A few years ago, a movie called Saw came out, and stupid viewers the world over watched it and cried in unison “Wow, that was so unexpected. I just came in my pants”. If you haven’t seen the movie, it’s about some guy killing people by putting them in situation where escape is hard (such as trapping a guy in a device that will crush his face and putting the key behind his eye or some shit), and enjoys watching what they do.

So, these two dudes wake up in a room with a corpse one day, and try to escape. After many trials and tribulations, it is revealed that the murderer was a patient of one of the two dudes, and we see him in the movie for two fucking seconds. Literally, he’s lying in a bed during a scene, he doesn’t even have a line. In the end, the dead body with the bashed head that has been in the room for the last two hours stands up and it is revealed that hey, that’s no dead body, it’s the murderer. This is the point where people go “wow, I did not see that coming”.

A good movie surprise must consist of two elements: Giving you hints all over the place, and the outcome still being totally unexpected. Sixth sense was a good surprise. Saw excels in the second element, but only because it fails miserably in the first. It’s very fucking easy to do something unexpected when you haven’t shown anything relating to it during the whole fucking movie. A dead guy gets up, and whoop-de-doo, nobody expects it. Of course you don’t expect it, you idiot, it wasn’t hinted at at all! Would you still think the movie rocked if the murderer came out a flowerpot?

I am thinking of making a movie as well, and since audiences are so easy, it will be an instant hit. It’ll feature gory murders and major plot holes, but in the end some dude will come in and be like “I did all the murders because I am going to die some day and I wanted you all to die before me! Also, I am responsible for all the plot holes, and I have been hiding in this flowerpot for the entire movie! How obvious was that?!”. I can see it now, it will be the highest grossing movie of all time. Noone will expect the ending, even though the killer will have been right there under their noses the entire time. Maybe I’ll add a flowerpot watermark on the lower right corner of the screen, too, thus making it the only movie ever that featured the killer in every single scene with no one being any the wiser. It’s brilliant, brilliant!

So yeah, there’s this dismembered dude in the middle of the room for some twelve hours, and neither of the characters notices he’s alive. No “Hey, this guy’s breathing”, no “Who farted? It was you, wasn’t it? Well, it wasn’t me, so it’s either you or the dead guy! Oh, wait…”, no nothing. And in the end the guy just gets up and is like “Hello gentlemen, I am really alive, my severed head was really just makeup, how good am I, huh”!

I am in awe of how stupid people can be while thinking they’re Sherlock Holmes. “Wow, how could I have missed that? He was there the entire time, and I am very very good at spotting these hints, therefore my hat’s off to the writers”. Nobody considers that the reason they might not have expected the dead guy to be the killer is that the guy is fucking dead!

Please, please, if you have seen this movie and think it is the best thing since anal sex with a young Thai boy, please comment here and tell me why you find it so brilliant, I am very much interested in hearing your opinions (so I can mock you afterwards for being an idiot).

It is not often I get to hang out with a particular friend of mine. She is a very cool person, with a great taste in music and with a lot of great ideas. Very rarely has she ever even hinted at letting me down. However, let’s call you Carlita… I hate you forever now.

For those of you who don’t live in the Waterloo region, you are mostly safe. However, for the rest of you, and I want to be 100% clear about this, The Starlight Lounge in Waterloo sucks so much, I’m surprised the town isn’t concave.

So I suppose you’ll be wanting the story. I was supposed to meet Carlita at 10:30 at the aforementioned Tower of Babylame. Knowing her to be in possession of functioning ovaries, I arranged myself so that I would arrive there at 11. I climbed the stairs, somewhat troubled by the pounding bass lines descending from the lounge above. I walked through the doors, and this is what I saw.

