Porocrom’s Crappaper

I’ve wanted to do a BIL on this band, but they’ve only produced two albums, so I feel it might be a bit premature. Instead, I’m going to review their latest album.

Billy Talent: Billy Talent II

This album was released in June of 2006, the long-anticipated sequel to 2003’s Billy Talent.

Track Listing

1. Devil in a Midnight Mass (released as a single)

• Relative rating: 3/13
• Star rating:

“Devil in a midnight mass, he preyed behind stained glass/A memory of Sunday class resurrected from the past.”

This first offering from this album (to both the album owner and the radio listener) shows a darker side to the band that wasn’t fully explored on their first album. The song is an obvious reference to the many recent cases of child abuse perpetrated by priests in the Catholic church. Musically this is a hard-rockin’ song that really doesn’t give the listener any breaks, a somewhat fitting motif considering the subject matter of the song.

2. Red Flag (released as a single)

• Relative rating: 1/13
• Star rating:

“Cast off the crutch that kills the pain, the red flag waving never meant the same/The kids of tomorrow don’t need today when they live in the sins of yesterday”

I’m really not sure how I feel about this song. It’s definitely my least favourite from the album: rather simplistic and almost Sum41-esque in its style. The lyrics aren’t bad, but it strikes me a bit too much like a Linkin Park or Simple Plan attempt to resonate with a marginalized teen audience with bulging pockets. It’s still Billy Talent, and that redeems this song.

3. This Suffering

• Relative rating: 8/13
• Star rating:

“Like a target drawn across my chest, she’s a bullet in Russian roulette”
This song has an almost melancholy feel, despite being a hard-rockin’ face-bangin’ anthem. I really like the echo effects in the first couple lines of each verse. This song begins to scratch the surface of some of the depth that is seen more clearly in subsequent tracks on this album. For this album, it’s a middle-of-the-road type of song, somewhat forgettable, but it’s still a great song on its own.

4. Worker Bees

• Relative rating: 12/13
• Star rating:

“We take our orders given by the queen, we’re not the killers we’re the worker bees”

Wow… that’s all I can say listening to this song. The metaphor contained in this song is one of the best I’ve heard from a punk rock band, a genre dominated (in my experience) by overbearing symbolism. This song is definitely the most intelligent on the album, as it takes a song that sounds like a war anthem and overlays a strong anti-war satirical portrayal of grunt soldiers as worker bees. I hope Bush plays this one for the troops… If you have ANY opinion on the U.S. involvement in the middle-east, give this song a listen.

5. Pins and Needles

• Relative rating: 13/13
• Star rating

“Never understood how she could mean so little to so many, why does she mean everything to me?”

This has quickly become one of my favourite songs of all time. If we can ignore the lyrics for just a moment, this song is the most musically poignant and powerful song on this album. The guitar line that runs behind this track gives it a certain level of sophistication, but it’s the tune that makes this song stand out the most. Deeply passionate and emotionally raw, this track is easily the standard by which all other Billy Talent can be judged. Have a listen and see if you agree. The only bone I have to pick with this song is that it is TOO SHORT. I have to listen to it 2 or 3 times before I am satisfied.

6. Fallen Leaves (released as single)

• Relative rating: 9/13
• Star rating:

“In a crooked little town they were lost and never found, fallen leaves on the ground”

Again, because this is such a great album, some of the middling songs are easily overlooked. This song, like most of the others on this album, discusses a serious social topic. In this case, drug use and addiction in urban youth. There’s really nothing particular to SAY about this song… except that it is also good.

7. Where is the Line?

• Relative rating: 2/13
• Star rating:

“Urban Hipster, the new gangster… fronting by the club/New wave mannequins packing haircuts, instead of packing guns”

It’s about friggin’ TIME those hipsters drew some ire from the mainstream. If you don’t know what a hipster is, go read http://www.catandgirl.com. This is a biting rebuke to anyone who has snobbed someone over not having the right shoes or listening to the wrong music. Not one of my favourites musically, but still a great song lyrically.

8. Covered in Cowardice

• Relative rating: 6/13
• Star rating:

“Twisted tongues will place you in their category. Face to face you’ll hear them tell a different story”

Yet another legitimately good but overshadowed song on this album. These relative ratings are difficult to do on an album like this, because even the worst song on this album is a decent song on its own. This song is an attack of hypocrisy, admonishing the listener to “beware the voice without a face”. This song shows a decent amount of musical contrast, and the lyrics are tight.

