #2: Crikey!

Host: Aha! And also, instead of getting a piece of the map, you will be disemboweled and skinned and used to make a drum that will call cannibals to come and eat all the other contestants!

Dude #1: What the FUCK!?

Host: Aha! And also, I’m not REALLY a host, but an actor planted into the show by the directors to turn you against each other!

Dude #2: I’m ALSO a plant inserted by the directors, to bring the contestants closer to each other but turned against the host!

Girl #3: Okay, who ISN’T an actor planted by the directors? (Everyone looks around, but no hands go up)

Then the island eats them… Except fatty’s corpse. Because actually the island is a monster, planted by the directors to eat the cast and crew because it is a stupid show.



And inside the treasure chest was some lame prize, like a subscription to MAD magazine except they run nothing but Kaputnik jokes for the whole year.