The Decor

The place was clearly decorated by an opium addict who lives and dies by the maxim “Everything cheap and 20 years old is automatically cool”. There were cheap pop-art posters advertising shows that have either already happened or are fictional by bands with names like “The Runnerups” and “Maggie’s Ovarian Cyst” and “I Left My Wallet At Home Can You Please Lend Me Some Money So I Can Buy A Razor And Kill Myself?”. The place was kept in almost complete darkness, which I can only assume was done to disguise what the rest of the place looked like. An orange disco ball and some multicolored pot lights provided only enough illumination for a person to recognize their cocaine balloon from their heroin baggie. Short red leather couches and sofas bordered the room, centred in a completely vacant dance floor. Small wonder when you consider…

The Music

I try to be open-minded about music, because it is a reflection of the creator’s world view and like food or visual art, it is in the eye of the beholder. That being said, house music licks my ball. The DJ spinning the records was almost comical if the whole scene hadn’t been so sad. Picture Marge Simpson, then turn her head upside down. This guy had a beard that would make the wisest kung-fu master in the most stereotypical Chinese movie jealous. He made the guys from ZZ Top look prepubescent. What was the most incredible is that he was really into the 'music’, bobbing his head and making odd hand gestures. I’m not sure how anyone can listen to house music, since all of the songs are virutally identical. And yes, I realize that this is a claim commonly made about hip-hop, but really people… any idiot can listen to three hip-hop tracks and discern them. House music is completely beat-driven, and the composers have only figured out how to use one of the pre-set beats on their Casio™ synthesizers. I saw a screen running something, which is when I started watching

The Movie

I must admit, this was the first time I’ve ever seen a bar show a film in the background. I was almost impressed, until I actually saw what was playing. This guy gets hit with a pie, then he trashes the roadside pie stand, and his friends break some stuff. Then some girl wearing leather pulls out a molotov cocktail and blows up someone’s van. The guys walk around the corner, when these two 12 year-old black kids with automatic weapons start shooting at them. So they duck into a nearby bakery, go to some lockers, grab their own automatic weapons and take to the streets. A lot of shooting ensues, seemingly between a gang of hippies and a tough-as-nails chick gang (with a station wagon converted into a tank).

(I just want to interject that I am not making up or exaggerating anything in this recounting.)

It’s time for one of the female gang members to undergo her initiation by murdering the last member of the male gang. She has him cornered at the bottom of a stairwell, but can’t bring herself to pull the trigger. Luckily a chick with a metal eyepatch and a belly-topper is there to finish the job. Back at their hideout, the women’s gang celebrates their triumphant rise above male tyranny by… BAKING A CAKE. At this point I had to leave.

The only way the Starlight could have been any worse is if I had to pay money to get in. Oh wait, there is a $3 cover. Never mind, zero redeeming features. The phrase 'powerfully lame’ kept flitting through my mind. To paraphrase a friend of mine, I imagine that the Starlight is what hell must be like, only with louder music. Some day lingustic scientists will invent a word capable of encapsulating how terrible that bar is. Until then, I advise you hide under your bed, read your dictionary, and don’t trust anyone with a metal eyepatch.

I’ve wanted to do a BIL on this band, but they’ve only produced two albums, so I feel it might be a bit premature. Instead, I’m going to review their latest album.

Billy Talent: Billy Talent II

This album was released in June of 2006, the long-anticipated sequel to 2003’s Billy Talent.

Track Listing

1. Devil in a Midnight Mass (released as a single)

• Relative rating: 3/13
• Star rating:
  
  
  
  
  

“Devil in a midnight mass, he preyed behind stained glass/A memory of Sunday class resurrected from the past.”

This first offering from this album (to both the album owner and the radio listener) shows a darker side to the band that wasn’t fully explored on their first album. The song is an obvious reference to the many recent cases of child abuse perpetrated by priests in the Catholic church. Musically this is a hard-rockin’ song that really doesn’t give the listener any breaks, a somewhat fitting motif considering the subject matter of the song.

2. Red Flag (released as a single)

• Relative rating: 1/13
• Star rating:
  
  
  
  
  

I’m really not sure how I feel about this song. It’s definitely my least favourite from the album: rather simplistic and almost Sum41-esque in its style. The lyrics aren’t bad, but it strikes me a bit too much like a Linkin Park or Simple Plan attempt to resonate with a marginalized teen audience with bulging pockets. It’s still Billy Talent, and that redeems this song.

3. This Suffering

• Relative rating: 8/13
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This song has an almost melancholy feel, despite being a hard-rockin’ face-bangin’ anthem. I really like the echo effects in the first couple lines of each verse. This song begins to scratch the surface of some of the depth that is seen more clearly in subsequent tracks on this album. For this album, it’s a middle-of-the-road type of song, somewhat forgettable, but it’s still a great song on its own.