9. Surrender

• Relative Rating: 4/13
• Star rating:

“She reads a book from across the street, waiting for someone she’ll never meet. Talk over coffee for an hour or two, wonders why I’m always in a good mood”

I never really got into this song. It’s another melancholy ballad-type, but it doesn’t resonate as strongly with me as Pins and Needles. Lyrically and musically somewhat straightforward, this song just doesn’t stand out for me compared to the rest of this album.

10. The Navy Song

• Relative Rating: 11/13
• Star Rating:

“Time, rolling along with the waves a thousand miles away, holding you close in the rain, seems just like yesterday…”

This song is commonly mislabeled as ‘In the Fall’ but it’s actually called ‘The Navy Song’. I’ll give you all a second to go change your downloaded mp3s… okay done? Good.

This song is somewhat related to ‘Worker Bees’ except without the metaphor. The song is sung from the point of view of a navy recruit, shipping out for the first time. It’s a tragic song, but powerful and well-written. The band has managed once again to take a hard-rock approach to a song and temper it with underlying softness that sets up a great contrast and makes for a good song.

11. Perfect World

• Relative Rating: 5/13
• Star Rating:

“All we shared was a mattress and a lie and an address…”

I guess every album needs a ‘I’m glad we broke up’ song. It’s not the greatest song on the record, really straightforward and forgettable. Once again there isn’t a whole lot to say about this track… except that nobody should use “Control Alt Deleted” as a song lyric.

12. Sympathy

• Relative Rating: 7/13
• Star Rating:

“A slap in the face, and I can’t erase these things that you say, don’t make it all okay it’s not okay”

Despite its lower rating, this is actually a decent song. The content is innovative: a request that a person not be overly sympathetic. Maybe it’s only because I agree with the subject matter that I like this song, but it’s a pretty decent track. Apparently this song was written about Stephen Harper. Way to stick it to that helmet-haired weirdo.

13. Burn the Evidence

• Relative Rating: 10/13
• Star Rating:

“In a garage beside a house there is a luxury sedan, and for his next monthly installment he’s gonna go out with a bang…”

Out of all the songs on the album, this is probably the best to end it with. It’s a strong offering that alternates between a softer side and a very fast-paced, hard and edgy sound. This song, surprisingly, talks about the pain of forced retirement and depression in the newly-unemployed. I’ve seen bands discuss subjects relevant to groups younger than themselves, but rarely have I ever seen songs written for older people.

Overall impression

I’ve used the term ‘album’ a few times in this review, and I feel like I am not being accurate: this is really a collection of songs. There’s not really a unifying theme or any attempt to create mood or feeling in the song mixture. It’s really more accurate to call this a record rather than an album.

The album is actually very aptly titled. Billy Talent II seems like the other half of Billy Talent. The two albums complement each other quite well, and are idiomatically very similar. Without being repetitive, the second album almost seems like a continuation of the first. One thing you will notice that is strikingly different is that Ben Kowalewicz doesn’t scream as much. Instead of using it as the focus of songs (i.e. ‘Line and Sinker’) it is now used sparingly as an effect to add intensity. Another thing even casual listeners will notice is that there is a lot more depth to these songs. They show internal contrast and thematic changes. That being said, there’s not a lot of differences between each song (at least musically speaking). The middle songs are essentially interchangable to the casual listener, as most use the same guitar effects and musical arc.

Overall, this is a collection of good songs. Nothing on this album scores below a 3 out of 5, and a number of them score 4.5 or 5. The band has shown its willingness to develop its sound, and I hope that translates into a more album-like album.

I give this album 3.5 out of 5 stars.

To buy or not to buy?

This is an album worth having almost for the art alone. If you liked Billy Talent (the first album) you should go out and buy this album. It’s got everything you liked about the first one, with some more mature touches and great songs. If you haven’t heard the first album, you should go buy this album. Billy Talent is a great band, and this is a great bunch of songs by them. If you didn’t like the first album, then this one is probably not for you. I’m glad I bought it… even though I lost it shortly afterwards

For my maiden voyage of this new feature, I’m going to fulfil a promise I made almost 2 years ago and review this album:

Cake: Pressure Chief

This is Cake’s 5th album, released in 2004, and their second on the Columbia label.