4. Worker Bees

• Relative rating: 12/13
• Star rating:
  
  
  
  
  

“We take our orders given by the queen, we’re not the killers we’re the worker bees”

Wow… that’s all I can say listening to this song. The metaphor contained in this song is one of the best I’ve heard from a punk rock band, a genre dominated (in my experience) by overbearing symbolism. This song is definitely the most intelligent on the album, as it takes a song that sounds like a war anthem and overlays a strong anti-war satirical portrayal of grunt soldiers as worker bees. I hope Bush plays this one for the troops… If you have ANY opinion on the U.S. involvement in the middle-east, give this song a listen.

5. Pins and Needles

• Relative rating: 13/13
• Star rating
  
  
  
  
  

“Never understood how she could mean so little to so many, why does she mean everything to me?”

This has quickly become one of my favourite songs of all time. If we can ignore the lyrics for just a moment, this song is the most musically poignant and powerful song on this album. The guitar line that runs behind this track gives it a certain level of sophistication, but it’s the tune that makes this song stand out the most. Deeply passionate and emotionally raw, this track is easily the standard by which all other Billy Talent can be judged. Have a listen and see if you agree. The only bone I have to pick with this song is that it is TOO SHORT. I have to listen to it 2 or 3 times before I am satisfied.

6. Fallen Leaves (released as single)

• Relative rating: 9/13
• Star rating:
  
  
  
  
  

“In a crooked little town they were lost and never found, fallen leaves on the ground”

Again, because this is such a great album, some of the middling songs are easily overlooked. This song, like most of the others on this album, discusses a serious social topic. In this case, drug use and addiction in urban youth. There’s really nothing particular to SAY about this song… except that it is also good.

7. Where is the Line?

• Relative rating: 2/13
• Star rating:
  
  
  
  
  

“Urban Hipster, the new gangster… fronting by the club/New wave mannequins packing haircuts, instead of packing guns”

It’s about friggin’ TIME those hipsters drew some ire from the mainstream. If you don’t know what a hipster is, go read http://www.catandgirl.com. This is a biting rebuke to anyone who has snobbed someone over not having the right shoes or listening to the wrong music. Not one of my favourites musically, but still a great song lyrically.

8. Covered in Cowardice

• Relative rating: 6/13
• Star rating:
  
  
  
  
  

“Twisted tongues will place you in their category. Face to face you’ll hear them tell a different story”

Yet another legitimately good but overshadowed song on this album. These relative ratings are difficult to do on an album like this, because even the worst song on this album is a decent song on its own. This song is an attack of hypocrisy, admonishing the listener to “beware the voice without a face”. This song shows a decent amount of musical contrast, and the lyrics are tight.

9. Surrender

• Relative Rating: 4/13
• Star rating:
  
  
  
  
  

“She reads a book from across the street, waiting for someone she’ll never meet. Talk over coffee for an hour or two, wonders why I’m always in a good mood”

I never really got into this song. It’s another melancholy ballad-type, but it doesn’t resonate as strongly with me as Pins and Needles. Lyrically and musically somewhat straightforward, this song just doesn’t stand out for me compared to the rest of this album.

10. The Navy Song

• Relative Rating: 11/13
• Star Rating:
  
  
  
  
  

“Time, rolling along with the waves a thousand miles away, holding you close in the rain, seems just like yesterday…”

This song is commonly mislabeled as 'In the Fall’ but it’s actually called 'The Navy Song’. I’ll give you all a second to go change your downloaded mp3s… okay done? Good.

This song is somewhat related to 'Worker Bees’ except without the metaphor. The song is sung from the point of view of a navy recruit, shipping out for the first time. It’s a tragic song, but powerful and well-written. The band has managed once again to take a hard-rock approach to a song and temper it with underlying softness that sets up a great contrast and makes for a good song.

11. Perfect World

• Relative Rating: 5/13
• Star Rating:
  
  
  
  
  

“All we shared was a mattress and a lie and an address…”

I guess every album needs a 'I’m glad we broke up’ song. It’s not the greatest song on the record, really straightforward and forgettable. Once again there isn’t a whole lot to say about this track… except that nobody should use “Control Alt Deleted” as a song lyric.