Track Listing

1. Wheels

• Relative rating: 4/11
• Star rating:

“In a wooden boat in the shipping lanes with the freighters towering over me, I can hear the jets flying overhead making lines across the darkening sky.”

This song is fun. On an album that is fun to begin with, this song stands out as particularly fun. Staying out of the tradition of deep longing breakup songs, this is a song about post-relationship freedom. Definitely a good song to start a mix-tape with (or an album, I suppose).

2. No Phone (released as a single)

• Relative rating: 1/11
• Star rating:

“No phone, no phone, I just want to be alone today”
I’m not sure why the band selected this one as a single. It’s not one of the stronger tracks on the album, and there are more memorable and Cake-like songs to choose from. At any rate, this is a quirky song relating the pressures of trying to achieve some peace in a world full of home, office and cellular phones.

3. Take It All Away

• Relative rating: 6/11
• Star rating:

“You keep pushing me away, in spite of what you say, I found out yesterday…”
Musically, this song is one of the better ones on the album. It’s much more brooding and deep than some of the other songs on the album. Definitely in contention for the least fun, but it’s got a very good beat. Listen for the comparison between the end of a relationship and a car accident… I think it’s pretty effective.

4. Dime

• Relative rating: 8/11
• Star rating:

“In the brown shag carpet of a cheap motel, in the dark and dusty corner by the TV shelf is a small reminder of a simpler time when a crumpled up pair of trousers lost a brand new dime.”

I really think this should have been the single from this album. It’s up-beat, peppy, and really indicative of the band. The song runs on a great metaphor, from the point of view of a dime “I am determined not to be dented by a car by a plane or anything not yet invented.”. This song is definitely worth a listen.

5. Carbon Monoxide

• Relative rating: 3/11
• Star rating

“Too much carbon monoxide for me to bear. Where’s the air?”

Al Gore definitely should have gotten this song for the soundtrack to An Inconvenient Truth. Again, this song is fun, upbeat, but with a sort of heavier message. It is a bit on the thin side when it comes to depth of lyrics, or musical expression, making it one of the weaker songs on the album.

6. The Guitar Man (cover of song by Bread)

• Relative rating: 11/11
• Star rating:

“Who draws the crowd, who plays so loud? Baby it’s the guitar man.”

I can’t get enough of this song. I didn’t know it was a cover the first few times I heard it. It’s a very Cake-like tune, with some changes to the beat and effects that are very distinctively Cake. A great chillin’ tune, very musically strong. If there’s any track on this album to check out, this is the one.

7. Waiting

• Relative rating: 10/11
• Star rating:

“So we think that we’re important, and we think that we make sense, and we think there’s something better on the other side of this fence.”

GREAT song. Despite the simplistic sound of the opening line, this is actually one of the most lyrically interesting and engaging tracks on the album. A good driving song; pretty cheerful.

8. She’ll Hang the Baskets

• Relative rating: 2/11
• Star rating:

“She’ll hang the baskets on the walls. Don’t you know I’ve seen it all before?”

A pretty good song, sort of a commentary on domestic life… I think… I’m not sure what’s in these baskets, or what they are supposed to represent.

9. End of the Movie

• Relative Rating: 5/11
• Star rating:

“People you love will turn their backs on you. You’ll lose your hair, your teeth, your knife will fall out of its sheath, but you still don’t like to leave before the end of the movie…”

This song is one of the most easily skipped on the album, but it might be one of the most poignant. The song is an observation about how our priorities as a society might not be as straight as we think they are. It’s REALLY simple, just banjo and some synthesizer in the background, but I like it, and I think you will too.

10. Palm of Your Hand

• Relative Rating: 7/11
• Star Rating:

“When the house was standing, you’d never have believed it…”

Some people bash me for being anti-USA. I don’t hate the US, I just bemoan what it has let itself become. This song (at least in my mind) reflects that quite well. Almost a lamenting look at what was once a proud structure, this song is quite fun, but with a message.

11. Tougher than it is

• Relative Rating: 9/11
• Star Rating:

“Well there is no such thing as you, it doesn’t matter what you do. The more you try to qualify, the more it all will pass you by…”

Once again, this is a good up-beat song, with a great beat and a fairly strong tune. The chorus of this song says it all nicely: “Some people like to make life a little tougher than it is.” A good message to all of us to keep things simple.