12. Sympathy

• Relative Rating: 7/13
• Star Rating:
  
  
  
  
  

“A slap in the face, and I can’t erase these things that you say, don’t make it all okay it’s not okay”

Despite its lower rating, this is actually a decent song. The content is innovative: a request that a person not be overly sympathetic. Maybe it’s only because I agree with the subject matter that I like this song, but it’s a pretty decent track. Apparently this song was written about Stephen Harper. Way to stick it to that helmet-haired weirdo.

13. Burn the Evidence

• Relative Rating: 10/13
• Star Rating:
  
  
  
  
  

“In a garage beside a house there is a luxury sedan, and for his next monthly installment he’s gonna go out with a bang…”

Out of all the songs on the album, this is probably the best to end it with. It’s a strong offering that alternates between a softer side and a very fast-paced, hard and edgy sound. This song, surprisingly, talks about the pain of forced retirement and depression in the newly-unemployed. I’ve seen bands discuss subjects relevant to groups younger than themselves, but rarely have I ever seen songs written for older people.

Overall impression

I’ve used the term 'album’ a few times in this review, and I feel like I am not being accurate: this is really a collection of songs. There’s not really a unifying theme or any attempt to create mood or feeling in the song mixture. It’s really more accurate to call this a record rather than an album.

The album is actually very aptly titled. Billy Talent II seems like the other half of Billy Talent. The two albums complement each other quite well, and are idiomatically very similar. Without being repetitive, the second album almost seems like a continuation of the first. One thing you will notice that is strikingly different is that Ben Kowalewicz doesn’t scream as much. Instead of using it as the focus of songs (i.e. 'Line and Sinker’) it is now used sparingly as an effect to add intensity. Another thing even casual listeners will notice is that there is a lot more depth to these songs. They show internal contrast and thematic changes. That being said, there’s not a lot of differences between each song (at least musically speaking). The middle songs are essentially interchangable to the casual listener, as most use the same guitar effects and musical arc.

Overall, this is a collection of good songs. Nothing on this album scores below a 3 out of 5, and a number of them score 4.5 or 5. The band has shown its willingness to develop its sound, and I hope that translates into a more album-like album.

I give this album 3.5 out of 5 stars.

To buy or not to buy?

This is an album worth having almost for the art alone. If you liked Billy Talent (the first album) you should go out and buy this album. It’s got everything you liked about the first one, with some more mature touches and great songs. If you haven’t heard the first album, you should go buy this album. Billy Talent is a great band, and this is a great bunch of songs by them. If you didn’t like the first album, then this one is probably not for you. I’m glad I bought it… even though I lost it shortly afterwards :P

For my maiden voyage of this new feature, I’m going to fulfil a promise I made almost 2 years ago and review this album:

Cake: Pressure Chief

This is Cake’s 5th album, released in 2004, and their second on the Columbia label.

Track Listing

1. Wheels

• Relative rating: 4/11
• Star rating:
  
  
  
  
  

“In a wooden boat in the shipping lanes with the freighters towering over me, I can hear the jets flying overhead making lines across the darkening sky.”

This song is fun. On an album that is fun to begin with, this song stands out as particularly fun. Staying out of the tradition of deep longing breakup songs, this is a song about post-relationship freedom. Definitely a good song to start a mix-tape with (or an album, I suppose).

2. No Phone (released as a single)

• Relative rating: 1/11
• Star rating:
  
  
  
  
  

3. Take It All Away

• Relative rating: 6/11
• Star rating:
  
  
  
  
  

Musically, this song is one of the better ones on the album. It’s much more brooding and deep than some of the other songs on the album. Definitely in contention for the least fun, but it’s got a very good beat. Listen for the comparison between the end of a relationship and a car accident… I think it’s pretty effective.

4. Dime

• Relative rating: 8/11
• Star rating:
  
  
  
  
  

“In the brown shag carpet of a cheap motel, in the dark and dusty corner by the TV shelf is a small reminder of a simpler time when a crumpled up pair of trousers lost a brand new dime.”

I really think this should have been the single from this album. It’s up-beat, peppy, and really indicative of the band. The song runs on a great metaphor, from the point of view of a dime “I am determined not to be dented by a car by a plane or anything not yet invented.”. This song is definitely worth a listen.

5. Carbon Monoxide

• Relative rating: 3/11
• Star rating
  
  
  
  
  

“Too much carbon monoxide for me to bear. Where’s the air?”

Al Gore definitely should have gotten this song for the soundtrack to An Inconvenient Truth. Again, this song is fun, upbeat, but with a sort of heavier message. It is a bit on the thin side when it comes to depth of lyrics, or musical expression, making it one of the weaker songs on the album.

6. The Guitar Man (cover of song by Bread)

• Relative rating: 11/11
• Star rating:
  
  
  
  
  

“Who draws the crowd, who plays so loud? Baby it’s the guitar man.”

I can’t get enough of this song. I didn’t know it was a cover the first few times I heard it. It’s a very Cake-like tune, with some changes to the beat and effects that are very distinctively Cake. A great chillin’ tune, very musically strong. If there’s any track on this album to check out, this is the one.

7. Waiting

• Relative rating: 10/11
• Star rating:
  
  
  
  
  

“So we think that we’re important, and we think that we make sense, and we think there’s something better on the other side of this fence.”

GREAT song. Despite the simplistic sound of the opening line, this is actually one of the most lyrically interesting and engaging tracks on the album. A good driving song; pretty cheerful.

8. She’ll Hang the Baskets

• Relative rating: 2/11
• Star rating:
  
  
  
  
  

“She’ll hang the baskets on the walls. Don’t you know I’ve seen it all before?”

A pretty good song, sort of a commentary on domestic life… I think… I’m not sure what’s in these baskets, or what they are supposed to represent.

9. End of the Movie

• Relative Rating: 5/11
• Star rating:
  
  
  
  
  

“People you love will turn their backs on you. You’ll lose your hair, your teeth, your knife will fall out of its sheath, but you still don’t like to leave before the end of the movie…”

This song is one of the most easily skipped on the album, but it might be one of the most poignant. The song is an observation about how our priorities as a society might not be as straight as we think they are. It’s REALLY simple, just banjo and some synthesizer in the background, but I like it, and I think you will too.

10. Palm of Your Hand

• Relative Rating: 7/11
• Star Rating:
  
  
  
  
  

“When the house was standing, you’d never have believed it…”

Some people bash me for being anti-USA. I don’t hate the US, I just bemoan what it has let itself become. This song (at least in my mind) reflects that quite well. Almost a lamenting look at what was once a proud structure, this song is quite fun, but with a message.

11. Tougher than it is

• Relative Rating: 9/11
• Star Rating:
  
  
  
  
  

“Well there is no such thing as you, it doesn’t matter what you do. The more you try to qualify, the more it all will pass you by…”

Once again, this is a good up-beat song, with a great beat and a fairly strong tune. The chorus of this song says it all nicely: “Some people like to make life a little tougher than it is.” A good message to all of us to keep things simple.

Overall impression

All things considered, this is not one of Cake’s better albums. In fact, in my opinion it’s the worst they’ve produced. Pretty one-dimensional, with some pretty good songs, good changes, but nothing to make it stand out. Each track (with one exception) is nice to listen to, but only two of them stand out as particularly good. I give this album 2 stars.

To buy or not to buy?

If you’re a Cake fan, then you’ll want to pick up this album. If you’re new to the band, do yourself a favour and take a pass on this one for now. Neophytes should look into either Fashion Nugget or Prolonging the Magic, my two personal favourites.

You may (or may not) have notived that I haven’t posted anything new in quite a while. My excuse is that I have been working two jobs and trying to have a social life somewhere in between. A great many things have fallen by the wayside. However, I am going to try to pst SOME stuff over the summer, and so it is that I proudly announce the advent of a new feature of Porocrom:

Crom-prehensive Review(e)

In these review(e)s, I am going to examine in great depth a music album of my choice. I have a fair number of CDs that are worth reviewing, at least in my opinion, which is the only one that counts to you mindless peons. This is intended to be something of a companion piece to my serial “Bands I Like”, reserved somewhat for bands that may not have a lot of stuff out there but who have a great album, or a band that has an outstanding album.

Features:

As always, if there is an album that you’d like me to review, send me e-mail and I will see if I can give a listen. Please note that if the band is super-obscure I may not be able to get my hands on all of the tracks. Also, if the band CLEARLY sucks, I’m not even going to bother.