Overall impression

All things considered, this is not one of Cake’s better albums. In fact, in my opinion it’s the worst they’ve produced. Pretty one-dimensional, with some pretty good songs, good changes, but nothing to make it stand out. Each track (with one exception) is nice to listen to, but only two of them stand out as particularly good. I give this album 2 stars.

To buy or not to buy?

If you’re a Cake fan, then you’ll want to pick up this album. If you’re new to the band, do yourself a favour and take a pass on this one for now. Neophytes should look into either Fashion Nugget or Prolonging the Magic, my two personal favourites.

A wise man once said “Treat her rough, get some muff”. When I heard this I immediately dismissed it as codswallop, but last night my skepticism was shattered by the events that transpired.

There is a bar near where I live called ‘Phil’s’. It is dark, dingy, and smells of feet and hockey equipment at the end of a day-long tournament. However, it has $1.75 drinks, so we go. I went with my buddy Nathan; my roommate and wingman extrodinaire Kevin; Virginia, my former lab partner, and her friends. It was partway into the night when I found myself beset by Kevin and Nathan shouting at me to go hit on this random girl in a pink shirt. I protested that I am not ‘that guy’, which they did their best to refute using the logical tools available to them (‘Yes you are!’).

While I was being verbally pummeled for my lack of will to bother random girls in bars, a group of ladies came up to talk to Nathan, having apparently met him some time before. To get my two harping buddies to leave me alone, I decided to undecoriously perform a suicide mission on one of the girls there so they would leave me alone. To compound the inevitable failure, I decided to be the biggest jerk I could possibly imitate. I made nothing but disparaging comments about her every statement, ridiculed her in front of her friends… I was theatrically rude.

Nothing in my many years of bar-going could prepare me for what happened next.

Far from being offended or discouraged from further conversation, this girl (who we shall call Cyndi) was intrigued by my ruthless and irreverent banter. The more I berated and disparaged her, the more interested she seemed. I’m pretty sure that if I had punched her she would have gone down on me.

I ask you people, what kind of sense does it make that being nice, courteous, complimentary and generally decent is a turn off? If I met a girl who upon meeting me immediately began talking shit, it would be SO OVER. Why should I have to pretend to be an asshole just to get the time of day and a dance?

The story doesn’t end as well as you might think: we spent a good portion of the evening grinding each other into oblivion on the dance floor, then her roomies (who were giving me some serious stink-eye) had to go home, so she left. I did get her number though… worship me for I am your god.

You may (or may not) have notived that I haven’t posted anything new in quite a while. My excuse is that I have been working two jobs and trying to have a social life somewhere in between. A great many things have fallen by the wayside. However, I am going to try to pst SOME stuff over the summer, and so it is that I proudly announce the advent of a new feature of Porocrom:

Crom-prehensive Review(e)

In these review(e)s, I am going to examine in great depth a music album of my choice. I have a fair number of CDs that are worth reviewing, at least in my opinion, which is the only one that counts to you mindless peons. This is intended to be something of a companion piece to my serial “Bands I Like”, reserved somewhat for bands that may not have a lot of stuff out there but who have a great album, or a band that has an outstanding album.

Features:

Track-by-track breakdown: I will review each song on the album with a brief blurb

Song ranking: each song will be ranked both relative to the others on the album and on an ‘absolute’ scale (star system)

Album review: a look at the album as a whole, its strengths and weaknesses

To buy or not to buy?: is it worth the sticker price?

As always, if there is an album that you’d like me to review, send me e-mail and I will see if I can give a listen. Please note that if the band is super-obscure I may not be able to get my hands on all of the tracks. Also, if the band CLEARLY sucks, I’m not even going to bother.

Anyway, expect some stuff to drop soon. Also, expect some regular Crommunist-type posting within the next couple of months.

Last Saturday, I went to a club. When I say “a club” I mean “the club”, and when I say “club” I mean “a pigsty where all men between the ages of 15 and 80 and some women between the ages of 16-17 congregate”. I live in a village of 3,000 people (when we’re being invaded) and this particular club services an area of about 5,000 people (if you count sheep to be human). Therefore, you can understand the dismal situation in which I was in. The general quality of the male population ranges between “sheepfucker” and “homeless person”. The quality of the women is somewhat good, with some glaringly magnificent exceptions. Most women shower, too.