Anyway, expect some stuff to drop soon. Also, expect some regular Crommunist-type posting within the next couple of months.

A famous poet once said “How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man?”. Or was it Bob Dylan? Whoever it was, that is fucking stupid, because you already called him a man, retard. The truth is, that before someone can be called a man, he must do these things (women are excluded, they can do whatever they want, or not):

1. Eat chocolate.
2. Have sex.
3. Say nothing while someone verbally abuses them for two months and then beat him into submission without sustaining a single scratch.
4. Watch Family Guy, even reruns.
5. Play Giants: Citizen Kabuto.

I have done all those things, and let me tell you, they are immensely enjoyable. The enjoyment grows the further you go down the list, but I probably find Family Guy better than sex because the sex was really bad. I was actually thinking of watching Family Guy during sex. Oh well, at least I got paid.

I just saw House of Wax and I want my fucking hour back. What an utter load of fucking shit. It was about a city where some brothers kill and maim and whatever, bleh. I realise films require some suspension of disbelief, but this fucking movie required suspension of brain activity in order to be enjoyed. No, not really, not even braindead people would enjoy it. In fact, they would detest it. Anyway, as I was watching it, getting ideas on how to kill the friend that suggested it, I began to identify some of the cliches of horror films. Seriously, come to think of it, all these movies are always, always the same. I will elaborate on what I mean anon:

When being chased by someone, forget to walk.

Why is it that when the killer chases someone, that dude never remembers how walking goes. I mean, how fucking often have you tripped and fell in the last 20 years of your life? Seriously, it’s right foot, left foot, it shouldn’t be that fucking hard. Also, when someone’s chasing you and you fall, don’t get up immediately, just take your fucking time, what’s he going to do anyway, kill you? Nah. Lying down and staring at him is a surefire way to scare him away, do that.

When hiding, don’t be quiet.

There’s someone after you and you manage to pick your ass up from the ground long enough to find an abandoned warehouse, conveniently placed in the middle of the desert. You get in and find a hiding place, and the killer waits patiently for you to hide and comes in, even though he was just two seconds behind you. So, now that you are safely hidden, what can you do to pass the time? That’s right, sneeze. Don’t feel obliged to be quiet, that’s rude. Sneeze, cough, play with some bones and scream when a severed head falls, whatever, it’s all good.

If you manage to injure the killer, walk away.

Picture this: You’re walking through an abandoned town, complete with everything people have in houses, and you know there is one or more killers in the vicinity. Don’t stop to take anything, and if you see knives or guns around just leave them there. If, despite what I just said, some kind of lame weapon like a baseball bat or a crossbow falls in your hands, try to injure the killer. When you do, he will invariably fall to the ground and obviously die. You don’t really need to check or make sure he’s dead in any way, because, well, you just put a dart through his fucking skin! If that’s not a fatal wound, I don’t know what is. “Hey, wanna check if the dude’s dead?” “Nah, just leave his gun and yours and let’s go to the other buildings, it’s cool.”

The killer dies.

This is an extension of the previous rule. The killer never dies, you idiot. Even if he somehow dies now, he’ll be alive in the sequel. This is actually a pretty good way to discover who the killer is, just kill everyone on the cast, whoever doesn’t die is the psychopath. Other people will die by the dozens, just smack them in the face and they die, but you can bludgeon, shoot, burn, poison, hang, maim, burn, poison, shoot, maim, maim the killer and he’ll still be alive to kill again. That’s why you see three and four sequels to a god-awful movie.

The killer can’t walk through walls.

No matter where you are, no matter how well you’ve looked around before you get in there, the killer is in there with you. I don’t care if you just jumped in a coffin and locked the lid, the killer will either be hiding under the pillow or slip in through the crack. Just when you think you’ve lost him, he’ll come and stab you in the ass with his dick. Can you say “anal rape”?

Whatever you do, don’t stick together.

Hey, you’re 12 people against one killer and you’re trying to avoid dying. Obviously, the best way to do that is to split up, because, let’s face it, noone is going to kill 12 people one by one, right? Right. So, don’t arm yourselves, don’t stick together, don’t even try to get the fuck out of wherever you are, just split up and roam around aimlessly. Statistics have shown that people who do that have a 95.7% chance of survival, and that’s a damn good chance.

So, there you have it. An unofficial guide on how to survive a (bad) horror movie. By the way, Elisha Cuthbert is quite the hotness. Nice boobs. Paris Hilton could use some face ironing, but nice body. Yes, this post has descended to boob talk, sic transit gloria mundi.

My life must be pretty uninteresting these days, because I am posting another installment of…

This edition focuses on yet another rapper. I realize that technically he isn’t a BAND, but he might as well be. This is an artist that was also referred to me by Ken, who is way more up on the hip-hop scene than I am. This is a guy who is often referred to as a 'triple-threat’ for his skills as an MC, a DJ and a producer. I’ve never heard anyone rhyme quite like…

Scram Jones

Listening to Scram is almost like listening to a standup comedian mixed with Dr. Seuss… mixed with the streets of New York. According to interviews, he’s been mixing since he was 15, and pretty much involved in every part of the underground he could get into since then. It’s interesting to hear about a white guy making it big in an industry that is essentially 100% black (except the lawyers), but what is even more interesting is that he does it better than 99% of these so-called ganstas from the hoods of various cities. I’ve never heard any of the top 10-selling artists spit with the same level of artfullness as Scram (with special exception being made for Kanye West).

There’s something almost playful about the way that Scram raps. I’ve never heard anyone else (in rap or outside of rap) put this kind of a spin on rhyming. It’s not something that can be adequately conveyed in text alone, but I’m going to try. This is a cut from his track “Change Ya Rosta”

I almost lost my 20/20 drinking 20/20, The kind of kid that they would talk about on 20/20 Take the rims off of a Jeep, I got 20 20s, Sell 'em for 400 apiece, just give me 20 20s. ... Y’all don’t know the shit you’re in I’ll leave you in a pool of of piss now you’re in urine And you can’t get out 'cause once you’re in, you’re in Now you wanna spaz out like (Yrrrin! Yrrrin!)

Again, it’s not something that can really be conveyed through reading it, but I swear, this guy’s unbelievable. He’s got these incredible one-liners that clearly show off both his comedic genius for even coming up with these things, but his artistic genius as well for fitting them into a rhyme. In fact, those of you who know me well know I love making outrageous analogies or similies… I got it from Scram. Some of my favourites are:

“Two bitches gave me mono, now I’ve got stereo”
“I tried to become a vegetarian but it was hard to stop cold turkey”
“My flow is like lard, PHAT. While your style’s on a diet with no carbs”
“Yeah your rhyme’s the shit… why? 'cause it’s crap”
“I used to ride with no hands on the handlebars/now my hand’s on the mike, watch me handle bars”

The list goes on, and Scram fans will undoubtedly say “What about this one?” but you get the idea. If you are a hip-hop fan AT ALL... at all at all at all… check out Scram Jones. He’s a bit undeground, so it may be a little difficult to get your hands on the goods. If you’re Jonesin’ really bad, e-mail me and I’ll see what I can do.

Tracks to Check Out

- Back to Back (f. Rob Swift & X-cutioners) – Air it Out (f. Jack Venom) – Heavy Metal (f. Kool G. Rap) – 3’s Company (f. Swigga & Eddie Brock) – Line Up (f. Styles P.) – Change Ya Rosta – Liquid Heat

Seriously… check this guy out!

Yes children, uncle Crommunist is back with another edition of…

This issue, we examine a Canadian band that is poised to take off like gangbusters. I recently had the immense pleasure of seeing these guys live as part of a beer promotion that came to my school. I got into the show for free because a friend of mine snagged me a ticket (you rule, Jeff). I had heard a bit of this band, and I wasn’t really super-excited about them, but the show changed all of that. I have been to a few rock shows in my time, but nothing I’ve ever seen or heard even comes close to the hard rockin’ show put forth by:

The Trews

My first exposure to the Trews was their single Not Ready to Go from their second album “House of Ill Fame”. It’s a pretty hard-rockin’ but straightforward song, and I wasn’t particularly impressed until I heard the second single Tired of Waiting

I am wired and fading
Looking blind and blaming
Following and trailing
Words you might be saying

I am tired of waiting,
I’m tired of waiting, I am tired

I grabbed a few tracks of theirs and was suitably impressed. They kind of sat in the back of my brain for a while until I heard they were playing at UW, so I thought I would give them a listen. My life was changed that night.