So, I went to the club with a few friends and we walked up to the entrance. Standing there was a fat whore who could obviously not get any tricks so she decided to make a career change. She asked me for four euros, to which I promptly replied “What the fuck? Are you out of your fucking mind? Look where you are, you skanky ho”. She did not relent and threatened to call security, but then she remembered there was no security because the place was a fucking hole. I felt extra generous that night so I gave her the money so she could get something to eat for the next month (never mind that she could very well live merely on her extraneous fat) and proceeded to not bite her. So generally I was very very nice.

We walked inside and sat at a table. The DJ was awful, the songs he played were irrelevant to one another and he synched them with all the grace of someone with Parkinson’s. If he could at least get the beat right, I think he could have been really good at scratching. The dude who handled lighting also sucked, but what do you expect, he’s probably Albanian (Albanians are to Greece what Mexicans are to the US). The people were invariably of the general variety I described above.

Being so fascinated with the general atmosphere in this magnificent nightclub, I turned my gaze to the air conditioning, which appeared not to be connected to an external unit. Then I proceeded to read about thermodynamics and entropy on my cell phone (I love Wikipedia) in hope that I would discover an air conditioning system without external units so I could put a bomb in it and wipe all these people out (no dice, btw, the second law of thermodynamics doesn’t allow it).

Disheartened, I raised my eyes and beheld a stunningly beautiful woman on the table across mine. She was tall, with blond hair and hazel eyes, and her body was shapely and with huge boobs. I stared at her for a while, and she, becoming aware of my gaze on her, retaliated with unrelenting staringness. I decided that time was of the essence, and that there was nary a moment to waste. Immediately, I stood up and walked towards her. Approaching her, I said:

I: Hi, don’t I know you from somewhere?
She: (Coldly) No, you don’t.
I: Are you sure? You look really familiar.
She: (Frowning) That trick is old, no, we don’t know each other.
I: Wtf bitch, stfu. Being a whore doesn’t make you an expert on tricks. Oh wait, it does.

I didn’t really say that last line, but at that point I was very pissed off. Her “did you think of that line or did you read it on a cave wall?” attitude was fucking annoying, and if a woman talked to me like that I’d beat her into submission. As you can see, it had never happened before, so I was baffled. If nothing else, I hadn’t been rude or anything, and she had. I decided to show nothing of what I thought, and exact my terrible revenge upon her.

I: Isn’t your friend’s name Joanne (actual name changed to protect the other hot chick)?
She: (Surprised) Yes, how did you know?
I: Weren’t you in the same class as her?
She: Yes, I was.
I: Oh, we went on the class trip together. (These trips are customary on the last year of highschool in Greece and typically last seven days)
She: Oh, you’re from [my village]?
I: Yep, that’s right.
She: (Smiling) I don’t remember you, but we didn’t hang out that much, we had kind of a feud with you guys (laughs).
I: (Smiling) Yeah, I remember.

I am guessing she felt like a total bitch at that point, because she realised I actually did know her (obviously) and she was quite into me, since she had been staring at me before I went over. I was quite pleased with this turn of events, and a “HAHA, PWNT, BITCH” almost escaped my lips, but I managed to retain my courteous and friendly disposition.

I: (Half-jokingly) Well, your teacher always blamed us for anything that happened, and you girls were always late in the morning.
She: (Laughing) Yeah, we always got up half an hour past when we were supposed to.
(I say nothing, silence ensues and becomes awkward, and she is clearly expecting me to ask her out)
I: (Smiling) Well, that’s what I wanted to ask you. Nice to have met you, bye.
(I walk away, not waiting for her reply and bask in my pwnsive victory)

I am assuming she regretted being such a bitch, because there were 2 men and 3 other women in their group, and the men looked like they had been hit by a train carrying ugly. In the wake of this devastating victory, I decided to hit on a friend of mine, but she was very receptive and not at all a bitch, so there’s nothing to write about that. he rest of the night went pretty uneventfully (if you exclude the fact that I had sex with the village twins, they’re not very bright but there’s two of them) so there’s not much else to say, except that concurrence in sex = nice.