Touring on the strength of their recent disc “Den of Thieves” the Trews brought a rock show that blew away anything else I’ve seen live. I don’t think I’ve ever seen any band put that much into a live show before. I don’t know what these Nova Scotia lads are having for breakfast, but I’ll imagine their wives/girlfriends/groupies are very well satisfied. Just when you think they can’t possibly have any more energy, they bust out into a face-melting guitar solo.

Despite the fact (or perhaps in addition to it) that these guys can rock, they are incredibly skilled at what they do. Colin MacDonald has an incredible voice. It’s warm, full, throaty, and he has amazing range. For an example of what I mean, check out a song called “Hopeless”. John-Angus MacDonald has killer guitar skills as well. He busted out all the great tricks: playing between the legs, playing behind the back, rolling around on the floor. He did everything but make it sit up and beg. Not to be neglected is Sean Dalton, who threw in a great 10-minute drum solo amidst strobe lighting.

Their older stuff is a bit more provincial, but their latest release has more mainstream appeal, as evinced by the first single from that album, So She’s Leaving. I seriously recommend checking these guys out.

As is my habit, I will also discuss the opening band. Boy, a Toronto band, was mediocre, had little stage presence, and got kicked out for bringing shots on the stage. Seeing them get booted from the hall was my favourite part of their show.

Songs to Check Out

- So She’s Leaving – Stray – Confessions – Hopeless ******* OMG LISTEN TO THIS SONG – Tired of Waiting – Fleeting Trust

As you have probably suspected, we at Porocrom are devoted to bringing you reviews of only the absolute best products. Today we are reviewing a product whose idea is as ingenious as its implementation useful. We present Stadium Pal. Do you love wetting yourself in public, but hate the hassle of getting arrested and shunned? Then this product is for you.

Stadium Pal is one of those products conceived when a brain-dead person accidentally replaced their IV with LSD because they smoked too much weed. It is basically a bag with a long tube attached to it. You strap the bag to your leg, and you wrap the tube against your peepee and then when you piss, it goes into the bag. When the bag is full it hopefully bursts, killing you and spraying everyone in a 100-feet radius in piss and blood, so that your relatives will write on your tombstone “He died and people got pissed”.

Stadium Pal is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen, and this is coming from a guy with a comedy blog. I mean, what is so gripping that you could not possibly take your eyes off to go piss? Want to watch a game? It only lasts an hour or so, and they have plenty of breaks inbetween. Not to mention that you can, you know, go before or after it? I guess that “people not in a vegetative state” is not one of Stadium Pal’s target groups.

Another excuse for using this abomination that I hear frequently is “on long car trips”. This is actually quite valid, if you have to drive for eight hours straight and stay above 50 mph because otherwise the entire bus will blow up, killing everyone in it. Otherwise, you can take a break and use a restroom or a sufficiently big bush.

On top of being useless, Stadium Pal costs $29.95, which is $35 more than I am willing to pay for a bag and a tube, so we have included instructions on how to create your own Stadium Pal. You will need:

1. Three plastic straws.
2. Two pieces of string, 1ft long each.
3. A plastic bag.

Take the straws and insert one into the other, like you used to do when you were a kid and your parents would leave you alone in the coffeehouse to go gamble their foodstamps away. Take the plastic bag, tie it to your leg using the pieces of string and tie the top with what is left of the top piece of string. Insert the one end of the long straw you created in the bag and the other in your penis (this might hurt a little or render you impotent, don’t worry) and you’re all set.

We have, nevertheless, spotted a glaring omission on the part of BioRelief (the makers of Stadium Pal), and that is that there is nothing available if you want to take a dump while watching “the game”. So, we now present to you this amazing new product, the Ass Pal. Simply insert the tube (which is coloured red for easy access) in your ass and you are ready to go (pun intended)! The plastic bag can be changed when it is full and it is very inexpensive. We have also done some research, and have arrived to the conclusion that by combining the Stadium Pal with the Ass Pal, you can sit on your couch and not get up for a whopping 81 days!

Stay tuned for more reviews of brilliant products!